First: specifics. The Restraint System is made up of four 60" nylon straps, a nylon connector strap, and four cuffs. All these straps are adjustable, like backpack straps. The cuffs are made of nylon with neoprene backing and Velcro closures, and are all 15" long. The straps, which you secure the cuffs to, end in O-rings. The cuffs come with O-rings and metal snaps. You could easily wash all of the pieces by hand. I feel like throwing everything in the wash wouldn't be good because of the metal pieces. You can also use different cuffs with the straps, if you wish.

You set up the Restraint System by lifting the mattress, and throwing the system underneath. Then you can adjust the straps to the desired lengths. As you can see vaguely in the picture, the packaging suggests that you either put the straps at the top and bottom of the bed, or have them at the sides of the bed. There are probably many other configurations you can try. I think the straps are all long enough that you could use it with a futon or something. The entire system is so light and easy to put away that I can see it being very easy to travel with - you know, for trysts in hotel rooms and such. The straps are also easy to put away: simply stow them under the mattress once you're done. Instant hiding place.

Me and J set up the system and I had him secure me to it. We ended up positioning the straps at the top and bottom of the bed, which gave me a bit more room to move around (I was able to turn myself onto my side, for example). He tightened the straps until they were taut and I couldn't move at all. I pulled and struggled against the cuffs to no avail. The cuffs, besides being completely secure, were fuzzy and very comfortable as well.

J teasingly told me he was going to leave me there tied up, and then proceeded to use my belly as a tabletop for his notebook. For a while, he wrote down notes, and read certain excerpts to me. J isn't kinky at all, so I didn't slide into subspace entirely. Despite that, I felt the same pleasant, secure, Zen feeling at being restrained by these cuffs, as I did when I was first tied up with rope. After a while, J put his notebook away, started nuzzling and snuggling with me... which clearly lead to other things. He re-secured the straps my ankles were attached to, so that they were on either side of the bed and my legs were spread. Being fucked while restrained? Really liked it. And would definitely repeat it.

The system set up on me and J's bed. Please try to ignore the cardboard-box "nightstand"...

As much as I love this system, and as much as I agree with many of the glowing reviews I've read, I can find some places for improvement. For one thing, the cuffs are all the same size. For some reason, I expect most people have thicker ankles than wrists. Or maybe that's just me? I also have very thin wrists. When the cuffs were secured around my wrists, only an inch or so of Velcro was actually touching. These cuffs are long enough that larger people could wear them comforably; but maybe Sportsheets could similarly consider people with skinny wrists? In any case, I still couldn't pull myself loose from the cuffs, so I suppose the size of the cuffs doesn't actually matter.

Besides that, I would have liked it if the snaps were detachable from the cuffs, so they could be used for other things, though their permanent attachment to the cuffs makes them less easy to lose. I'd also like it if the set came with some sort of pouch unit I could store it in. And, while I couldn't get out of the cuffs by pulling against them, with my hands close together I could reach the adjustment point of the strap and loosen it. I could also easily pull the Velcro. If my hands had been spread-eagled, that wouldn't have been the case, but then the straps could have been designed with the adjustment points at the other ends. Except then I guess the plastic pieces would create a "bump" in the mattress. J didn't see this as a flaw, since it gives the bottom an "out."

In short: I like the Under the Bed Restraint System a lot. It is awesome in its versatility.

Price @ Babeland.com: $55

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You're single now.

You do not have to care about where he is, who he's with, or what he is doing. You do not have to uphold his values, do things that please him, or work on fixing the things he thinks are problematic about you. (Not unless you want to, of course.)

You do not have to ignore your lust for other people, thrust your kinky urges under the rug, or wonder if he'll care about whether or not you strip down to your underwear at one of Zeta Mu's parties. You do not have to wait around for him, call or check up on him, or sucker yourself into spending large amounts of time with him, while sacrificing time that could be spent socializing or with friends.

You do not have to care that he likes you better 10 pounds lighter, or that he likes it when you wear girly clothes. You do not have to worry about whether or not you'll offend him by calling him out on his shit, or bluntly disagreeing with him.

