I know why I have abandonment issues, and they are insidious. Especially when mixed with trust and esteem problems. Merlin is right in a way, these three things tend to feed one another. However, while I’ve attempted to become more of an open and live out loud sort of person, who is much more accepting of my humanity – my way of fighting those issues within myself- who validates any and all emotions in others and in myself… it’s hard. It takes time, and work, to change those thought patterns. The one way I’ve worked on it and actually had it make some difference is to remind myself of that which I would always say others deserve. Every person deserves to have a friend, to be trusted by someone, to be loved, to be validated in their sexuality, emotions, and in themselves. They deserve the right to pursue meeting their needs (sexually, emotionally, every way) as long as it doesn’t infringe on someone else’s boundaries. Remembering that and trying to do that for others reminds me to do it for myself as well. It’s slow going, but it has helped. When I feel like crying I tell myself it’s ok. I may go be alone to do it, but it’s ok to do it. It’s ok to call my best friend when I don’t know what’s wrong, she loves me, she’d want to know I’m not ok – and how do I remind myself this is true? Because, I’d want HER to do it. If I start berating myself with shoulds, I ask myself what advice I would give a close friend. Would I tell them they shouldn’t have their feelings? NEVER. It doesn’t always work, and I still berate myself and create guilt where none is needed sometimes, but it helps… and I’m getting better. The number one thing is to try to fight those patterns of both thought and deed. Once you break them, it’s so much easier to never go back. The next thing you know you’re not as needy anymore, you’re self-esteem is higher, you’re not as afraid of censoring of yourself. I know you can do this! And you already have a team of people who love you as you are, even if it’s not in the way you want, and who will be there through this too.

@ Merlin – Yeah… it’s scary how cycles perpetuate themselves/how your actions perpetuate cycles that influence your entire being…

@ SublimeFemme – I’m glad to know I’m not the only one…

What is also scary is that sometimes one’s feelings can be unhealthy and unwarranted, e.g. feeling worthless for no apparent reason, and then you realize your emotions are skewed strangely and that you can’t trust them. But then there are some emotions that still CAN be trusted and need to be paid attention to.

I do have some idea where the low self-esteem comes from… I think it was a combination of being naturally shy and introverted/growing up in a country where I was a community-less minority, where I kept running into language barriers, and where non-comformity was largely frowned upon… I have no idea where the abandonment thing comes from.

This post really touched me. While I was reading I found myself thinking about that post you wrote about scratching/cutting a while ago (how long ago was that?); in both posts I was moved by the self-esteem issues you’re wrestling with and your vulnerability and honesty in discussing them. I’ve been there, believe me.

Everyone is right, you have to feel your feelings. But that can be very, very scary. So while I wholeheartedly agree with Merlin17 that you should never be afraid to let others know what you want and never do anything you don’t want to do, I recognize that those things can be enormously challenging if deep down you feel damaged, wounded or unworthy.

What I hope for you is that you’ll find a way, whenever you’re ready, to address what’s causing your self-esteem issues and feelings of abandonment. (Do I sound like I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy? That’s because I have; I’m a big fan!) In my experience, doing this difficult work is what enables us to discover who we are and what it is we truly want and need.

Just a little advice from the blogosphere’s (self-appointed!) Mother of the House of Femme. Sending you love.

xo SF

Never be afraid to let others know what you want, either in your sex life or the vanilla world beyond. And never do anything you don’t want to do.