As a preface, I just want to say that I expect you to realize that, obviously, I’m not trying to say that (promiscuous) sex is inherently “bad.” You can have sex for good reasons and bad reasons; you can have sex safely, or you can do it in ways that hurt yourself and others. I also want to say that this post isn’t meant as a guide of sorts – though if you do come away with some new insights, then great. Basically, though, it’s exactly what the title indicates it is. You guys probably have lists of your own. Or maybe you don’t have a list at all!
If this blog is “about” anything (besides sexuality, that is), it’s about my vulnerabilities. I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex.
- Because I was in love with the other person. – And I either thought sex would help make them fall in love with me (worst idea ever)1, or that it would help forge a romantic relationship (sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t) or because the other person didn’t love me back, but I wanted to get as close to them as possible. And if a close friendship + fuck buddies was “as close as I could get”, well…
- Because I wanted to become friends with someone, or because I thought they were interesting and I wanted to get to know them better. – This has actually worked a few times, I’m became friends with a handful of my friends after hooking up with them first. At one point, I was more confident with flirting and with my sexuality than I was with simply approaching someone and trying to strike up a conversation with them. Sex came to me more easily so I… used it as an “icebreaker”.2 Not to say that I wasn’t attracted to those people – I was, in a way – but I probably would have preferred keeping things platonic. I don’t think my social skills have really improved all that much, but I am at least making a conscious effort to not shove things into a sexual context just because it’s the easiest thing to do.
- Because I liked that people knew me as “that freaky sexual guru who slept with everyone.” - This was only true at my fraternity. Until that point in my life I had only ever been known as “that creepy, awkward girl who doesn’t talk to anyone” or “that nerdy pushover who will help me with my homework if I annoy her enough.” Being known as “that promiscuous kinkster” was… a nice change of pace. Through osmosis, I sort of subconsciously believed that having a lot of sex is “cool” – at least cooler than being a big ol’ nerd – which I consciously think is just silly, because no type of sexual behavior makes you “better” or “cooler”, it’s simply a matter of preference. Eventually, being known for being promiscuous/sexual was just as irritating as being known for the other two things. All three of them are true – they are parts of who I am – but considered by themselves, they are all incredibly one-dimensional. It’s like people saw me as a parody or a caricature of myself.
- Because I missed one of my other lovers. - This happened a couple of times – the first time, I was fucking person X but thinking about person Y and missed them so much that I burst into tears, and then hurriedly left. Obviously, person X was very worried about me the next day. The second time, I was fucking person X but imagining person Y in their place and felt so guilty about it that I – that’s right – left. Do I even need to explain why this was terribly unfair to everyone involved?
- Because I was lonely. - I think everyone has done this at some point.
- Because I was horny and the other person was “just there.” - See above.
- Because I was attracted to person X, but person X would only have sex with me as a two-for-one deal with person Y. - This only happened to me once, with two guy friends who I was on a foreign trip with. I was horribly attracted to person X, but was not attracted to person Y, like… at all. But they only seemed interested in having sex with me if they could sandwich me. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t unpleasant per se, just… strange.
- Because I was feeling insecure and needed a self-esteem boost; I needed to feel “valuable.” - The control; knowing that someone’s attention is riveted on you at least for a few minutes… However, after it’s over I was more or less back to square one, and it didn’t solve the underlying problem that I, well, had low self-esteem. Seeking validation through sex… just… no.
- Because I couldn’t be bothered to say that I wasn’t really all that into it.
- Because I thought that once I started touching the other person’s genitals, I had entered into some sort of binding contract that meant I had to then have oral/penetrative sex with them. - I have no idea why I thought this for so long. I was never even coerced/persuaded by any of my partners, I just… believed it. It seems so ridiculous now. As to how/why I realized that it wasn’t true – I have no idea about that, either. It just hit me one day – while I was making out with someone and knowing that I didn’t want to do anything besides just make out – that wow, I don’t actually have to do anything that I don’t really feel like doing!
