On Christopher: Fragments

After getting back to college, I met K and Christopher within the first couple of days.

K came up to me after our class, gave me a hug, and we went and had a two-hour lunch where we talked non-stop. All our interactions were very obviously platonic – I had expected as much. While I had been gone, all our emails were fond and sometimes even affectionate, but definitely platonic. And during our conversation he told me all about the sexploits and heartaches he had gotten into over the past few months. I was disappointed for about five seconds, and then realized that ultimately it’s better this way. This way, I now have an awesome new friend. And I never felt that we “clicked” very well romantically or even sexually, though I’d probably sleep with him again if given the chance – now that the pressure and uncertainty have gone we’d probably be able to just play, and enjoy each other. We’ll see.

Christopher came by my room while I was hanging out with F, who is a mutual friend. My reactions were completely the opposite to when I met K. We hugged, he sat down and we started chatting with F – and I could almost see sexual tension fill the room like a particularly large elephant.

Have you ever felt that before? When neither of you are even doing anything special or suggestive, but the most normal words and gestures suddenly feel different? Like they mean something? Like legs touching, like too-long hugs, like “I’m really glad to see you,” “Were you okay last night?”… I turn the words over in my mind and they’re completely normal and mundane, so I don’t know what he does that somehow charges them with wealths of meaning

I had fully decided to not do anything rash, and let things roll and just see how things would turn out, but obviously I ended up drinking wine with the Scientist later that night, and ran into Christopher when we were visiting the frats. I still would have been able to not do anything rash, etc, except that someone pointed out to me that one of the girls we were with was ferociously hitting on him, which lead me to act quite visibly agitated, which lead Christopher to notice and start persuading me to tell him what was wrong, which lead me to say that I couldn’t tell him but I would text him instead, which lead me to send him a text saying that I wanted to ravish him, and that I found my feeling very bewildering.

Ravish. Honestly.

I have to stop doing this thing where I spill my guts over email/SMS.

He found me and said that he felt the same but didn’t know what he wanted to do about it yet. He seemed stressed and I promptly felt bad because I hadn’t needed anything from him at the time, really, I just wanted to express how I felt… I left soon after that and comforted myself that it wasn’t that bad because I hadn’t said anything different from what I had already been telling him many times over email/chat, and maybe it was better that I brought things out into the open early instead of letting them fester. At least now the tension would abate for a while, right?

Not really. I got brunch with him and the Scientist the next day and everything seemed perfectly normal until we all had to leave and he said “See you later.” At which point the tension asserted loudly that, yes, it was indeed still around and very much so.

Dammit.

—

When me and Christopher were fwbs, I always viewed myself as simply “warming the bed”. I told myself that the reason he was sleeping with me was because he was lonely and horny and his gf wasn’t around and he just needed someone. I actually asked him recently why he slept with me, specifically, and he said it was because he was attracted to me and he felt emotionally close to me.

He also said something like I wasn’t the only one who missed our non-sexual intimacy – he missed it as well. Which really confused me. Because if he could be both physically intimate and sexual with his gf, then why would he miss being that way with me?

What also confused me that I think there was tension between us even when his gf was visiting. Looking back, I remember hanging out in a big group or playing RPGs and feeling as if there was so much energy in the air. So many unsaid words.

If his gf was around, why would he want me? Was I not merely the bedwarmer? The cheap substitute?

—

S: Of course he doesn’t see you as a substitute. His feelings towards you and his girlfriend are different. You can care about more than one person.

Wilhelmina: But if he’s in a monogamous relationship…

S: No one is monogamous, it’s just a social construct.

Wilhelmina: I know, I think so too, but if you’re going to be in a monogamous relationship…

Wilhelmina: What I don’t understand is that if he says he only likes me as a friend, and is only sexually attracted to me, then what is all that other… stuff that’s there?

S: Well maybe what he says isn’t the same as what’s reality.

Wilhelmina: Well, that’s what I want to know, I want to know what he really thinks, but he won’t say, so…

S: I think you already know, you’re just trying to convince yourself that you don’t. He likes you.

Wilhelmina: Well, I’ve thought of that, but then it’s probably just wishful thinking on my part since I want him to and all…

S: I wanted to tell you something about low self-esteem. People with moderate or high self-esteem receive a compliment and it makes them feel good. People with low self-esteem receive a compliment, like someone liking them, it makes them feel good for a little while, and then they convince themselves it isn’t true because they want to preserve their view of themselves.

Wilhelmina:

—

I had been petulantly emailing with the Emperor last term. Something about my liking ‘unavailable’ people – including him. That was when he matter-of-factly told me that I needed to determine what I wanted before I could discern whether or not someone was ‘unavailable’. It was then that I realized I didn’t really want to be in a relationship with the Emperor, but I did want to be close to him.

Closeness.

I remember when I went to hang out with the Emperor, at times I would tell my friends I was going to leave to “bask in the Emperor’s presence.” Such a perfect way to put it. I just wanted to be around him, spend time with him. I didn’t necessarily want anything from him.

I think that’s how I feel about Christopher at the moment. I don’t need a relationship with him. I don’t need him to break up with his gf. I just want to… be close.

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