Sometimes « Heartbreak Nymphomania

16Dec/085

Sometimes

Sometimes...

I wish I were thin.

There are times when I feel beautiful and desired - and those times are wonderful. They don't come around very often. (But they used to not occur at all.)

But then there are times when I look at myself and all I notice is that my thighs rub against each other when I walk; that I wear big, nerdy glasses; that I'm small and dumpy; that my belly is bigger than it used to be; that my breasts are still too small. (But if I were no longer curvy, I think I would miss it...)

And for every person who likes me and I like back, there's a hundred people I like and who are too good for me. They chase the pretty, outgoing, svelte girls. And for every person who likes me and I like back, there's a hundred people who like me and I don't feel at all attracted to them. I wish I did - but instead I find them sketchy, unattractive, overbearing, overeager, arrogant...

Sometimes...

I wish I were drop-dead gorgeous.

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Filed under: angst, body image, drunk, feminism, reflections Leave a comment

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Amalthea
December 16th, 2008 - 20:26

Ah my sweet, I imagine this is unfortunately something almost every woman/girl goes through. I’ve known some incredibly beautiful women.. who felt this. We’ve all read about the actresses/models who feel this. There are those we would consider drop-dead gorgeous who still feel this way.

In other words…. I wish it too. Too often. I’m too short, my breasts are too small, my legs too masculine, blah blah blah. However, I can’t be Megan Fox. So, here’s to loving myself, as is, as often and as much as I can make myself! Join me as often as you can my darling.

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merlin17
December 17th, 2008 - 01:37

Allow me to provide a male perspective: all women, no matter how closely they conform to the supermarket-tabloid standard of “drop dead gorgeous,” have insecurities about their bodies. They compare themselves to other women, who naturally have different bodies, and conclude they are too fat/thin/tall/short/small-breasted/large-breasted/the list goes on.

Our role as men is to convince you that you are gorgeous to us, no matter how you compare to Angelina Jolie. Because you are. Because of who you are, how you make us feel, how you react when we put our arms around you. How you make love. How you converse with us, how you parry ideas back and forth. How we enjoy the totality of you.

Hopefully, you can free yourself from this way of thinking and see yourself as the beautiful and desirable woman you are.

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perfectlips
December 17th, 2008 - 07:56

I am a bit ill, so just some disjointed thoughts:

(a) Everyone knows big nerdy glasses are cool. In all the films the woman takes off the specs, shakes out her hair and — the audience gasps — she is beautiful! This is such a standard cinematic motif (maybe a bit old-fashioned these days) that whenever anyone sees a woman in big nerdy glasses and hair tied up they immediately think “gorgeous sexpot”.

(b) There’s nothing wrong with working out down at the gym. Exercise is a very sensual activity. If you’re interested in gay culture, the gym, fitness and la bella figura is an important nexus.

(c) I’m sure men fret like this too, although many may not admit it to themselves. It’s healthy and proper to think that one is not as good as one thinks one should be; it’s what you do about it that counts.

(d) Your ratios are evenly balanced.

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Modernswinger
December 17th, 2008 - 11:16

Everybody has already made great points so I’m just going to add this quote that I like from one of my favorite books, “The Perks of Being A Wallflower”

“And the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.

I just hope I remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as I look in my old photographs. And I hope that they believe me.”

I don’t think those two come exactly together in the book but I like them that way. I guess it’s just another way of saying that we all feel like we get more than our share of rejection. A gambler remembers the losses more than the big wins, and I know I think more about the women I didn’t get. One way you can look at it is there is probably a few guys out there thinking about how they screwed up and lost you or never got you, just like you think about other guys that you wanted.

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Wilhelmina
December 19th, 2008 - 03:33

@Amalthea I will, my dear. I’ve spent so long thinking I’m unattractive; I’ve begun to like how I look a lot more often now, but still have times where I’m very critical… which is true for everyone.

@Merlin I oscillate between thinking that marketed beauty is the ideal and all kinds of beauty can be the ideal… I hope I can accept the latter fully, eventually.

@Perfectlips Thank you. You’re right, I’ve been ‘planning’ to swim laps regularly so often now and I keep NOT doing that…

@Modernswinger Definitely true; and there’s nothing wrong with that. Rejection always happens but eventually… eventually… you find someone and it clicks. If it happened so easily one wouldn’t appreciate it as much ~

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