My Hero, Save me! « Heartbreak Nymphomania

7Feb/107

My Hero, Save me!

So me and J hit a rough patch a couple of weeks ago. I think everything is alright now, but our talks made me realize something that I thought might be worth sharing here.

One of the things that was bothering J about our relationship was that he felt that he was putting more into it than I was - he was the one who would take the initiative to invite me to things, he'd do nice things for me and listen to me talk about my various inane and not-so-inane problems.

He was right, of course. There were many reasons why that was happening, some due to my own emotional issues which I've worked through to some point since then. However, I've found myself getting into friendships or relationships with men before where the man ended up being some kind of "protector" or security blanket for me. And what I realized that one of the reasons I slipped into that sort of relationship with J was precisely because he is a man.

I imagined how I'd treat my significant other if they happened to be a girl, and interestingly I don't think I would have run into any of the problems I ran into with J, because I wouldn't have been acting that way in the first place. If I were dating a girl, there's no way that I'd let her do all these things for me and wait around for her to take the initiative all the time without doing just as much myself. I'd take much more care to check up on her, do little random things to make her feel happy and try and spoil her as much as I could.

Even though I'm feminist or progressive or queer or whatever I am, I still have a lot of internalized heteronormativity, and I still subscribe to gender-myths. I was acting like the man was supposed to make the first move, be chivalrous, take care of the woman, etc, etc, when really there's no reason to assume that men don't need attention and TLC as much as women do.

Luckily, it seems that all I needed to snap out of that behavior was to talk about it a little bit. I think I'm acting like that less now. In any case, it's interesting that with all my views and intentions, the way I act can sometimes not match up.

Have any of you ever had moments like this?

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Filed under: Gender, J, reflections, relationships Leave a comment

Comments (7) Trackbacks (0) ( subscribe to comments on this post )

Britni TheVadgeWig
February 7th, 2010 - 04:02

Being submissive means that I often do the same thing. It becomes a problem when I’m with a non-Dominant partner, or in a vanilla relationship, because we’re supposed to be equal partners, yet I act like we’re not.
Britni TheVadgeWig´s last blog ..Product Review: Gigi

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- Wilhelmina Wang
  February 7th, 2010 - 11:13
  
  yeah, i think my being kinky and J being not has something to do with it as well. at the beginning i was in a very kink-heavy mindset and really wanted to submit to him, but while he’s fine with dappling in bed now and again, he’s not really okay with the more D/s stuff.
  
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Suze
February 7th, 2010 - 04:09

I think we all like to feel that we have a strong partner who looks after us and to a degree guides us. It’s as you mentioned, all about balance and ensuring that you both add to the relationship.
Being a switch I can see both sides and I consider myself a strong and independent woman but I still like to be guided, if that makes sense.

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Oliver
February 7th, 2010 - 08:29

It’s interesting how easily we can slip into our socially prescribed gender roles if we’re not constantly vigilant. Regarding men as protectors, I think that’s a role that we (men), even feminist men, take on and even subconsciously encourage in our partners if we’re not careful. It makes us feel good, powerful, etc., even if in the end it’s not good for our relationship.

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Mina
February 9th, 2010 - 05:10

It’s very easy to get wrapped up in the security (and giddiness) of being taken care of. I have been there. I have been selfish before in my own relationships. Things as simple as getting up to get something to drink and not even offering to my partner. I had a partner point this out to me. Since then, I make a conscious effort to go out of my way from time to time. It doesn’t always come naturally, but at least now I think about it.

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Amy
February 9th, 2010 - 16:02

I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with wanting a man to take care of you. I would never let a guy tell me what to do in real life, but relationships can be a little suspended away from real life – it’s a little bubble that the two of you occupy together with a dynamic that is different to everything else. Whilst obviously both partners should put in equal effort to the relationship that can take different forms and I definitely like my men to look after me. Not because I can’t look after myself, because I can, but it shows that they care and it’s nice to have someone worry about you. Why do you think Prince Charming is called Prince Charming? I try to be as feminist and progressive as possible but everything about me screams heteronormative.

I find it really interesting that you don’t think you’d do that with a girl though. It’s not an experience I have (or am likely to have, being of the mainly heterosexual, bi-curious persuasion) but being taken care of is not necessarily something you feel you *need* from a relationship, if you wouldn’t expect it from a girl so I think that does add to the focus on society’s perscribed gender roles working in your relationship. It’s definitely a positive that you’re moving forward though so that you’re acting more equally – but don’t feel bad about being spoilt every now and again!

Good post
Amy´s last blog ..The Library Hotel

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- Wilhelmina Wang
  February 9th, 2010 - 16:58
  
  thanks for the comment it’s not so much that i think there’s something inherently wrong about wanting to be taken care of. i think relationship dynamics depend on the people involved and what they want/need. the problem here was that part of the reason i was acting the way i was, was based on the assumption that “men take care of women, they don’t need to be taken care of back” and, conversely “women need to be taken care of more than men do, so i should take care of my gf – if i had one.” the problem was that my behavior was due to an assumption i made based off of gender, not something i chose to do because i necessarily needed to or because it was necessarily the best for J and me
  
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Wilhelmina Wang. Queer, female college student with her mind lodged firmly in the gutter, seeking genderbenders, lessons in BDSM, a meaningful fuck, and a point in life.

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