Compartments
Before I started dating J, I went "hunting" a lot. Often, I didn't begin the night with that as my intention; it's not like I went out and planned to spend my night looking for someone to bang. That's just what I ended up doing. (Well, along with socializing and drinking and all that other stuff one does at a party.) I noticed as much after I started going out with J, and thus had a consistent sexual partner, and thus didn't need to go looking for people to have sex with anymore. The first week or so after we started going out, I'd be at my frat, or at a party, beginning to scope people out, and then remembering - wait, I don't actually need to do this anymore. I can just hang out with people normally. What a relief!
... Or maybe not a relief. I began thinking a little more about the relationship between my sexuality and how I interact with people. If you're a long time reader, you'll remember my discussing how sex is never "just" sex to me. While I don't always attribute love to it, I do attribute many other things to it; may it be emotional connection, or attention, or a self-esteem boost. Conversely, many things lead me to think of sex; perhaps uncommon things. I must have reached a certain point where sex became just another way of getting to know someone. There have definitely been times where I've been getting to know someone new, socially or at work or anything, and I was enjoying getting to know them, and I'd randomly wonder what it would be like to have sex with them. Just a passing curiosity, you understand, I might not really want to have sex with them or even be attracted to them. I'd just wonder because maybe it would tell me something more about them.
J has remarked before that it sounds like I mix up sex and intimacy a lot, when sometimes they're actually mutually exclusive. Some close friends have also remarked that I mix up friendship and love, or friendship and sex. Friendship, romance, and sex are all kind of blurry to me. I see moving from one to another just like shifting gears, or viewing the same thing through a different lens. They're all the same matter, but just have different forms. I mean, it's not like I think that I could love or want sex with all of my friends. Sometimes the possibility just isn't there. But when it is, moving from one to another isn't really very difficult for me. I never found much of a problem with it. Many people I know have clear boundaries between each thing (friend, fuckbuddy, significant other) but I didn't really ever set those boundaries in place. So what happened was everything just kind of... spilled into each other. And so I ended up having sex with many of my closest friends; having undefined sexual/romantic relationships; hooking up with someone and then becoming friends with them; or breaking up with a boyfriend but continuing to sleep with him for a while after that.
I think that blurry view is changing now.
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Sloth
via Bruno Dayan photography
This is going to be my first personal post in a long while, and it's not about sex or relationships at all, really. This blog seems more and more like it's going to turn into mostly a toy review blog, at least for now... I haven't really felt like writing erotica or about my and J's sex life. Maybe it's because I have someone consistent to share those sectors of myself with, now?
Anyway, I would have just written this in my private journal, but I kind of want to see if anyone who reads this might have something helpful to tell me. I apologize if it's a little long or incoherent.
---
I've been feeling a certain way for about a year or so now, but it's become more pointed recently: I call this feeling deep apathy. Throughout my college career, I've never been a particularly diligent student. However, for the past month or so, I've done hardly any of my readings. I've missed most of class. The last couple of days, I slept 12 hours each night, and didn't get up until about 3pm. I wasn't even tired, I just didn't want to get up. I've often felt like dreams were preferable to a typical, mundane day, but I feel that even more now. This morning, I had a dream about me and my family getting on a plane or a boat or some kind of traveling contraption, and going on a long trip. I dream about my family a lot these days.
Today, I know that I was sleeping because I was specifically avoiding the day. I had to turn in a few pages of fiction to a professor for my independent writing project, and while I had planned to write a page a day until the deadline, I didn't end up doing that so ended up with no pages the night before I had to meet with him. Typically, I would have stayed up until I had gotten something written, but I couldn't bring myself to do even that this time. Academically, I am going through the motions - doing enough to get by, to not get in trouble, but I feel like I've mentally checked out. I think I checked out a long time ago.
Click on the button on the bottom right of this post to continue reading.
My Hero, Save me!
So me and J hit a rough patch a couple of weeks ago. I think everything is alright now, but our talks made me realize something that I thought might be worth sharing here.
