[Photo via renewleeds]

I'm in a bit of a pickle.

I don't like having to whine and beg for money, help... anything, really. Especially on a blog where people come here to enjoy my writing. However, I've gotten to the point where I'm willing to try anything, so I'm pulling out all the stops.

If you follow me on Twitter, you've probably read me whining about my current visa/job situation. To summarize: I'm a UK citizen, and have been living in the US for four years, as I was attending college here on a student visa. I just graduated from said college, and I'm currently completing an internship that lasts until the beginning of September. Basically, I need to get a "real" job by then. "Real" as in non-temporary, and requiring higher education, i.e. nothing menial like being a dishwasher or waitress, though I'd be perfectly willing to do something like that to get by, if I were allowed to. I also need to get hired by a company that's willing to shell out a couple of thousand dollars to sponsor my work visa. If I get a job, hence the visa, after October 2010, the visa doesn't go into effect until Oct 2011. Which means I'll be forced to leave the country for a year. (Although, my current visa, which is student-work-experience, is good until December, provided I'm interning or volunteering somewhere.)

I probably don't need to state that, because of all this, I'm under quite a large amount of pressure.

In many ways, I feel like the US is my home now. My friends are here. I believe that there is more freedom here, compared to my hometown (Hong Kong), for me to do what I want to do, i.e. pursue artistic expression and find communities to support me in that, to be queer and sex-positive and kinky and involved in causes that are important to me... Hell, a few weeks in New York resulted in more new acquaintances and social opportunities than months in Hong Kong. And the clincher: I'd have to be away from L for a year, and we'd only be able to see each other after months at a time, if that. Being forced to leave all the other stuff? That would be upsetting and saddening, but having to leave L would be... gut-wrenching.

So what I'm asking is for... anything you might have that would help. If you know of any resources regarding companies that often hire internationals, or any companies that are hiring in general, or any words of advice on how I could deal with this... If you need to know more: my background is in English, publications & writing, and clearly I have some knowledge of web-stuff. I'd prefer to be in Communications and to stay in the North East, but really don't care what field I end up in or what area I end up in at this point.

Thank you all so much.

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I'm also immensely excited and happy, but that doesn't mean I can't be scared as well, right?

L & I have explored so many things together - in every respect, but I'm focusing on sexuality, here - and the more we explore, the more I feel as if a certain momentum is building. Also, it seems the further we go, the more likely a D/s aspect is going to come into play. L is in no way or form a submissive, and neither am I with him, not all the time. And in terms of our personalities and our relationship, there isn't a clear person who is "in charge." I quite like it that way. Nevertheless, sooner or later, in the bedroom, I'm going to end up bossing him around.

Upon pondering his visit, I find possibilities & imaginings flitting through my mind, hence a sneaking insistence that I can't not try them now that I know that I can. I mean, presumably. It's much easier to simply fantasize about things without attempting to enact them. Without becoming a reality, they're infinitely filmreel pristine perfect. Also, being the one who wants to do nasty things to the other, well, not to state the obvious, but you kind of have to be the one to come up with the plan. I have a good idea of what he likes; of what he wants me to do with him. But even so, I'm preoccupied with silly little grievances like: I don't have a cane, where can I get a cheap cane? And will that particular one work? I want to bend him over the end of the bed and tie his ankles to the bed's feet, but my bed is lame and doesn't have feet, it only has wheels located closer to the center, how will I get around that? And, most importantly: what if he ends up not liking what I'm doing? What if I fuck up?

Being a switch (and yes I've finally decided to claim switch) can be really irritating. I know that he wants me to hurt him, that he wants me to control him... That he's taken audio files of himself jacking off because he wants me to listen to him & know what thinking about me does to him. I know all this. But I still haven't quite managed to tap into that raw energy that I know is there; to tap into the desire to see him marked up and prone and open and willing to do whatever (within reason) I tell him to. My conflicting desire to have him do those things to me sometimes interferes. See: my last post. He's not the kind of person to lay there and take whatever I dish out; he reacts, he grabs me, makes me hurt. And instead of fighting, like half of me wants to, I typically give in to what the other half wants, which is... to give in.

The thought "maybe I'm not really dominant" enters my mind, even though I know that that's just silly. There is no right way to do something... as much as I know that, I'm intuitively inclined to think that there is, and that I'm not fitting it.

Even though I'm worrying about this, I know at the end of everything, I'll simply listen to me and to him and to what we want; and that even if my plans don't work out, we'll have copious amounts of rough sex anyway and it will all be fine and dandy.

