Comments on: My Failed Search for Intimacy

By: Human After All « Heartbreak Nymphomania

Human After All « Heartbreak Nymphomania — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:24:31 +0000

[...] I’ve been thinking a lot about a recent comment that Graydancer left me: Among other things, I would say find partners (or let your current partners [...]

By: Wilhelmina

Wilhelmina — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 00:01:40 +0000

I never expected it all to work out magically… it’s just with the people mentioned, we were fairly open with each other, so it was a surprise to me when it didn’t work out, and in fact I felt like my grievances were things I ’shouldn’t’ have been feeling – which is no productive way to think about that at all.

But thanks a lot for the comment… it’s actually given me a lot to think about.

By: Graydancer

Graydancer — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 00:17:08 +0000

I found your blog via Twitter, and have enjoyed the posts (visual and verbal) immensely. I just wanted to address one part of this post, the idea of threesomes. When you talk about watching the other two do things, and then crying when they’re asleep, or simply being unsatisfied, I would have to say that the thing to keep in mind that threesomes are a skillset. The idea that it just all magically works out is absolutely as ridiculous as saying that “sex is natural.”

Among other things, I would say find partners (or let your current partners know) what it is that you need from them – snuggling, connection, whatever. But in a threesome, everybody has a right to be satisfied, whatever that means. It may mean you only want to watch – or it may mean you need a hot double fisting while you’re spanking them and quoting Prospero’s speeches from the Tempest. But let them know, and talk about it afterwards (awkward though that may be) and resolve to do it better next time.

I’ve had many threesomes of various permutations – and the best ones are when everyone is aware that they have a responsibility to satisfy both other lovers. Then again…isn’t that kind of the definition of any good lover?

Thanks for the blog, btw – it’s interesting, educational, and hot.

By: Wilhelmina

Wilhelmina — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 20:51:10 +0000

@Amalthea I definitely agree with that. What I’ve also noticed about myself is that I tend to be easily repelled by people who are over-eager, and drawn to people who are more subtle or detached… and who very often turn out to be problematic or unavailable in some way.

I’ve always thought of myself as *more* needy/emotional than everybody else, but I’m starting to see that that isn’t necessarily true, since – yes, everyone needs intimacy, and people show/deal with that need in different ways.

=) There are a lot of good things I need to remind myself of… I think it’s starting to stick in my mind more now, which I am glad of.

@Merlin Ditto on the multiple lovers thing. But polyamory =/= casual hookup, at ALL, which I think some people don’t understand.

By: merlin17

merlin17 — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 06:18:40 +0000

I often tell Nimue that I crave holding her and cuddling with her after sex as much as I crave the sex itself. Part of this has to do with hormones–the brain releases oxytocin, the cuddling hormone, at orgasm. But most of it involves reassuring each other that we love each other, and the love subsumes the sex.

I’ve never been able to do the casual hookup thing well either. That doesn’t mean I’m necessarily monogamous; I have loved more than one woman at the same time (and I think you can have multiple lovers, too). But loving is more than fucking. It’s hugging, kissing, sharing feelings and emotions, and being supportive. You’re not getting much of that from your fwb’s; no wonder you feel unsatisfied.

Your love is a precious gift for you to bestow on deserving people who give the same gift to you. The Actor gets it. I hope you find more people who do.

By: Amalthea

Amalthea — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 05:48:29 +0000

You know, it’s funny… but when we want to be something we tend to be attracted to those who ARE that thing. When we want to be more confident, we admire the confident. So perhaps in your desire to be less attached you’ve been more attracted to those who would not be attached to you…. I have to say your friend has a very good perspective. Every human being needs intimacy to varying degrees, some are more able to acknowledge that need than others. Acknowledging this about yourself only makes you stronger, not weaker. It’s hard to accept needing others sometimes, but in reality everyone needs other people. Even sociopaths need others to take advantage of in order to feed their needs. So… you are normal. I like a lot of physical intimacy in my friendships, one of the reasons my friendships also have some wb overlap like yours do. However I seem to have had less success keeping those people as my friends over time than you have. Intimacy does overlap with sex sometimes for people too, especially with those of us who think about it so often and see it as an expression of closeness (like I do) or trust or even just something to meet a quota (I totally feel that way a lot of the time, like I need a set amount to not go insane). It’s one of the reasons I worry that I lead my friends on. It’s one of the reasons I do tend to be a serial monogamist, because I need someone for that.

I bet if we were real life friends we’d be those (cutesy, annoying?) girls who are friends that cuddle and hug and hold hands and do all of those wonderful things together all the time. Because people need people, and that’s ok.

You should reread your last two sentences to yourself every day this week and see how it makes you feel. I think they’re dead on. The world needs people like you, other people need people like you.