Disclaiming & Snowballing

[via rent-a-moose]

...no, not that sort of snowballing, you pervs.

So, since I began the coming-out process as a sexblogger, I've told most of the friends that I've written about; or they have found out somehow. So far, I've been happy to find that nobody has any hard/hurt feelings about my writing about them, or look down on me for doing this. My outing myself has actually encouraged a number of dialogues between me and the friends I write about here, as well as a few interesting conversations with people I haven't mentioned.

However, one person, upon reading this blog, decided that one of her friends, who I'd written about, should never read it because it would hurt his ego too much.

He did, in fact, end up reading it. And I talked to him about my writing negative things about him. He took it all very well, fortunately. In any case, I feel like I should repeat some of the things I told him here, since it's something I'd like my readers / other bloggers to think about...

In a sense, I'm being very unfair to everyone I mention here. I'm writing things about them and presenting them in a certain way without giving them the chance to "defend" themselves or give their side of the story. It's actually pretty similar to blabbing about someone to other people behind their back. Of course, now that they know about this blog, they could present their perspectives if they so wished, but that was not always possible.

Maybe I'm stating the obvious, but people who read this blog need to understand that I'm pretty much the epitome of "unreliable narrator." I'm recounting all these events from a very specific point of view: mine, and I'm a pretty self-absorbed, neurotic, emotional person (if you haven't noticed that already) at that. I also wrote many of these posts at a time where I was stressed and filled with emotions and in dire need to work through them, so I probably presented a very skewed picture of what happened. Many of the things I said were true in the moment but then evaporated hours, days or maybe even months later. And with certain people, I wrote more negative than positive things about them... while I want to record the happy moments so that I can better remember them, the negative or troubling happenings tend to be the ones I need to process, and therefore need to write about more urgently.

You'd be wrong in assuming that everything I wrote about here, I later talked through with the people in question. That has happened at times... but many times my writing here was the total extent of my dealing with the problem. Yeah, I know it's better to actually talk things through with people instead of sitting around and ruminating. Expressing myself verbally, and confrontation of any kind - they're not my strong points, and I need to work on that.

...Anyway, just something to think about.

---

I was talking with one of my Zeta Mu friends the other day. She and her girlfriend have been going out for a month now, and at one point were keeping the relationship a secret. And then they started telling people. She said something that struck a chord with me - that you tell people a piece of news, and it gets to a certain point that you don't have control over who is told anymore. People tell more people and it just... snowballs.

That's exactly how I feel about me telling people about my blog... it began with me telling people and knowing who I told. (I know I said all this stuff about not hiding anymore, but the truth of the matter was that I was basically out to my close friends and to certain people at Zeta Mu. And Zeta Mus are so accepting and sexually liberal that that was hardly even a step.)

Then people started finding out without me telling them. Some of them (like K) said something to me, letting me know that they knew. But I know that it's easy enough to not say anything. And if I let myself think about enough - wonder, does this person know? What about that person - it would turn me into a paranoid, crazy mess.

Basically - you can only control who knows about you for so long, until things escalate...

Anyone who knows me well enough will eventually have a conversation about sex/relationships about me, and realize that I'm very open, liberal and experimental, and not afraid to say so. However, there are definitely people who I would prefer didn't know about my blog, simply because I know that it would change the way they treated me. A few asshat male acquaintances come to mind - guys who I know are attracted to me, and might see this blog as a sign that I am a "skank" and therefore would agree to sleeping with them (no). Or might harass me, or something. (The guys I have in mind are the same guys who, for some reason, think because I've slept with a lot of people and like sex, that I will automatically sleep with them. Even though I've told them I'm not interested multiple times. Again - no. Jeez.)

Besides that, there are certain people who don't see me in a negative light, but I'm afraid that my openness about my sex life here and on Twitter makes them uncomfortable. I mean, I'm not making them read this, but because it's just here and they know it's here...

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I haven't blogged much over the past week or so. It's not a coincidence. I mean, part of it is due to finals (which I should be working on right now...) but some of it is just self-consciousness. I'm thinking about doing HNTs less, and only writing very little about my sex life with J. That isn't only because of self-consciousness. Lately I've had little reason or inclination to do HNTs, and I also prefer keeping the majority of my sex with J private just because, well... it's nice to keep some things a secret.

It's just as well. Lately I've been wanting to write more "intellectual" posts about feminism/gender/other stuff. Maybe less smut will mean less readers, but eh. (Notice I said less. I'll be continuing to write erotica, and chronicle my experiences with Sir and the Optimist, but adding different material means less frequent erotica posts.)

To conclude, for now, though - I'm happy with how things are turning out. I'm not constantly watching myself, worrying that my friends will find out, because they already know. And that's a big relief.

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