Edit: As always, after writing about something that preoccupied me, I find that I'm not thinking about it as much and not even sure why I was so worried about it in the first place. Ah, the therapeutic powers of writing.

Edit again: After the initial psychological nail-biting... exercising my creativity on this is quite... satisfying and amusing. I was envisioning possible things I could do with my room, and with items I could easily get from pharmacies and hardware stores and laying out situations in my head. Weighing what action would cause what effect. It was like composing an outfit or a writing piece, only better.

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I return to my spot behind him, lubing up my fingers and pressing one into his ass, then two, using my other hand to squeeze and pinch his hip. He is making the most wonderful, breathy noises, jerking forwards slightly every time my fingers move inside him, searching, feeling the plush press of warm flesh. His entire body quakes. I am kneeling between his spread legs. One of his hands inches towards my left knee, he finds and squeezes the flesh just above the joint, squeezes every time I push in, hard enough to make me gasp. Every pump of my fingers equals one jolt of pain for me. He has told me that being penetrated is intense, so intense that he has to hold my body in his hands, take handfuls of me and crush me as hard as he can.

Eventually I lube up the plug and slide it in. I ask him to turn over, and he maneuvers himself so that he's on his back. His skin is pale and his lips, nipples and cock are a soft pink. I suck on his cock for a moment before rolling on a condom and unfastening the cuffs so that his hands are free. He doesn't miss a beat. His hands find my hips as I slide him into me, both of us gasping.

I want to fuck him quickly and erratically, like two teenagers in the back of a car whose orgasms are clumsily reached, and over way too suddenly. I want to move on his cock until I come, but he's making me go slow, tantalizingly, letting himself be very nearly engulfed before distancing himself again. He is subtle in all the ways that I am crude.

Sometimes, while I'm above him and making him feel, he does things that completely derail me and make me want to go limp. Things like: put his hand on my neck, bite me, push his fingernails into my skin. He does this now: he digs his fingers into my waist, and pulls me down hard on his cock before lifting me up again. I feel my face contorting into this strange combination of wincing, being about to cry, and desperation. It hurts. It hurts and I feel controlled and the two sensations transform into pleasure almost instantaneously. A switch goes off in my head. Just a while ago he was restrained and I was in control, but it takes only one gesture to make me need him to control me, instead.

We switch positions so that I'm on my back. He tells me to spread my legs, and I hold them open for him. He enters me again, fucking me slowly and exquisitely. I want to watch his face, but at the moment I need to keep my eyes closed. The feeling of being possessed and fucked is too much. I need to focus fully on the tactile and let it sink in.

"I want you to imagine," he says, "that there's a person standing to your right, watching us. Every so often I want you to imagine yourself catching his eye."

As he thrusts into me, I do: "I'm thinking of them touching themselves..."

"Yes; getting so turned on by watching us..."

The person watching is dark and has serious eyes. I sigh and let my head roll back, and I let myself fall into that comfortable space deep in my mind that rocks and lulls me into a calm containment. The space that he has taken me to. I want to ask him to slap me, but I'm losing my ability to speak. All I can do is feel him fuck me, feel him close his fingers around my throat. All I can do is savor.

"I want you to look at me when I come," he says.

I open my eyes. He's fucking me harder, now, more earnestly. As the urgency of his actions builds, then releases, I feel him tense as it rolls over him, his eyes wide almost in shock. His cock twitches in my cunt.

For the next ten minutes after he pulls out of me, I lay there. I want to open my eyes. I can feel him hovering over me, watching my face and the pulse in my jugular that's fluttering like a bird. I want to see him, speak to him, but all I can do is lay limply, sprawled out and utterly useless. I understand why they call it flying. I am soaring. I am no longer a person, but a rag doll, a thing that does not speak or move or take, but is used purely for the sake of my loved one's pleasure.

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As with all Lelo toys, Bob is presented beautifully, and comes with a satin drawstring bag and one-year warranty. It's also made of the smooth, hard silicone that is typical of Lelo.

Due to Bob's small size, I was able to slide it in very easily, and then... I could barely feel anything. I could feel it when I clenched around it. It felt very thin and unsubstantial. I don't even use large plugs regularly; my go-to plug is the njoy pure plug medium. While a beginner couldn't take the pure plug without using something smaller for a while first, it definitely isn't size-queen material either. Bob is very comfortable, definitely, but part of the point of wearing a plug, for me, is feeling it, if only a little bit.