- I say this because you can’t “make” anyone fall in love with you – either they will or they won’t. The most you can do is spend time with them and then let them know you’re interested. The focus isn’t on the sex itself, here, I think trying to make someone fall in love with you in any way is doomed to fail. It’s also kind of disrespectful, to say the least. [↩]
- While typing this I’m aware of how messed up that sounds but… well, it’s the truth. [↩]
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23 Responses to 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway
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Because I was horny and the other person was “just there.”
and
Because I wanted to become friends with someone, or because I thought they were interesting and I wanted to get to know them better.
both seems like pretty valid reasons to have sex to me.
mmhm; like i said this is more a list specific to me, so i don’t expect people to agree with me
i tend to feel crappy after having sex with someone because they’re “there.” as for the second one… essentially i think it’s fine, but i don’t think it’s good for me to use sex instead of, like, developing my social skills.
“Because I was horny and the other person was ‘just there.’”
I think, since I tend to hook up only at kink events, BDSM classes, or play parties, the “we were both there at the same time” works okay for me. This isn’t universal, but I think the fact that we’re both there because we like to have sex, plus the fact that we probably don’t live anywhere near each other, makes the limits of what we’re doing clearer than “we were both horny and in the same dorm room” or “we were both lonely in a coffee shop”.
oh, yeah, meeting up at a BDSM event & discovering mutual interests would be something i’d be fine with true… i meant more the latter two you mentioned
yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Frankly it’s nice to see others acknowledge that we fall into these mindsets and even sex positive smart people are vulnerable to this stuff too.
I really relate to your first reason and your last reason.
I had sex with someone for so long because I just wanted to be close to him. I was in love with him and I was willing to take any attention he would give me, any alone time I could get. And I only got either of those things while we were fucking. I held out hope that if I just slept with him long enough, he would eventually change his mind. He never did, and I ended up getting my heart broken over and over and over and over.
And that last one I still find myself falling victim to, but not as often as I used to. I feel like, as women, we’re taught that once we get to that place, we HAVE to “go all the way.” Because we’re a tease otherwise. Or the guy will get mad. Or force himself on me, because well duh, what did I think he expected once we’d gotten naked?
Great post.
Because I liked that people knew me as “that freaky sexual guru who slept with everyone”
Because I was horny and the other person was “just there.”
The stories of my life.
I think a LOT of people can relate to a good number of your reasons. I know I’m “guilty” of a few of them.
One that I could add: “We’d had such a great sexual connection in text/email/chat that once we met for the purpose of actualizing those steamy conversations, I felt obligated to see it through”. Or “Because we were both sex bloggers and isn’t that what we do?”
[...] 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway – I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex. [...]
[...] 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway – I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex. [...]
[...] 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway – I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex. [...]
[...] 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway – I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex. [...]
[...] my cock, but holy baby Jeebus, sinking into her is so fucking hot that I groan right along with her.10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway – I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant [...]
Oh I have done a few of these and I suspect most people have but as for number 6…..seems like a good reason to me!
Mollyxxx
Ahh….hilarious but awful! That about sums up 60% of the sex I have ever had. Every reason rings true. Once I felt so bound by my obligation to go throught with it that I told the guy whose bed I was sprawled across I had an STD so he wouldn’t want to have sex. It worked, but… don’t have a clue why I just didn’t say “sorry I don’t want to fuck you I changed my mind”
[...] 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway – I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex. [...]
[...] 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway – I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex. [...]
[...] my cock, but holy baby Jeebus, sinking into her is so fucking hot that I groan right along with her.10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway – I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant [...]
[...] 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway – I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex. [...]
Your last sentence says it all: “wow, I don’t actually have to do anything that I don’t really feel like doing!” There’s only one reason to have sex: because you want to. And there’s no reason to feel guilty if, in another situation with the same person, you don’t want to.
Thank you for this.
This blog sums up 99% of the sexual encounters I’ve had which is quite sad considering they are the unpleasant reasons. I don’t regret any of the sex I’ve had as it was fun and its a fundamental part of life but the reasons I’ve had sex have never been particularly wise. Sometimes it’s mainly just because they are there and happen to have spoken to me when I was quite drunk which I hope to change in future as I fear my self esteem will one day crumble. Writing that down does cut quite close to the bone but I might as well be honest rather than deluding myself that I’m living a completely happy fufilled sexual life.
Thank you for writing this blog it makes me far less alone in my sexual motivations, I could really empathise
[...] 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have had sex, but did anyway – I’ve written extensively about happy-sex; so now here are some of the more unpleasant reasons why I’ve had sex. [...]