The benefits of friends-with-benefits

Turns out that K is still in love with his ex-girlfriend from a year ago.

That night I got kind of tipsy, I sent him a very honest email addressing certain things that I had been wanting to talk to him about since forever, but was too afraid to. One of those things was how I felt as if he wasn't really letting me in:

[Me: Many times I've hung out with you and felt like your mind is somewhere else; or we have sex and you direct me; tell me what to do. And I feel that that's because you don't trust me. But then - maybe you don't trust anyone.

Ironic; because K is one of the most expressive and honest people I know. But being verbally open is one thing, and being non-verbally - or emotionally - open is entirely different.

And he responded that often, for him, he doesn't even know the truth about himself. His ex was one of the only people who could make him be really honest to himself. And while he's still feeling intensely for her, he doesn't seem to have 'space' for anyone else, e.g. me.

I wasn't angry or upset by what he said. I was mostly happy that he told me all of that - at least he trusts me to some extent.

We had spoken his ex a bit, before. After we first hooked up, we pretty much spent every evening and night together the next week, until he had to leave for a two-week long family trip. For me, it was all very confusing. I had no idea what we were doing. I felt as if we were dating - we were acting like we were, but hadn't mentioned 'dating' at all. We did little couple-y things - invited each other to things, hung out with each other's friends, shared drinks when we went out to parties, didn't want to leave without the other, slept over, talked and talked... the list goes on. But something didn't feel right...

When he left, I was able to process everything (I also started hooking up with the Emperor, but that's a story for another time) and decided I needed to ask him what was going on for my own peace of mind. So, when he comes back, he starts acting kind of weird around me, and I come right out and ask him.

Basically, he tells me that he likes me a lot and thinks I'm amazing... but he's still getting over his ex and is afraid of hurting me.

All that time, I had been assuming that I wanted to go out with K... actually, that isn't entirely true. Rather, I should say that whether we're 'dating' or not isn't really all that important to me. 'Love' and 'relationships' are becoming increasingly sketchy concepts to me. Partly because the last few people I've fallen for have not fallen for me back; partly because the last time I actually dated someone was... about a year and a half ago. Since then, I've had several wonderful friends-with-benefits, and while we weren't 'in love' or 'dating', we shared great sex, trust, intimacy, and closeness. What more could I ask for?

I often wished that I was in love with someone who loved me back. But now I'm not so sure that I want that anymore. When you're dating someone you give up a certain autonomy or ownership over yourself - or at least, I do. I tend to be very dependent, and 'immerse' myself in my significant other's life. And while me and my friends-with-benefits were very close... hell, at one point me and the Actor were almost with each other 24/7 - we always had this comfortable head-space. Less sense of obligation. Most of what we did was because we both wanted to, not because we felt like we had to.

I guess that's the definition of 'no strings attached.' Of course, we had certain obligations to each other, like all close friends do. But we weren't part of a 'pair,' like a couple is. I've seen many of my friends who are dating (and been guilty of the same thing) just spend all their time with their significant other just because, until it becomes nothing more than a habit.

I've often read about friends-with-benefits being a bad idea because you risk 'ruining the friendship' but, for me, every time I've had sex with a friend it ended up breaking down barriers and helped us become closer and more comfortable with each other than we already were. I've definitely fallen for a friend who didn't develop feelings for me in return, but... I got over it.

So if I was to date someone and they told me I'd have to give up my friends-with-benefits for them... I would probably say no. (In that case I should just find people who are alright with open relationships =) )

I don't know what's going to happen with K when I get back - all I know is that I care about him, I've felt happy to get to know him, be there for him, and have sex with him, and I hope we can continue doing that.

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