On the other hand, there was a part of Bob I definitely could feel, lodged between my cheeks: the handle. I've read some reviews that criticized Bob's potentially unsafe base, and though I could definitely feel it, it also didn't seem enough to prevent the entire toy potentially slipping into my ass, especially when I was sitting down. I was paranoid about the Bob being pushed in somehow, since the handle is round rather than phlanged and it seems like it could be pushed in with a little force, especially if you've used larger objects in your ass.

Bob, while usable by people of any gender, is essentially designed for people with a prostate, and I was fortunate enough to try it on L. He had it in while we 69ed, and here the handle was a plus. I very much enjoyed putting my finger through the loop and pulling it in and out slightly while I blew him. Afterwards, he told me that he could also feel the handle very obviously, and that the plug felt more noticeable in his butt (than, say, the Bootie), probably due to the plug's length. He didn't see himself wearing it for long periods of time, but definitely liked fucking me with it in.

As for cleaning: Bob is made of silicone, which is body-safe and non-porous, and can be shared after being sterilized. To sterilize the plug, you can wash it with 10% bleach solution, put it in the top shelf of the dishwasher with no soap, or boil it for at least 5 minutes. Also, silicone toys are not compatible with silicone lubes.

So, my verdict? Bob, while quite the looker, was just not for me, although I can see plenty of people, most probably anal beginners, enjoying it.

Specs:
- Type: Anal Plug
- Material: Silicone
- Length: 3.75"
- Width: 1.25"
- Colors: Bordeaux / Deep Blue
- Price @ Vibrator.com: $45

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L: So I'm a cheap slut?

Wil: You're my cheap slut!

L: [laughs] I'd totally put that on a T-shirt and wear it. "Wilhelmina's cheap slut."

Wil: Next time we're at Zeta Mu I should just write it on your chest and you can walk around shirtless.

Later...

L: What do you want for dinner?

Wil: I'm fine with leftovers. Since I'm, you know, a classless ho and stuff.

L: [laughs] I love that you just said that. Hey, you should put that on a shirt. Then we can match!

---

...yeah, I like to think of us as a subversive version of that disgustingly cute couple you wish wasn't in your line of sight on the subway.

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If your body is being groped, used, assaulted, grabbed, handled or otherwise touched without your permission [...] it would seem that you are doing something to provoke it. [...] The average person doesn’t get touched on a daily basis [...] No woman deserves to be treated like a whore, however is she happens to be wearing the uniform….

This post was written in response to Britni, who wrote about her upsetting harassment at a bar, where she was humped and almost penetrated without her consent. What shocks me is that the response I quoted is on a blog that is written by a woman, and someone who I perceived as sex-positive, until now. She didn't write the post herself, but put it on her site so I assume she agrees with the overall sentiment enough to post it, which is just as ridiculous.

I've refrained from writing about rape culture and victim-blaming because I feel that everything worth saying has already been said, and there's little that I can add to the conversation. However, it blows my mind that so many people just aren't getting it: the rapist/harasser is the cause of the rape/harassment. The victim may have made some bad decisions, but that didn't cause the violation, and it was not the victim's fault. The only person who caused it to happen, and who should be blamed for it, is the violator.

Why is that so difficult to understand?

So many of the posts and comments I've read about this issue have just been assertive re-iterations of the same message due to, it seems like, the large amount of schmucks out there who aren't willing to open up their minds and attempt to comprehend what is being communicated to them.

A few days ago, a man groped my ass in the middle of the street. I was going home, drunk and alone, from a party at 2 a.m. Thinking back, I shouldn't have gone home alone. I shouldn't have gone home that late. Those actions were contrary to my own common sense, and to what any friend or family member has ever advised me. But that hardly matters. What matters is some guy came up to ask me the time, actually blocked my path when I tried to avoid him, and then grabbed me. I didn't notice him as I walked up to him, but when he came to speak to me I realized he had been loitering in the shadows next to one of the buildings, and had probably waiting for someone to walk past him so he could do that.

On the other hand, I was wearing a sundress - nothing that showed a lot of thigh or cleavage - and still had good motor coordination so didn't look obviously drunk. I was walking the mere three blocks from the subway to my apartment. And both of my (female) roommates had assured me that the neighborhood was safe and that they had both walked back late at night with no trouble. While I've just moved to the area, they have been living here for a year already.

I think that anecdote makes it obvious that none of the details of the event really mattered. I just had the bad luck to run into that guy.

I don't even know why I'm bothering to address the claim that victims might be to blame. Really I shouldn't even be dignifying it with a response, but it's clear that some people need some kind of counter-evidence.