You do not have to take his future plans into consideration when you make plans for yourself. You do not have to give any part of yourself over to him or let him have possession of it.

You do not have to care for him any more than you want to, or are comfortable with.

---

On the other hand...

You're alone now.

You will not depend on him, expect to be the center of his attention, or expect him to be a refuge you can run to. You will not think like you are part of a unit. You find him attractive, you like cuddling with him, but there's no meaning behind any physical act you might have, except for affection and maybe lust. When you come home, you will greet him like a roommate and a friend.

You will remind yourself that your relationship was good in its way, but not satisfactory or fulfilling, and that you're better off as friends. You will remind yourself that he really did like you, and things didn't work because you weren't right for each other. He didn't replace you with somebody else. You will remind yourself that he cares about you, just not in the way that you're searching for.

You will support and be there for him as a friend, just as he's doing for you. You will encourage him in resolving his problems because you want him to be happy. If he gets what he wants, you will be happy for him.

You will be all you need. You will focus on yourself; you will work on getting fit and dress up and be industrious and work on your own projects and hang out with friends and have fun and plan your future. You will look forward to leaving here because what comes next will be adventurous, new, and exciting... and you'll have no baggage holding you back.

Photos via zhenikeyev.

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[Press Play]

So, me and J broke up.

Most of my friends (online and offline) and family have reacted with surprise, and for good reason: this all seems very sudden, but in fact it has been a slow build-up that started from the moment we got together.

I had my doubts. As did J, but about slightly different things. I was graduating in June, and the likelihood of any relationship lasting beyond that, via long distance, was low. The relationship would have to be pretty fucking solid. I didn't really expect to suddenly find someone like that during the last few months of my college career, so I wasn't planning for the long-term. Any relationship I was going to have would automatically have an expiration date, unless something drastic happened to change my mind.

Concerning J specifically, our relationship had its own issues. I wasn't passionately in love with him, and we had a few glaring incompatibilities (and some glaring similarities) that would probably cause dissatisfaction in the future, and we were both going to be unsettled for the next few years. Despite all that, he made me happy, and I grew to like him so much that I really, really wanted things to work.

We had numerous conversations about these things, but ended up deciding to wait until June to decide whether or not to stay together beyond that. We probably weren't going to, but thought that spending a few months together would be enjoyable and good for the both of us.

He'd asked me to move in with him in a moment of impulse and passion, and I said yes. Ironically, after I moved in, it became apparent that things weren't playing out how I hoped they would. We ended up treating each other more like good friends than a couple, and he told me he'd come to feel as much towards me. He told me that part of the problem too was that he hadn't fallen in love with me, and didn't think he would. And to make things even more complicated, two of his exes are still on campus, with whom he still has somewhat confusing relationships. He'd tell me how pressured and troubled he was by his relationships with them, and I'd want very much to be supportive, but would feel too jealous and angry. I distinctly felt like I had already lost him as a significant other. Because he didn't "want" me and because his romantic feelings weren't focused on me, I felt like everything was already over. I was lonely. I came home once or twice and just lay in bed and cried for hours.

And yet we were still dating.

We finally broke up when I told him how upset I felt by feeling as if I'd lost him but not being able to deal with it because we were still "together."

So now I guess we're good friends who also live together, are emotionally/physically intimate, and have sex. We've agreed that if one of us hooks up with or goes on a date with somebody else, we'll let the other know.

Personally, I think us living together is working out fine. Things might be difficult once one of us gets together with somebody else. It's not like one of us will get into another serious relationship, but something casual is definitely a possibility. I'm interested in a couple people, but I don't know if I even want to bother trying to initiate anything with them. The most I can hope for is casual sex, and right now that sounds pretty pointless.

On the plus side, we're still there for each other. And now that I'm not dating him, I feel less ire at his exes. I'm starting to feel nonchalant when he talks about them. Or sympathy towards him. I hope he works things out with them, because it's obvious that there are still some feelings there.

If nothing awful happens, we'll stay good friends after we both leave here, since we both still like & care about each other a lot. I'm glad that I got to know J, and I'm glad I've gained his friendship, though I lost him as a partner.

