Stop with the fucking victim-blaming already.

I’m not typically one to respond to other blog posts, or share my opinion on social issues here. However, a certain post just makes me too angry to not say anything; and, I suppose, unfortunately was written at the same time that I’ve been experiencing frustrations surrounding this issue in my daily life:

If your body is being groped, used, assaulted, grabbed, handled or otherwise touched without your permission [...] it would seem that you are doing something to provoke it. [...] The average person doesn’t get touched on a daily basis [...] No woman deserves to be treated like a whore, however is she happens to be wearing the uniform….

This post was written in response to Britni, who wrote about her upsetting harassment at a bar, where she was humped and almost penetrated without her consent. What shocks me is that the response I quoted is on a blog that is written by a woman, and someone who I perceived as sex-positive, until now. She didn’t write the post herself, but put it on her site so I assume she agrees with the overall sentiment enough to post it, which is just as ridiculous.

I’ve refrained from writing about rape culture and victim-blaming because I feel that everything worth saying has already been said, and there’s little that I can add to the conversation. However, it blows my mind that so many people just aren’t getting it: the rapist/harasser is the cause of the rape/harassment. The victim may have made some bad decisions, but that didn’t cause the violation, and it was not the victim’s fault. The only person who caused it to happen, and who should be blamed for it, is the violator.

Why is that so difficult to understand?

So many of the posts and comments I’ve read about this issue have just been assertive re-iterations of the same message due to, it seems like, the large amount of schmucks out there who aren’t willing to open up their minds and attempt to comprehend what is being communicated to them.

A few days ago, a man groped my ass in the middle of the street. I was going home, drunk and alone, from a party at 2 a.m. Thinking back, I shouldn’t have gone home alone. I shouldn’t have gone home that late. Those actions were contrary to my own common sense, and to what any friend or family member has ever advised me. But that hardly matters. What matters is some guy came up to ask me the time, actually blocked my path when I tried to avoid him, and then grabbed me. I didn’t notice him as I walked up to him, but when he came to speak to me I realized he had been loitering in the shadows next to one of the buildings, and had probably waiting for someone to walk past him so he could do that.

On the other hand, I was wearing a sundress – nothing that showed a lot of thigh or cleavage – and still had good motor coordination so didn’t look obviously drunk. I was walking the mere three blocks from the subway to my apartment. And both of my (female) roommates had assured me that the neighborhood was safe and that they had both walked back late at night with no trouble. While I’ve just moved to the area, they have been living here for a year already.

I think that anecdote makes it obvious that none of the details of the event really mattered. I just had the bad luck to run into that guy.

I don’t even know why I’m bothering to address the claim that victims might be to blame. Really I shouldn’t even be dignifying it with a response, but it’s clear that some people need some kind of counter-evidence.

I was talking to the Inventor about this, and he compared victim-blaming in rapes and assaults to victim-blaming in traffic accidents. Someone died in a car crash? Shit, they must have been driving too fast. They probably weren’t careful enough. That couldn’t happen to me. Basically: people blame the victim because it gives them the illusion that they can somehow control what happens to them. If they’re careful enough, they won’t get raped or involved in a traffic accident.

Well, you know what? It’s a scary thought, but it could happen to you. Nothing you do will change that. If you happen to run into a horny asshole who doesn’t give a shit about other peoples’ feelings and personal space, and if you don’t have the ability to defend yourself, it might happen to you.*

The bottom line is that it’s pointless to point at the victim and somehow try to make them to blame. They aren’t. The victim did not cause the violator to violate them. The violator chose to do what they did, and they should face the consequences and take responsibility for their actions. I have no fucking idea why so many people think that they deserve pity, coddling, and enabling. They don’t.

* Note: Not to say that I believe you should engage in risky behavior just for the hell of it. If you know a certain area is dangerous, it’s probably a good idea to avoid it. What I’m trying to say is that even if you take precautions, that doesn’t mean you’re 100% immune to danger.

Further Reading:

- Rape Prevention Tips and Victim Blaming

- It is not your fault

- Stop Street Harassment

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