I was talking to the Inventor about this, and he compared victim-blaming in rapes and assaults to victim-blaming in traffic accidents. Someone died in a car crash? Shit, they must have been driving too fast. They probably weren't careful enough. That couldn't happen to me. Basically: people blame the victim because it gives them the illusion that they can somehow control what happens to them. If they're careful enough, they won't get raped or involved in a traffic accident.

Well, you know what? It's a scary thought, but it could happen to you. Nothing you do will change that. If you happen to run into a horny asshole who doesn't give a shit about other peoples' feelings and personal space, and if you don't have the ability to defend yourself, it might happen to you.*

The bottom line is that it's pointless to point at the victim and somehow try to make them to blame. They aren't. The victim did not cause the violator to violate them. The violator chose to do what they did, and they should face the consequences and take responsibility for their actions. I have no fucking idea why so many people think that they deserve pity, coddling, and enabling. They don't.

* Note: Not to say that I believe you should engage in risky behavior just for the hell of it. If you know a certain area is dangerous, it's probably a good idea to avoid it. What I'm trying to say is that even if you take precautions, that doesn't mean you're 100% immune to danger.

Further Reading:

- Rape Prevention Tips and Victim Blaming

- It is not your fault

- Stop Street Harassment

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[via hckyso]

Yeah, I kind of disappeared the last three weeks or so, pretty conspicuously. Quite a bit has been going on in my life lately, to say the least, and I don't think I'll be blogging or writing reviews until things have settled down a bit:

- I just officially graduated two weeks ago! As opposed to being done with classes/requirements, but not having "walked" or received my diploma. My mother came up to visit me. It was her first time in the US or at my college. It was very interesting, and went better than I anticipated. The ceremony was... bemusing, and kind of boring, but I guess I feel glad that I experienced it.

- I moved to New York City soon after. I got a paid summer internship, and luckily one of Girl's roommates was moving out, so I moved in with her. I'm hoping to find a more permanent job so I can stay in the US / in New York longer than just the summer.

- I'm currently visiting my friends the Emperor & the Wanderer in Chicago, which has been lovely but also a little charged. I hadn't seen them in more than a year.

- About a month ago, at Zeta Mu, I met a guy who I will refer to as L. I can honestly say it was like at first sight, as unlikely and cheesy as that sounds. I had abandoned hope of anything happening between us because he was kind of seeing someone else at the time, but after we had hung out quite a bit, he decided to stop seeing her in favor of trying to pursue something with me. I had toyed with the idea of trying to "compete" for him, but ditched the idea pretty quickly, and was fully ready to just be friends. I'm happy that I did that, because now I know that he chose to do what he did because he wanted to and not because I indirectly pressured him into it. It was a difficult and sucky situation for him to have to break things off with her, and I... feel a little bad for my role in that, but then again it sounded like things with them weren't going anywhere in the first place. The only catch? He's a rising senior and I just graduated. Yeah. We decided to do the long distance thing, though, which so far is working out well. We text and talk frequently and he's already coming to visit me this week.

So... a lot has happened! I haven't even had time to fully move in yet and clean up the apartment. I start my job early July. I suppose once I've moved in I'll get back to yapping about sextoys and such.

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First: specifics. The Restraint System is made up of four 60" nylon straps, a nylon connector strap, and four cuffs. All these straps are adjustable, like backpack straps. The cuffs are made of nylon with neoprene backing and Velcro closures, and are all 15" long. The straps, which you secure the cuffs to, end in O-rings. The cuffs come with O-rings and metal snaps. You could easily wash all of the pieces by hand. I feel like throwing everything in the wash wouldn't be good because of the metal pieces. You can also use different cuffs with the straps, if you wish.

You set up the Restraint System by lifting the mattress, and throwing the system underneath. Then you can adjust the straps to the desired lengths. As you can see vaguely in the picture, the packaging suggests that you either put the straps at the top and bottom of the bed, or have them at the sides of the bed. There are probably many other configurations you can try. I think the straps are all long enough that you could use it with a futon or something. The entire system is so light and easy to put away that I can see it being very easy to travel with - you know, for trysts in hotel rooms and such. The straps are also easy to put away: simply stow them under the mattress once you're done. Instant hiding place.

Me and J set up the system and I had him secure me to it. We ended up positioning the straps at the top and bottom of the bed, which gave me a bit more room to move around (I was able to turn myself onto my side, for example). He tightened the straps until they were taut and I couldn't move at all. I pulled and struggled against the cuffs to no avail. The cuffs, besides being completely secure, were fuzzy and very comfortable as well.

