Resolution

I think I have a weakness for unattainable men.

I know, right? So typical. And yes, specifically men. At least that’s been my experience so far. I’m writing about this now because an acquaintance of mine has started dating someone new. And I started paying a lot more attention to him. Interestingly, he had been flirting with me not too long ago. A few months maybe? And while I liked him, I was kind of ambivalent and ultimately decided it would be better if we didn’t start anything – both because of logistical reasons and because I wasn’t as “crazy” about him as I would like.

And don’t let’s forget my track record of gay, taken, or emotionally unavailable men.

I don’t know what the cause is. All the good ones are taken? People want something more when someone else has it? I’m subconsciously afraid of commitment so I only like people who I can never actually have? Who knows.

But now I have decided… no more unattainable men.

A couple of my friends used to say that I was selling myself short by participating in some of the sexual relationships that I did… and I think they were right.

I’m in the middle of figuring a lot of things out about my life. And part of that is what I want out of sexual/romantic relationships. So, in addition to trying to stop being late, be more assertive, etc etc, I’m going to attempt to cut out unhealthy, ultimately negative relationships from my life. Put a few hard limits in place, if you will.

• No more taken people
  …unless I consult with the significant other first, or know that they’re ok with it. Even then, I have to go into it with almost no expectations at all. Forget any possibility of a relationship, or dating, or anything more than casual hooking up. Well, if the couple is poly, there is a chance, but then they’re already in a “safer” position than me, per se, since they already have someone they’re committed to and I would just be someone they’re considering. And if I end up being a secondary partner, or if I end up being the third to a couple in an open relationship, then I’m just the spice. The side dish, not the main course. And I do not want to be the spice. So… with all those conditions, is it even worth it in the first place?

• No more emotionally unavailable people, or people who can’t have an emotional connection with me
  … this means many things. It means people who are not in good headspace and for some reason can’t have sex with me and upkeep an emotional, cordial connection with me. Or someone who is too distant or closed off and doesn’t know how to communicate, or doesn’t want to. Or just someone who doesn’t want to get to know me. I’m sorry, but I prefer to get to know the people I fuck. In fact, I’ve realized lately that most of my attraction is centered around a person’s personality. While looks of course have something to do with it, whether or not I find your actions and behavior attractive is more important. Unfortunately, I don’t think many people here share my view. I remember talking to Roommate about this once, and he said: “why should I care how smart or interesting [my hookup] is? It’s not like I’m going to be having a conversation with her while we’re having sex. *mimicking thrusting* Oh hey baby, by the way, what’s your life philosophy?” I was absolutely speechless when I heard this…

• No more people who aren’t sure what they want, or dick me around for a large period of time, or send me mixed messages

• No more assholery
  … examples? Hooking up with me and neglecting to tell me he has a gf. Sleeping with me on a regular basis, and then ditching me for someone else he’s more interested in without saying anything to me. Continuing to push yourself on me when I’ve made it clear that I’m not interested, or need more time to decide how I feel about you. Pursuing me with great aplomb and then ignoring me once I finally have sex with you. Letting a girl think she’s in a relationship with you when you don’t feel the same way.


Cue mini-rant: for some inexplicable reason, so many of the guys I know (and, yes, it has still always been guys in my experience, though I’m sure there are girls who do it too. I’ve just been with many more guys than girls) seem to think all of the above is acceptable behavior. I’m not just listing things that happened to me, but to friends, or girlfriends of my male friends. On the rare occurrence that I’ve called someone out for doing one of the above, or they’ve acted like victims, said I was being unreasonable and unfair towards them. I like many of those men well enough as people, but when they pull shit like that it just boggles my mind. I mean, last time I checked, caring about whether or not you’re hurting someone’s feelings is common decency…

If you want to stop sleeping with me, is it that much of a hassle to take 5 minutes out of your day to say: “Oh, btw, I’ve had had a fun time with you, but there’s this girl I’ve liked for a while and she’s single for the first time in forever, so I think I’m going to go for it.” Is that so hard? What do you think I’m going to do to you if you tell me something like that? I might be a little disappointed, sad, or upset, but in all likelihood I’ll deal with it and say “good for you, thanks for telling me.” It’s so much better to know where I stand instead of being confused and finding out what’s really going on from somebody else later.


What so many college students do is avoid communicating this kind of thing to one another because it makes things “awkward.” This excuse smells of more bullshit than you would ever imagine. Avoiding dealing with your shit because it’s inconvenient or unpleasant is in no way valid (although, I’ve been guilty of the same thing many, many times myself, believe me). Do you really care so much about whether or not you’ll exchange a few uncomfortable glances in the cafeteria? Is it that big of a deal?


• No more people who don’t really want me, or who aren’t actually attracted to me
  … there is a prime example I’m thinking of here. Okay, so you’re gay, and you want to mess around with me because we’re emotionally very intimate and you’re very curious about the female body, since it’s a very novel thing for you. But I just don’t think messing around with someone who talks about how gross he finds my female body, my vagina, is healthy.

So… all of that is out. I have added some things to my “yes” list: respect, politeness, gentlemanliness, and consideration are a few.

High standards, maybe, but why have lower ones?

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