Lately I’ve been taking a very ambivalent view towards sex.
Let me put it this way. Lately I’ve been blogging somewhat mechanically, doing MM and HNT because they are there, writing things because I can and not necessarily because that’s what I want to write. The problem is that I don’t really know what I want to write, now that I’ve worked through many of my issues regarding sex and relationships… Issues that I didn’t start this blog to help overcome, yet that’s how it worked out. In the same way, I’m not sure what I want to get out of sex anymore.
It’s not like I’ve lost my sex drive. Far from it. I’ve definitely sat around with F, complaining about not getting any and playfully discussing cruising for guys together.
At times I miss the intensity of being in love, I miss the emotional and psychological color that it gives to sex, yet at the same time I’m so fed up, so tired of the roller-coaster moods. And I see couples together and I wrinkle my nose, thinking no, I don’t want that.
Well, eventually I want that. Just not now.
And then sometimes I feel like just playing; flirting with people and maybe not even having it lead up to anything. Or taking someone home randomly simply because I find them pretty and compelling. At the same time I’m too lazy for that; too much of a hassle to spend that much time and effort on something that will very likely turn out to be meaningless.
—
I was out last night with Christopher and a few other people. And after a little while of drinking, I found myself being randomly pushy towards Christopher for no real reason.
When was the first time I talked about needing to explore my domme (?) identity more? The fact of the matter is that I still have all of these needs, these desires, and I’m still failing to find a way to fulfil them. I’m pushy towards Christopher because he’s nice enough to take it, to tolerate it without getting angry, but he doesn’t exactly like it, I think.
I don’t even know if this is “domination” or if it’s even at all sexual. What I want is someone to entertain my petty little insecurities. Someone who will let me take control of them when I’m anxious or insecure or need attention or need reassurance or feel out of control and simply need the feeling of being in control of something, no matter how superficial that control that might be. Someone who will do menial, pointless little tasks for me, like fetch something for me if I ask them to, even if I could easily do it myself. Someone who’s willing to be mildly inconvenienced for no good reason except to make me feel better. Someone who’s willing to let me push them, test them, make them jump through hoops.
It’s not like I would be like that all the time – but just now and again. It’s just a game – I know that, and the other person would know that too, but would play with me anyway. Forget gifts, forget romance, forget flowery poetry – willingly giving up control over oneself to somebody else? Is there any other better show of affection?
So how exactly am I going to figure this out? Walk up to someone I’m interested in and instead of asking hey, want to go out some time?, ask them hey, do you want to be my bitch?
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Think you’d get bored wih their complete lack of power after a while? I’m assuming you don’t mean fully submissive but I don’t really know.. :/
Actually, I would be interested to see how the “Want to be my bitch” thing works out. With the right amount of chemical lubricant, it could be very successful.
Seriously, though, I think that honesty is always going to be the key to it. You will never get there by misrepresenting what you want and hoping that you will find a guy who is interested in A, because you started out doing B. If you want A, that’s where you need to go.
Now, granted, it helps that he sees the benefits in it for him as well (unless he is just remarkably pure submissive who also has a world-defining crush on you). The other possibility, I suppose, is to have someone who loves you in your life, who will happily do whatever for no reason except that he loves you, though that would obviously involve other entanglements, and certainly won’t happen at the snap of a finger.
@ Claire No I don’t mean fully submissive at all. I think I wouldn’t be able to deal with a complete lack of power from them, nor would I want that. I just want someone who would be okay with letting me indulge every once in a while, or would *want* me to have power over them once in a while.
@ Sylvanus Yes – I know I didn’t write about that and probably seem quite selfish but if he wanted it too it would be great, I guess I just assume that most people wouldn’t actively want something like that (well, where I am at least. Preppy white college and all.)
And love would be nice too. I think I’ve been looking for it for a while and haven’t been able to find it so maybe my frustration with that is coming out in other ways… I don’t know.
If you found love with someone, that someone would do little things for you because he/she cares about you and wants you to be happy. Otherwise, it would be a quid pro quo situation . . . the other person would please you only in return for you pleasing him/her in some fashion. Which I don’t think is what you want.
OK, that’s helpful, you’re probably thinking. But the idea of walking up to someone who attracts you and being blunt about what you desire isn’t a bad one. Men do like women who are forthright, who say they want their back massaged or feet rubbed rather than hinting and getting angry when the hints aren’t recognized. Your first target may not be as enthralled with you as you like, but most of us are horny creatures and your next one might well turn out to be the bitch you crave.
Funny how all my wants end up leading back to love… it’s a little annoying. I wouldn’t want it to be a quid pro quo situation at all – if the person didn’t really want to do it or just did it to get something in return that would suck.
I hope so. I’m awful at being subtle and flirty, I’d much prefer just being frank about my interest in a person, or just stating that I found them attractive.