One of the things that was bothering J about our relationship was that he felt that he was putting more into it than I was - he was the one who would take the initiative to invite me to things, he'd do nice things for me and listen to me talk about my various inane and not-so-inane problems.
He was right, of course. There were many reasons why that was happening, some due to my own emotional issues which I've worked through to some point since then. However, I've found myself getting into friendships or relationships with men before where the man ended up being some kind of "protector" or security blanket for me. And what I realized that one of the reasons I slipped into that sort of relationship with J was precisely because he is a man.
I imagined how I'd treat my significant other if they happened to be a girl, and interestingly I don't think I would have run into any of the problems I ran into with J, because I wouldn't have been acting that way in the first place. If I were dating a girl, there's no way that I'd let her do all these things for me and wait around for her to take the initiative all the time without doing just as much myself. I'd take much more care to check up on her, do little random things to make her feel happy and try and spoil her as much as I could.
Even though I'm feminist or progressive or queer or whatever I am, I still have a lot of internalized heteronormativity, and I still subscribe to gender-myths. I was acting like the man was supposed to make the first move, be chivalrous, take care of the woman, etc, etc, when really there's no reason to assume that men don't need attention and TLC as much as women do.
Luckily, it seems that all I needed to snap out of that behavior was to talk about it a little bit. I think I'm acting like that less now. In any case, it's interesting that with all my views and intentions, the way I act can sometimes not match up.
Have any of you ever had moments like this?
A Journey
We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."
- Shall We Dance (seriously the only part of the movie that was worth watching)
The point where a relationship transitions into being a serious one is when you ask your significant other, and yourself, if you want to share each others' lives. Like, "hey, do you want to experience my journey with me? Do you want me to experience your journey with you?" You take two wandering paths out of millions and millions in the world and have them become one and the same.
It's been a while since I've shared my life with anyone. I began to think I had lost the capacity to, but I know that that's not true. I guess the question now is: will it work for us to have our paths converge?
A Guiding Hand
Hey, so, Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it) and happy holidays and such. 
I've been spending a lot of time hanging out with family and friends and such and oddly haven't been in the mood for blogging, until now. Being apart for a month can do that to you, I guess.
I'm quite aware that this post is about topping from the bottom. But you can't exactly get a person to start hitting you. You have to start somewhere. I wonder when I'll work up the nerve to ask that first question? We've both very sexual people, but I have a feeling that sex means so many more things to me than it ever will to him.
[via jkrabbit]
Would you like to try pulling my hair?
No, don't pull the tips; everyone does that, and it doesn't feel good. Put your hand here, close to my scalp, and grab a big handful. Feel free to yank; it's okay. Yes, just like that. Hold me against the wall; bite my neck, my shoulders. Can you feel them - my muscles, my pulse - under your teeth? You could be gentle, or bite down hard enough to draw blood - neat, red pinpricks - like this. Don't worry, I'll tell you if it hurts too much.
Hold me up against the wall. Kiss down my body; hold, grab, squeeze my tits; pinch and twist my nipples between your fingers, until I can't keep quiet. My arms are folded behind my back. You didn't ask me to put them there; but it feels right. I'll keep still if you want me to. You're so good to me, so patient with my nonsense; I want to do something for you now; I want to make you feel good. You never ask for much, but that doesn't mean you don't want. I'm learning you more and more as time passes; I notice the hitches in your breathing and the way your voice gets soft and husky with desire, even if the words you say are few.
What would you like me to do for you? Please, tell me. Tell me how you want me. I'll suck your cock, lave you all over with my tongue, soft and slow and not leaving a single part of you untouched. I'll bend over, good and obedient, ass high in the air for you to use; a warm hole for you to come into. I won't move. I won't touch myself. Not unless you want me to. Or you could shove my face into my pillows; hold me down and leisurely touch and tease and explore me until my entire body is thrumming like a wire highly charged with electricity.
We could do all of these things, and more. But, for now, we'll begin with you yanking my hair.
Sharing is Caring; & Working Our Way Up
So far, me and J's relationship is going swimmingly.
