1. Mercury
   May 10th, 2010 - 01:20

   I’ve been feeling deeply lonely as well these days and I don’t think I can attribute all of it to the new birth control that I’m on. Acquaintance relationships ultimately wind up feeling very unfulfilling to me and I’ve definitely cut back on how much I engage in them. At one point before this, they felt draining like I was bleeding out slowly because of how much I was giving to others (and not getting enough back). I’m not in that place right now but I don’t feel that I am getting as much as I need.

   I don’t, however, have this guilt of unloading on people; rather, I’m not quite sure how to do it. I’ve thought deeply about how the person I am seems very open but (at least in my mind) isn’t. I never feel the uncomfortableness that comes with truly being open with a person. I never really have those doubts but I have no clue how to get to the place that so many people can find so easily. It seems unfortunate to me instead of an asset. I guess I should also say that: I can handle it and I don’t want you to ever have that fear of being a burden with me. I don’t offer myself if I don’t sincerely want to give.

   As for the intimacy that comes with BDSM, I’ve gotten my fair share of it from the limited amount of experience I’ve had and it’s given me a lot of clarity. I don’t want to engage in this with anyone who hasn’t sat in their head for hours or without knowing EXACTLY what I’M getting in to. You can’t easily pull yourself out of emotions of that depth and I have been stuck in that muck before.

   I guess I’ll just close with: you know where to find me if you ever need me and please don’t ever hesitate if you do.

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   • Wilhelmina Wang
     May 12th, 2010 - 09:30

     right. it’s probably better for you to step back from that right now then. i’ve never found acquaintance relationships or casual hanging out / chatting particularly satisfying, until now. before, the whole socializing thing was way too stressful and anxiety-inducing for me to really enjoy, but now that i’ve gotten over most of that i’m starting to find that it can be pretty nice to have a good conversation with someone, even if it’s not going to lead to a serious friendship, and to enjoy someone’s company without all the seriousness and weight that comes from a deep friendship.

     hm. what do you think is blocking you from doing that?

     i really appreciate knowing that you’re there for me, though. you’re one of the people on campus who i feel like i can be much more “myself” with, compared to most, and it’s really nice.

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2. Amy
   May 10th, 2010 - 01:52

   I think that’s what everyone wants, really. Not even just in romantic relationships but in life – to be with someone without thinking that they want to be somewhere else, or with someone else. I hate that, and I’m trying to see less of the people that make me feel like that.

   I hope that you find what you’re looking for, it might be easier than you think

   xxxx
   Amy´s last blog ..Phone Sex (again…)

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3. Persepone
   May 10th, 2010 - 07:53

   I know the feeling. I used to desperately, desperately want to know people – intimately, totally. The tradeoff, though, is that doing that takes so very much time that you stop having those in-between friendships. The ones that you can call up and just be with, without it meaning much, just enjoying each other’s company without expectations of some shrouded “future.” I’m working on building some of those relationships, getting to have a few people that can just be there and distract me when the inside of my head is scary.

   But I value much more than those the extremely intimate relationships I have. C and I have been together so long that we don’t even have to be people to each other – I know it sounds kind of odd, but it’s nice to have someone who’s just a piece of the scenery, a staple in my life. He’s there, being him, always, and it’s nice. He’s the warm winter coat that feels the same every year, the blanket on your bed that has the hole in it that you can always find. I know what he will do and say in any given situation, and I put up none of this “social graces” BS that I play with other people.

   I also have to say that unloading on people is not a burden. I, for one, actually like to have people trust me like that. I like getting to know them, and that means knowing the bad with the good. I don’t have any problem telling anyone my deepdarks, and sure, it confuses or mildly upsets some people, but the people I end up being closest with are the people who are least bothered by knowing me and all I’m about. I guess maybe it’s that I’m not a particularly layered person – all of me is on the surface and I hide nothing.

   Anyways. Chin up. You’ll get where you’re going.

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   • Wilhelmina Wang
     May 12th, 2010 - 09:35

     very true. i’ve never been able to have more than 1-3 of those kind of connections at a time, but that’s fine. it’s much too taxing otherwise. and i’ve recently come to appreciate those kind of friendships (see my comment to mercury…)

     i used to have that, and i miss it now. i’ve never consistently had that here; i’ve had it for a few months, maybe a year at a time, with different people coming and going. i guess i’m glad that i found it at all. i’m also coming to realize that i can’t really depend on ever getting that from anyone… rather than expecting it or wanting it as a staple, i should just be happy and appreciate it when i get it.

     thanks

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