Got Kink?

I didn’t think I would ever do this – but I’m currently cruising the Craigslist personals.

I sat down tonight to start drafting a post about my last romp with the Atlantean & Roommate, but ended up distracted by spanking porn. Again. Which made me start thinking about how I’ve been wanting to ‘dom’ someone for quite some time now, which made me start lamenting how my college doesn’t seem to have many people who are interested in experimenting with such things, which lead me to trawling Craigslist for women in the area who want another woman to dom them. Needless to say, the pickings were few. Too bad the university I’m currently on an exchange with censors FetLife.

I don’t really know when I realized, or even acknowledged, that I was into spanking. When I look back, I think it started a damn long time ago, even before I was aware of what sexuality was, and way before I was capable of recognizing sexuality within myself. I don’t know how old I was exactly - just that I was under nine years old. I would daydream about girls who had done something terribly wrong/bad, and then would be forced into some kind of exposed position, sometimes restrained, sometimes not, and beaten/spanked. I would daydream about what would hurt the most - a hand, a belt… and even came up with some kind of implement that had sharp points arranged in shapes on it, and would leave marks on the flesh that it struck. (And how would I have known of the existence of studded paddles back then?) At times, I even went beyond that. Once, I made up mental stories about a pair of villains who dressed incredibly scantily, and roamed about a high school, capturing unwary students and forcing them to take their clothes off. I didn’t understand what I was doing at the time, I just knew that I enjoyed thinking about those things. That it felt good.

And about when I was thirteen years old, I started scratching myself. At first, I only did so whenever I upset or angered my best friend at the time – who was the type of person who was highly critical and demanding and got very angry at me on a regular basis. I told myself I was ‘punishing’ myself for being such a hurtful, bad person to her. I do it less now, and for different reasons. I scratch myself when I feel upset; and often when I feel worthless. I’ve also realized that ‘punishing myself’ is just an excuse I use, when really the sensation of pain is beneficial to me. It provides a kind of catharsis of my panic, anger, sadness, or anxiety. It relaxes me. And at times it actually feels kind of good.

All that said, I still don’t understand how I can come in a matter of minutes from watching a beautiful woman get spanked so hard that she sobs and screams.

I never dommed anyone until I met K and the Emperor. And even then what I did with them was merely dipping a toe into the vast lake of domination. Before that, I never even considered the possibility that exploring BDSM was something that I might want.

And I’m still very confused.

I want to inflict pain on others, and I want others to inflict pain on me – but nothing extremely damaging. Anything involving blood is out. Paddles, whips, belts, hot wax, scratching? Hell yes – but I won’t let nipple clamps or clothespins or piercing guns come anywhere near me. Being tied up or restrained? Please – but thinking about performing any excessively complicated knots on somebody else gives me a headache. Degradation, humiliation, name calling or service does nothing for me – yet a shiver runs down my spine every time Christopher calls me ‘madam’, ‘mistress’ or says ‘please’ during (cyber)sex.

I know that BDSM presents a wealth of possibilities and preferences – but how much must you want to do before you can consider yourself kinky? Are you kinky from when you realize that the idea of hurting a sexual partner really, really turns you on? Or do you have to get into all the heavy stuff (mummification, suspension bondage, what have you) before you ‘qualify’? Is there some kind of line you have to toe?

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