I'm very happy with him - he gives me all the important, emotional things that I need, he's an incredibly intelligent and interesting person, he's absolutely lovely in bed, and I am smitten with him. So, really, complaining about what I'm about to complain about is like saying - "oh yeah, I am in perfect health. I feel on top of the world! ...All except for this one insect bite. I wish it would stop itching." It's even barely worth mentioning. In fact, I'd say that I'm not really complaining because I am in no way discontent with the way things are. This is more of an observation, because my mind does tend to wander to the darker, more twisted places, even when I am happy.
Lately, I've been having fantasies of sharing J with another person. Of course, I know that he would never go for that, so these will stay strictly fantasies - but, because I know that he's bisexual (even though he mostly doesn't act on his attractions to men because of his cultural background), I keep thinking about finding some cute gay/bi man, slim and smooth-skinned, bordering on twink, and J going to bed with him and then coming back to me and telling me all about it. And then having hot, raunchy sex. I've also wondered what would happen if J and one of my old lovers and me all slept together - I think of N, in particular, because the last time we slept together he told me how much he was turned on by fucking me while I sucked another guy's cock... and basically implied that he might be interested in exploring sex with another man.
I've wanted my friends-with-benefits to meet each other and perhaps see if they were attracted to each other, before. The way I see it - I think you're super awesome, and I also think that person is super awesome, so I want the two of you to experience each other's awesomeness! I've also really wanted to tell J about my experiences with Sir - not to make him jealous or to imply that I want him to be more like Sir... but just because I really like Sir and I really like what we did together and I want to share that with J. I probably won't tell him in as much detail as I record here, merely because I don't want him to feel insecure, but I think I will talk to him about it eventually.
This is pretty new to me, especially considering I've bitched so much about past lovers who slept around a lot, in addition to sleeping with me. This is different, though; me and J both know that we are at the forefront of each other's minds and hearts, no one else. And notice that in all the examples I've given, I've had some say or involvement in J's being with other people. Or at least am consulted beforehand, or told about it afterwards. So - not the same thing at all, really.
Like I said, I know that J would never go for this, and I don't actually want it enough to try and push the issue. It's an interesting thing to think about, though.
---
One thing that me and J haven't done much of, but I know might be possible, is SM play. As considerate and concerned with pleasing me as he is, I don't get a submissive/bottommy vibe from him at all. He has also told me that he has no interest in doing that. Which is fine, because I don't want to top him at all, it would just feel wrong/weird. However, he strikes me as the kind of person who would be domineering if he was not as nice as he is. He definitely states his wants and his opinions frankly and without apology, and he enjoys teaching me how to do things...
I've talked to him about some of my interests in SM, and he told me that he finds the idea of spanking me or tying me up pretty hot, but right now he isn't comfortable enough to do any of that. I'm not going to go into detail, but he does have issues with power/abuse.
And, like I said, it's not like I'm not happy with how things currently are. But I do get urges where I really want to engage with power play in some way, and when those urges come, I can't really do very much with them.
This makes me feel pretty selfish. I feel that it's unfair of me to try and get him to do stuff that he has issues with, just because it kinda turns me on, when we have a wonderful sex life already.
I think I might just be unused to being the partner who is more experienced/interested in more things. Before, it was my lovers like K and the Emperor who worked me up to topping them, even though I had never done it before and didn't even know that I was interested in SM at all. And now, instead, I'm in the position where I know I'm into something, and am trying to introduce that thing to someone else.
Obviously, I'm not going to throw everything at him all at once. If I'm going to try this with him, I'm going to work him up to it slowly and gradually. A couple of people have suggested that I start out with asking him to do small things, like perhaps asking him to pinch my nipples harder when he's touching me, or something.
So if anyone has some useful advice on how I should go about this, or if I should be trying to do this at all, it would be very helpful 
Baby steps…
I've made a decision, of sorts.
I want to be less secretive about this blog. Take a few steps towards "outing" myself.
I don't exactly want to announce to all and sundry that I write it. Or connect it to my real name. Or even post pictures with my face in them...
But I do want to stop hiding.
