… and wanted to say, but didn’t. Also some of this is paraphrased, clearly, because I don’t remember everything word for word.
Example #1.
Guy friends 1 + 2: *discussing a hot girl they want to have sex with, but think is really dumb*
Me: How can you have sex with someone you don’t like? Or someone you find boring or dumb? I just can’t, personally.
Guy friend 1: What, it’s not like I’m going to be having a conversation with her while we’re having sex. *imitating thrusting motions, mockingly:* Oh, hey, so what are your philosophical views?
Guy friend 2: Know what would be awesome? A girl who was so bendy she could fit into a box. Then I could have sex with her and it would be, like, vagina in a box.
What I said: [Nothing.]
What I wanted to say: Jesus, why not just get a Fleshlight? The people you have sex with are still people, not things for you to stick your cock in.
—
Example #2.
Me + F + Group of acquaintances: *we’d been playing “Never have I ever” and eventually it comes out that I’d slept with a trans person. Thanks, F, for putting that one out there…*
Guy: *and this is someone I’d just met, asking me this in front of a bunch of people I’d also just met* Wait, so you mean he didn’t have a penis? How does that work?
What I said: Um, well a penis doesn’t have to be involved for two people to have sex. [Something vague about him looking and acting like a guy but his anatomy not matching up]
What I should have said: That’s none of your business. How would you feel if I asked you what your girlfriend’s vagina looks like, or asked you how you have sex with her in front of all these people?
I didn’t realize the mistake of my response until afterwards, when something about the interaction struck me as oddly wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. It wasn’t until I read this post about invasive questions that I understood. At the time, I justified what happened by thinking that I knew my trans partners were pretty open about themselves and their experiences, and that it would be better for me to answer and have those people know what was up, instead of walking around being ignorant. I also didn’t want to look like I was too ashamed or afraid to answer, when I’m not ashamed at all of people knowing that I am queer and I have slept with trans people. People have shamed me for sleeping with transfolk before, and I think them doing that is idiotic. In any case, none of those reasons excuses the fact that a perfect stranger was asking about private information, and I didn’t recognize that as offensive, and answered. Even if my partners are open with their information, I can’t make the decision, on their behalf, to give that information to someone they don’t even know. Even though I am not trans myself, I want very much to support those who are, and help instead of hurt :/ I’ll just have to make sure not to make the same slip-up in future.
—
In short: I really should speak up more often than I do. I like to think that I am, and that I’m changing for the better.
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It’s hard to know what to say in the moment. Peer pressure is a lot to be reckoned with and I wouldn’t beat yourself up for not saying the exact right thing *all the time*. But I think it’s really admirable that it’s something you’ve thought about and are striving to speak up more, it’s something that I need to learn to do as well.
yeah. i’m not exactly beating myself up for it (i do beat myself up a lot, though), but i do want to express my opinions and my dissent more often, both for myself and for the people i’m speaking up for
thanks
Hi, I followed the track back from the questioning transphobia post you linked.
I think it’s really cool that you are considering the way you talk about other people and esp talk to other people about trans people and the invasive questions, but i’m not really following your “female-bodied” reference. I know you didn’t ask this, but it’s important to realize such language can be triggering to a someone like myself, a trans male person just innocently following a link. while i understand some trans men use that terminology and are fine with it (and that’s clearly their choice), language like that implies there is a “real” sex, and it’s entirely body-based, and often fixed to genital status.
thanks for the comment. i apologize if the language i used was inaccurate, and if it made you feel negatively in any way. i didn’t intend to say that even though his gender identity was male, he was “really” female because of his body. granted, i’ve never heard anyone use the term “female-bodied”, it’s something i started using myself for lack of knowledge of a better one, so i should have anticipated that it was somehow inaccurate. if you don’t mind, i’d appreciate it if you could let me know a better way of describing someone like my friend: who is a man but was female-at-birth/does not have the anatomy one would typically expect a man to have.