HNT: Scratches « Heartbreak Nymphomania

23Oct/089

HNT: Scratches

Today was an extremely weird day. I got tipsy halfway through the afternoon by drinking in Cute-Tripmate and Roommate's room - at first it was all good because the alcohol made me more sociable and made me do my work faster but... Then I realized that a girl was in their room using CT's computer. I asked both Roommate and CT about her, as such:

Me: Are her and CT going out?
CT/R: Yeah, pretty much.

At the same time, I go on Facebook and realize that the Emperor has changed his relationship status to 'in an open relationship' with his gf. Previously, I had emailed with him and he had said that he doesn't do relationships; that he doesn't see himself in one currently. And I felt relieved - like he wasn't in a relationship with me because he had a problem with relationships, not because he had a problem with me. But apparently that isn't the case. I almost want to comment on his status "See? Told you" but I won't.

At the same time, I go on Facebook and see that Christopher has changed his profile picture to one of him and his gf looking all sweet and happy and couple-y.

At the same time, I think about visiting San Francisco in winter, about visiting the Actor, and that his new bf is going to be there at the same time. I'm so happy that he's dating somebody he likes very much, and who likes him back, and who he's happy with - but I'm slightly disappointed that I won't be able to see as much of him as I would like; that I won't be able to play with him and have sex with him with a strap-on again and cuddle with him in bed and hide under the covers and talk about anything and everything.

I left CT's room because I had to go to class - but throughout the whole thing I was discreetly running a thumbtack - and after I lost it, a pencil - up and down my arms, feeling the burn and letting it calm me. The Actor says that hurting yourself is the most cowardly and pathetic thing you could ever do, and I agree with him. But still, when I feel sad and worthless and unloved, I scratch myself. And I think that the small scratches don't really hurt me; that I can get away with this. But when I come back to my dorm, my dorm-mates notice the red, angry marks and ask me about them. And I cover myself with my jacket and give them excuses. And worry.

I'm looking and asking for something that seems very simple - requited love - but life keeps disappointing me and I'm almost ready to give up. I have myself, and I feel that that's all I can ever hope to own and care about in this world, without the threat of being hurt.

I want somebody I love to care about me without fear, without wanting anything in return - and asking that seems like asking for the sky or the stars or something impossible. Because if you think about it - it is impossible. These days, people don't want love and romance. People want someone independent and self-sufficient who can clean up their own messes and who doesn't have any emotional baggage. They don't want love. They want a wife. A life-partner. Someone to split the bills with.

I've felt love before. At least, I've felt the thing that I call love. It's consuming and overwhelming and makes me feel happy and morose at the same time; like I can take on the world, and like I'm the most insignificant little life-form there is at the same time. Surely, someone must have felt the same way towards me? At least once?

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Filed under: HNT, Uncategorized, angst, drunk, love Leave a comment

Comments (9) Trackbacks (4) ( subscribe to comments on this post )

The Fury
October 24th, 2008 - 00:24

Sure there’s love out there for you. And don’t feel unloved or worthless because he’s seeing someone else. your worth was created by God and maintained by you. You have such pretty skin, don’t mark it out of boredom, depression or shame. You’re worth more than that. Those guys that disappoint you aren’t sitting around worrying themselves about your feelings, don’t relinquish your energy to them when they don’t deserve it.

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merlin17
October 24th, 2008 - 13:39

I know other people who have gone through, and are going through, the same emotional torment you are. They are finding no sense of self-worth in sex, and long to matter to someone, anyone.

Relationships do develop even in today’s entropic times. Somehow–we marvel at it still–Nimue and I found each other and developed a beautiful one. It tends to happen when you least expect it. Or perhaps because of that.

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perfectlips
October 25th, 2008 - 09:51

Dear Wilhelmina

I agree with you about “these days”. I assume it’s part of the current victim/identity/fear culture. I find this culture very misanthropic.

Pardon my cheek, but aren’t you a bit young to be talking about “these days”?

PL

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Phage
October 26th, 2008 - 13:50

You will be loved. You are loved.

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Sasha Sappho
October 27th, 2008 - 20:05

I agree with Phage. And Merlin. Things will get better, and likely only when you least expect them to. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself.

In case it helps, know that though I don’t know you, I lessthanthree your blog. Here’s hoping it makes you smile. You deserve it and so much more.

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Wilhelmina
October 27th, 2008 - 20:31

Everyone – thank you. Your words mean a lot =)

Re: Merlin – Yes… every time I read your blog, I can feel the love between you and Nimue, and it makes me wonder

Re: Perfect Lips – Haha, you’re right… I don’t really know why I put ‘these days’ because ‘these days’ compared to… what? And I don’t necessarily think days past were necessarily better. I think I meant what happens in real life compared to the romantic must that movies/books/media bombard us with.

Re: Sasha Sappho – I feel like things will get better when I start… needing all this less.

And thank you for the h…I mean lessthanthree =) Personally I’ve been intrigued by your blog and the you I see in it ever since I started reading, and I’m looking forward to finding out more…

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Amalthea
October 30th, 2008 - 23:00

I read this and sincerely meant to comment, I just didn’t have time when I needed to! Sorry this is so late. I just wanted to address the Actor’s and your beliefs about causing yourself pain…. is causing physical pain really all that different from the mental torture many of us put ourselves through? I do feel that suicide is often a very selfish act and causing yourself death can be cowardly rather than facing your life and choices… but just hurting yourself? No. It’s not necessarily the healthiest coping mechanism, and people will notice, but I don’t feel it’s cowardly. IF you want to change that behavior or feel it gets out of control, you can, I am sure of it.

You matter to us. I am sorry that these people in your life don’t currently value you in the way that you desire to be valued, but it does leave you open to find someone who will. Love is supposedly the only quest we will miserably fail at over and over again, but it’s the successes that keep us coming back. I choose to not agree with that idea of failing at it however, it’s just different opportunities that do or don’t work out thanks to millions of factors both external and internal. That view allows me to see more possibilities in my world. I’m not trying to put my beliefs on you, just sharing in case it helps.

I lessthanthree your blog too dear lovely Will!

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Butch Boo
October 31st, 2008 - 09:10

That kind of love does exist….it’s what I have and I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet!

Hug

BB

X

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Wilhelmina
November 1st, 2008 - 21:04

Re: Amalthea – Hey, don’t worry about it, I’m glad that you left such a kind comment ~

Suicide, I think, is a whole other kettle of fish… but now that I think about it I don’t know if I actually agree with the Actor that fully. I really respect his opinion and what he says, and think that damaging your body isn’t a “good” thing to do, but I also think it may do more good than harm in the end. I started scratching in order to ‘punish myself’ when I upset or caused pain to other people and felt really really bad about it – but now I do it a lot less, and I do it often feeling like a really bad person, but also very angry and frustrated and upset and restless, and the scratching is a kind of relief or outlet for all of that. It calms me down. Sometimes it even ends up feeling kind of good…

Thanks so much. I think you’re probably right – love is influenced by so many factors… it’s just so easy for me to pin it on myself not being worthwhile, when deep inside I know that isn’t true.

Re: ButchBoo – That’s great =) Every time I see happy couples (especially friends of mine) I feel a mixture of joy (for them, and that something that lovely exists in the world) and jealousy

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Wilhelmina Wang. Queer, female college student with her mind lodged firmly in the gutter, seeking genderbenders, lessons in BDSM, a meaningful fuck, and a point in life.

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