A few of my close friends, some of which are mentioned here, already knew I was doing this from the very beginning, but this past week I've told the other people I write about, too. Mostly to see whether or not they had a problem with me writing about them, even though I was using code names and trying my best not to give out too much information about them.
So far, the people I've told have all reacted very positively, which is encouraging.
My biggest worry was telling J. I knew I'd have to tell him eventually. It wasn't so much his reaction to the sexual stuff that I was worried about (well, except for the HNTs...), but I was worried that he would think less of me after reading this. Almost everything about me is all laid out here, in this blog... all my flaws, insecurities, obsessions, and weirdnesses.
Right now, J is at home dealing with some family troubles. I had planned on telling him a little while after he came back, since that would probably be a better time, and this is the kind of thing that I wanted to tell him in person. But I ended up telling him sooner than I expected - last night, in fact, over IM. We started talking about skeletons-in-the-closet and I made a passing comment about probably having more than him, and obviously that piqued his curiosity. So I said, "well, I have this blog..."
"Yes," he said, "I've seen it, it's on your facebook profile."
"No, not that one." i.e. my vanilla blog that I barely use. "This one is different..."
"Oh, like [person's] blog?" [Person] being a mutual friend who also has a sexblog.
I said yes. He took it extremely well. Maybe I was being overly worried about the whole thing. He didn't seem shocked, surprised, disgusted, or anything. Maybe it helped that he already knew someone who was doing the same thing as me. Or maybe he was just hiding his feelings. I'm not sure. But anyway, I expressed that I was worried about him reading it and learning about all of my flaws, and he said something very surprising to me... he told me that I didn't have to show him the blog if I didn't want to.
It was a big relief. I had wanted to show him because I felt that this was something a significant other should know about me. But he said he was happy enough learning about me by talking and spending time with me.
---
So, yeah. If any of my friends learn that I blog via word-of-mouth, or see me carrying a big package full of sex toys to review and ask me what it is, or anything, I'm going to be candid with them.
I'm not sure how all this is going to play out. It might blow up in my face. In that case, I can always unplug and start anew.
I might have to write a bit less about my personal life, but I wanted to move on to other things anyway - writing quality erotica and addressing more issues related to gender and sexuality that are less centered around me. I want to write about bigger things besides myself.
I feel that writing anonymously or secretively can only go so far... if I want my writing about sex or interest in gender & sexuality to be a bigger part of my life, I think that I can only do that by, to some extent, abandoning the safety blanket of anonymity. For a year, it's provided me with a secure refuge to explore sensitive topics, but I think that I'm confident enough now to be expressive in a more open way.
It's a scary step. And an exciting one. We'll see where it takes me.
---
Also: I was having a twitter conversation about this, and Maymay ended up joining in since me and my friend were discussing him as somebody who was an "out" sexblogger. He eventually wrote a very interesting post about how to manage your internet persona. Not much of it is applicable to me, since I don't ever intend to connect my real name with this blog, but he definitely puts forward a lot of good points about why it might be beneficial to be out and have greater control over your online image.
Wait, what? Really?
Apologies in advance to twitter friends and other friends who I've been talking about this incessantly to, already. You're probably fed up of hearing about it ^^; This will probably be the last I'll be saying about this for now.
via Sarai Woah Photography
So... I have an announcement to make. Of sorts.
I am currently a taken woman.
Yep. That's right. The Heartbreak Nympho is off the market (!)
Nobody could be more surprised than me, I think. It's ironic because I had pretty much written off my senior year as a bust. I'd given up looking for anyone I could possibly date, I'd already exhausted the Zeta Mu pool, and I'm graduating this year anyway so I basically resigned myself to being single until graduation. It hasn't been to bad - I flirted online, hooked up now and again, but with no one new, made out with people on dance floors, got sexually frustrated and lonely now and again, got jealous when the Professional would hook up with other people (seriously, he is the very definition of "slut". His face should be under the word in the dictionary. Which is fine and all, but not when I'm one of the people fucking him, with me being as possessive as I am). Basically, I was comfortably accustomed to, and happy with, being a single woman.
Clearly, this is when life decides to throw a relationship right into my lap.