J teasingly told me he was going to leave me there tied up, and then proceeded to use my belly as a tabletop for his notebook. For a while, he wrote down notes, and read certain excerpts to me. J isn't kinky at all, so I didn't slide into subspace entirely. Despite that, I felt the same pleasant, secure, Zen feeling at being restrained by these cuffs, as I did when I was first tied up with rope. After a while, J put his notebook away, started nuzzling and snuggling with me... which clearly lead to other things. He re-secured the straps my ankles were attached to, so that they were on either side of the bed and my legs were spread. Being fucked while restrained? Really liked it. And would definitely repeat it.

The system set up on me and J's bed. Please try to ignore the cardboard-box "nightstand"...

As much as I love this system, and as much as I agree with many of the glowing reviews I've read, I can find some places for improvement. For one thing, the cuffs are all the same size. For some reason, I expect most people have thicker ankles than wrists. Or maybe that's just me? I also have very thin wrists. When the cuffs were secured around my wrists, only an inch or so of Velcro was actually touching. These cuffs are long enough that larger people could wear them comforably; but maybe Sportsheets could similarly consider people with skinny wrists? In any case, I still couldn't pull myself loose from the cuffs, so I suppose the size of the cuffs doesn't actually matter.

Besides that, I would have liked it if the snaps were detachable from the cuffs, so they could be used for other things, though their permanent attachment to the cuffs makes them less easy to lose. I'd also like it if the set came with some sort of pouch unit I could store it in. And, while I couldn't get out of the cuffs by pulling against them, with my hands close together I could reach the adjustment point of the strap and loosen it. I could also easily pull the Velcro. If my hands had been spread-eagled, that wouldn't have been the case, but then the straps could have been designed with the adjustment points at the other ends. Except then I guess the plastic pieces would create a "bump" in the mattress. J didn't see this as a flaw, since it gives the bottom an "out."

In short: I like the Under the Bed Restraint System a lot. It is awesome in its versatility.

Price @ Babeland.com: $55

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I had the same issues with this crop as I did with the other Spartacus crop I reviewed: the Wide Tip Bat:

One thing that bothered me about the tip was that I didn't feel like it was made of pure leather. I've briefly seen and touched an actual riding crop, to be used on horses. The Wide Tip Bat's tip and the "real" riding crop's tip felt very different. The "real" riding crop's tip was much more pliable and somehow softer. The Wide Tip Bat's tip feels... almost artificial, as if it were made of leather and some synthetic material, or a mixture of leather and plastic. When I bend and push it back and forth with my fingers, the material makes a crackling noise. I'm no expert when it comes to leather, and I couldn't find any information on Spartacus's websites stating what the crop is made of exactly, so I don't have any solid facts to go on. I just know I don't like how the material feels in my hands. It feels plasticky, not like leather.

I tweeted about it and the tweeps who responded said: #1 it must be bad quality leather #2 it must be dried out leather, and that I should "treat" it. Either way, the crackly noise does not make me happy.

As I said before, I think I'll hold off on the cheaper BDSM gear options, and wait until I have the cash to shell out for quality pieces.

However, I quite like this crop. Why? Well, regardless of the sub-par quality, it still works really well as a prop. It's black, it's intimidating, and still evokes a sense of I am in charge, and I am going to whip your ass. I'd prefer to have a sub-par crop than, well, no crop. I also like the size of this crop much more than the other one I tried out. It's 18" long, about half as long as the Wide Tip Bat, which is more of a standard crop length, I think. This crop's shortness makes it easier to wield, and also easier to travel with and store, which is a concern to me as I'm not settled in a place/job yet and will be traveling a lot.

Comparison to a paddle and the Wide Tip Bat. The Medium Tip Crop is at the bottom.

I used this crop on myself, at Sir's request. Using it on myself was a bit awkward, and I couldn't really get any hard hits in. I also used it at Zeta Mu's runway show, where my act was to dom someone onstage. Before the show, during meetings, I was in my dom outfit and walking around with the crop, and at one point I asked someone to hold it for me and it got passed all over the room because people were so interested in playing with it. One of my friends kept caressing people with it. During the act itself, I used it to direct my sub, I pushed it lengthways against her throat when she resisted me, and spanked her a few times. I tried it on my calves beforehand, and it does sting quite nicely.

Basically, I'm content with this crop and the usefulness it has as a prop and symbol, at least until I can afford something better.

Price @ Sextoy.com: $24.93

sex toys | BDSM gear

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