I know that I’m poly, to some level.
I call myself “theoretically polyamorous,” as in, I know that I’m capable of being being attracted to or in love with multiple people at once, but I don’t put it into practice in my life, i.e. in a practical sense, I am monogamous.
There are many reasons for this. When I think about how I act when I’m dating someone, it takes enough time and energy to just do that with one person that I can’t imagine putting equal time and attention on even more people. Also, contradictorily, I can be quite jealous and possessive. I need the person I’m with to be very focused on me and for me to be “#1″ in their romantic life. I know polyamorous people have to deal with jealousy, as well, but I don’t even want to explore poly as an option because I’m afraid that the negative results will end up largely outweighing the positive.
Recently, I started becoming attracted to another guy here. I thought about talking to L about opening up our relationship – not even so we could date other people, but just to engage in casual sexual relationships – but I felt uncomfortable with even that. I know L would be up for it because he doesn’t want to “restrict who I am” – but I don’t want him to do it for that reason, I want it to be something he is interested in doing as well. I also know that if he did something with another person I might end up panicking over it, and I don’t think it would be fair for one of us to be doing things with other people but not the other. I’d need to deal with my jealous feelings first, or find a better way of coping, for an open relationship to even be an option.
L knows about all this, and basically told me he didn’t care that I felt attracted to someone else; that it was normal. He was more bothered by my mentally beating myself up over the attraction than the attraction itself.
Anyway, what ended up happening was that for a while I treated the guy with a combination of wanting-to-get-to-know-you friendliness, antagonism, and trying very hard to not take any notice of him at all. Eventually I decided it would be better for me to spare the poor man my nonsense, and cease all contact with him except brief, cordial greetings when I ran into him.
Besides the thing with this guy, there have been other perplexing things that have happened; my feeling desire due to seeing some people engage in rope play – people I wasn’t even attracted to usually (perhaps that just means I have a real fetish for rope play); and, with a handful of people I know, not wanting to date them, have sex with them, or engage in any other sort of sexual activity with them, but wanting to form a very strong emotional bond with them (perhaps that’s just close friendship and I’m misinterpreting it as something else).
Maybe if I could just find words that describe these things, it would be enough of a solution.
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