Emancipation

Him: you have a problem in one place, so you're trying to solve it by creating happiness in another place. it's like trying to heal a broken leg by taking morphine instead of setting the bone. and you know what the problem is. you already said. i quote: i want to feel wanted, desired, beautiful. you need a certain kind of self-actualization. in other words, you need to find a way to be happy with yourself that doesn't depend on what someone else thinks about you.

A couple of nights ago I realized something.

I don't need to hook up anymore.

I still want to, of course, but that need to fuck in order to feel more beautiful, more desirable, more worthwhile a person, isn't there anymore.

When I was in the Caribbean and hooking up with the Atlantean, him and his roommate kept saying that they thought I was a sexually liberated woman. I would nod along but feel that something wasn't right - this desperate need to hook up? The need for sex to affirm myself? The need for someone to pay rapt attention to me and my body, for at least an hour or so? And for the need to be so strong that it would sometimes make me do things that were against my better judgment, or do things that compromised my views?

Whatever a sexually liberated woman is supposed to be like, I thought, this isn't it.

I think I realized that the need had left me when the Optimist was having a stressful couple of weeks and was being M.I.A. For a few moments, I wondered "maybe he doesn't want to see me?" But then I countered - no, I know he wants to. We may not have hooked up in a while, but I know he wants to see me. And even if he didn't, well, no big deal.

A few months ago, something like that would have been a big deal. I would have felt rejected and hurt. I would have asked myself "what is wrong with me? Why doesn't this person like me? How should I change myself?" And now, if I have a good reason, I still might wonder if I did something to drive the person away, but I'll also remember that people have lives and moods and the way they're acting might not necessarily have anything to do with me. And, while I may feel a bit disappointed at losing the chance at having a good sexual experience, I am able to shrug my shoulders and say - there will be a next time.

I am beginning to love myself more and more. I'm shaking off the last shards of the cage that has been trapping me for so long - a cage of fear, shyness, insecurity and hatred of my differences. I don't need sex to feel validated anymore because I realize that I am a valuable person. And whether [insert person here] wants to have sex with me or not, I will still be a valuable person.

I can't even begin to tell you how much of a relief this is.

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