Peace & Passion

[Photo via Mistress Sade]

Last night, I came across a couple of very sexy pictures.

They were black and white pictures of a beautiful naked man in bondage. Leather straps around the chest and legs, collar, cuffs, cock & ball harness, the works. What I found interesting was that the pictures colored me equal parts randy and tranquil. I felt restless, too – like I really, really wanted something to do with that but didn’t know exactly what. Looking at his long limbs restrained so neatly and beautifully produced this sense of calmness and comfort; similar to that one time I was bound with rope. I tried to articulate what, exactly, I felt at the time to S, and couldn’t. But now I’ve finally put my finger on it.

It’s the same kind of Zen feeling I get when I’m cleaning, but under no time pressure. Like folding clothes, organizing my desk, straightening the row of shoes in my closet. Wanting to go up to Christopher and fix the collar and cuffs on his shirt. Or to actually dress him, from head to toe. And for a couple of weeks, I did this thing when I was really stressed or anxious, and I’d take napkins and systematically tearing them up into thin, uniform strips. Sometimes I can do really mundane work, like filing, and thoroughly zone out and feel very very calm.

A ritualistic compulsion.

I can see myself acting the same way with dominance.

Slowly drizzling colorful lines of hot wax over someone’s smooth, dipped back. Tying someone’s arms behind their back and admiring how they look in the pretty ropework. Shaving them, even…

Considering how neurotic I can be, it sort of makes sense that I would tend towards dominance. Hard limits aside, if the person is fully submitting to me? Dominance, within reason, is all about me, about what I am doing to them.

In many ways, it’s all about creating some semblance and order in an otherwise chaotic and unpredictable world.

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What you will notice is that I keep using the word “someone.” Up until now, I still haven’t found someone who I can explore things with; who is consistently there.

I’ve had many conversations about how S/M is more about the people involved than whatever play you might be engaging in. And I fully believe that. I mean, that’s why I haven’t played with every Tom, Chris or Susan who has come my way. At the same time, whenever I meet someone into S/M who I click well with, my thoughts, immediately, are: “Great! Maybe now I can do all this stuff.” When you’ve been waiting and wanting very much to try certain acts, it’s pretty hard not to do that. I want to stop myself from doing that, though, because it produces a certain kind of blindness that I’d prefer to avoid.

The other reason I’m so focused on S/M “actions” is… well, I don’t know how to do all that much yet. I guess part of it is my being a geek and wanting to know as much of the technicalities as possible. And part of it is building some kind of “street cred.” I’ve met submissives who have wanted to play with me who were so experienced that I ended up being intimidated. “You mean, you’ve been suspended, put in a sleepsack, and pierced before? No way am I going to be able to do that for you…”

I’ll be honest, when I dom someone, I want to spoil (and torture) them to no end. I want to dom them as well as I possibly could, and how can I do that if I don’t know what the hell I’m doing?

In many ways, I see S/M as an art form – taking sensations, learning them, and manipulating them, with the end result being the wresting of a beautiful landscape of emotions from the other person.

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