I first met J when I was a freshman, in passing, but I met him again this term at somebody's room party, since he was there with someone I knew. We said hi, we started talking, and pretty much instantly hit it off. A few days later he sent me this very cute, kind of awkward email asking if I wanted to get coffee. So we did. And then he asked if I wanted to get dinner. So we did. Throughout all of this, it's pretty obvious to me that he has a crush on me, but my feelings are still ambivalent, or rather I'm not expecting very much to come of it, so I just let things flow.
But I began warming up to him. It was pretty difficult not to And then we were in my room watching Old Boy one night (fucking awesome movie, btw. Not really date material, it was my choice though, oopsie, but it's still a great movie) and... things all went downhill from there
I know this sounds like a really, really typical story. Boy meets girl, they go out on a few dates, they solidify the relationship... but you have to believe me, it is such a relief, such a refreshing change, from what I've been experiencing up until now. People don't go on dates at my college. They don't. Me and my friends have bitched to no end about how people are perfectly fine with getting wasted and making out with each other in a frat basement, but if you even so much as attempt to ask someone you like to - gasp! - get dinner with you, suddenly it's super awkward. And, while I've enjoyed the lovers I've had over the past couple years, I really was looking for a "proper" relationship, and instead I experienced all manner of bizarre sexual set-ups. It just gets a bit tiring after a while.
So... basically, me and J are dating now. And I don't think I deserve him on so many levels. He's super intelligent. When we're hanging out and talking the hours whip by. He's one of the nicest, most gentle and considerate guys I've met, and he has been nothing but good to me. (I mean, he cooked for me, for goodness' sake! o.O)
Of course, there is a spanner in the works. (There always is.) Turns out that J is an extremely monogamous person. If you're at all familiar with my blog or tweets at all, it should be pretty obvious to you that I'm... well... not. Right now, my ideal relationship structure would be a deep, intense, committed relationship, but it would be open, with us being free to have casual sex with other people, so long as we communicated everything to each other. I already know that's not going to happen here. I knew this would happen eventually - that I would get into a relationship with someone and I would have to try and reconcile the crazy, exciting sexual journey I've been on with the new relationship: discovering my kinky side, discovering that I'm pretty much polyamorous and could "do" a poly relationship, if I wasn't as insecure and possessive as I currently am. Besides the monogamy question, I have no idea what he thinks about BDSM. I also haven't told him about this blog yet.
How typical that a nice boy like J would end up with a raging pervert like me.
I'd be lying if I said I was super into being monogamous. Just because I'm dating J doesn't mean I don't desire other people. I still do. I'm not one to want to hook up with every random, hot person who crosses my path, but there are at least 1-2 people here who intrigue me and who I would love to sleep with if given the chance. (And it would probably pain me to get that chance now and know that I couldn't take it.) And I still think about trysting with my old lovers, like Girl, and the Optimist, who I might be visiting at some point. (Or not, if I wouldn't be able to control myself...) And giving up my sexual connections with them is a big deal for me.
On the other hand, though, with some of my other lovers, knowing that I can't sleep with them anymore actually lifts pressure off of my shoulders. It's kind of nice to just interact with the Professional and the Scientist, knowing that we're just friends and that I don't have to care whether they hook up with other people or not (as they obviously would. The Scientist is as big of a slut as the Professional is). It's nice socializing with people as friends without my using sex as some kind of social lubricant (ha ha) or way of bonding with them. (More on this later.)
Basically, I don't want to insist on sleeping around when I know it's going to make J upset, or if he isn't going to put up with it. Maybe in the future things will shift more to my liking, but I'm not holding my breath. And for now, I'm going to do things the way he wants to do them. Giving up sexual connections with other people for this, for something I've been wanting for such a long time now, seems like a small price to pay.
This is a big change in my life. But it's a change that I'm very happy with
This blog contains adult content.
Wilhelmina Wang. Queer, female college student with her mind lodged firmly in the gutter, seeking genderbenders, lessons in BDSM, a meaningful fuck, and a point in life.
Here's where her mind is spilled like the proverbial guts.
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