Anxieties

A quick glance into my head over the course of a typical workweek...

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God. There's too much sauce on my sandwich and it's dripping onto my plate. It's really bothering me. I hope no one else is noticing. Most of the girls are eating a lot lighter - salads, and fruit... She's eating a stew though. I hope I don't have any food in my teeth...

I'm probably prettier than at least half of them. No - most of them. But the ones who are prettier than me are so much prettier than me. Like her, that Asian girl, with her little button nose. And the platinum blond, she looks like an ice princess. I'll never be able to look as pretty as that. I think I look good, but I still can't think of myself as a thin girl. Just curvy, which is basically a euphemism for fat, isn't it...

They're all so well put together. Make-up impeccably done, jewelry, purses... I don't actually own a purse because I find them annoying, but I look like a schoolkid in my backpack and thick-framed glasses. Like a child. Everyone thinks I look at least 5 years younger than I am, and they can't explain why. Is it my round cheeks? Do I act immature? I hope not. Every time I complain, people say I should be grateful, that I'll age well, but now it's just plain annoying. I don't want people to not take me seriously...

Why can't I concentrate? Why can't I get any words down on the page? The two people next to me are. They're just sitting there completely wrapped up in their work, why can't I do the same? What's wrong with me?

I wanted to take one more of those cupcakes, but I can't now that she's looked at the package and exclaimed over how many calories are in it. She's gone now, but she'll probably hear the sound of the plastic if I open the box... I better not take one...

I've had a bad throat for weeks now. Every time answer the phone - hello - my voice cracks, and every time I greet someone the first word I utter sounds like a croak. It's so ugly, so graceless. I hate it...

When did I get those two coffee-drop stains on my white skirt? The outfit is ruined now. I'm going to be thinking about those spots all day. I should have worn something else.

I shouldn't have jacked him off. It was just the second date! I probably gave too much too fast. What if he respects me less because of it?

Crap, I have to walk into the board meeting and get her? All the board members will stare at me. ...Well, better get it over with...

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I'm pretty neurotic at the best of times, but today was a particularly neurotic day for me.

And I used to be much worse. Sooo much worse.

I was thinking on the bus back from work today that judgment is one of the things I fear the most. Which is why I don't usually do very well with things that involve comparison with others; where I'm not quite sure I'll be able to excel.

So I usually try escape or avoid the situation. Or, when I'm stuck with the situation, I'll simply remove myself from the system. Make myself an outsider. Because if you're not participating in the system, you can't be judged according to its standards, right? I'm tempted to do just that with my job - ditch the girly outfits for a collared shirt and slacks for a day could be one way.

The problem with that, however, is that it only works for so long. Sometimes in order to get anywhere you need to embrace the system. When it comes to that, my typical approach is useless.

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