In the end, I came to see our relationship as an oasis. Both of us had had many hurtful past experiences, but we then we met each other, and we were good to each other. I can't speak for him, but my time with him healed me.

"There is a storm in the distance / The wind breathing warning of its imminence / There is a lighthouse five hundred yards down / You and I will be safe there / Love, you are foolish, you're tired / Your sleeplessness makes you a liar / The city is burning / The ocean is turning / Our only chance is the lighthouse" - Lighthouse by The Hush Sound

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... Or maybe not a relief. I began thinking a little more about the relationship between my sexuality and how I interact with people. If you're a long time reader, you'll remember my discussing how sex is never "just" sex to me. While I don't always attribute love to it, I do attribute many other things to it; may it be emotional connection, or attention, or a self-esteem boost. Conversely, many things lead me to think of sex; perhaps uncommon things. I must have reached a certain point where sex became just another way of getting to know someone. There have definitely been times where I've been getting to know someone new, socially or at work or anything, and I was enjoying getting to know them, and I'd randomly wonder what it would be like to have sex with them. Just a passing curiosity, you understand, I might not really want to have sex with them or even be attracted to them. I'd just wonder because maybe it would tell me something more about them.

J has remarked before that it sounds like I mix up sex and intimacy a lot, when sometimes they're actually mutually exclusive. Some close friends have also remarked that I mix up friendship and love, or friendship and sex. Friendship, romance, and sex are all kind of blurry to me. I see moving from one to another just like shifting gears, or viewing the same thing through a different lens. They're all the same matter, but just have different forms. I mean, it's not like I think that I could love or want sex with all of my friends. Sometimes the possibility just isn't there. But when it is, moving from one to another isn't really very difficult for me. I never found much of a problem with it. Many people I know have clear boundaries between each thing (friend, fuckbuddy, significant other) but I didn't really ever set those boundaries in place. So what happened was everything just kind of... spilled into each other. And so I ended up having sex with many of my closest friends; having undefined sexual/romantic relationships; hooking up with someone and then becoming friends with them; or breaking up with a boyfriend but continuing to sleep with him for a while after that.

I think that blurry view is changing now.

Click on "continue reading" on the bottom right to read more.

(Notice that I'm not addressing love or falling in love here. That's too big for this conversation, I think. I'm merely referring to the nature of different kinds of relationships.)

Anyway, this never used to worry me, but it does now because I think I used sex to relate to people, when I'd have been better off doing something else. Honestly? There have been times when I felt more comfortable making out with someone I was just getting to know, compared to trying to approach someone at a party. I remember when I was first getting to know the Professional, I invited him to a rope bondage workshop with me. Doing that put a clear sexual overtone to whatever was going to happen between us, while, at the time, I didn't even know if I was interested in him yet. Inviting him to a rope bondage event just felt more natural to me than... something else.

There could be many reasons for that, and they're probably all correct: I'm fairly comfortable with my sexuality, whereas I'm socially anxious and don't like interacting in large group situations; if I'm "offering" sex then the person has more incentive to hang out with me (yeah, for a long while my self-esteem was just that low). I can't keep using sex as a social lubricant though, and not just because I'm dating J. It just isn't very sustainable.

My lack of boundaries also worries me because... well, let me put it this way. Having multiple friends-with-benefits and fuck-buddies, when that's all I had, didn't matter. It's quite different once you're committed to someone and you have a past life that's full of friends-with-benefits and fuck-buddies. Many of the people I slept with were also close friends of mine. They're all over the US now, but I still keep in touch with them and they're still a part of my life to some extent. It's a little awkward when I want to tell J about them or when I want to tell them about J. In a way, they're not just my close friends, they're also my "exes," even though we were never in a relationship. We were sleeping together for a sustained period of time, and there was some kind of interest expressed by both parties... that's basically enough.

So every time I mention one of those friends to J, there's a little tension there. Not too much to be unhealthy, but it's still a little awkward. I think J is mature enough not to let those things get in the way, and that I have good enough judgement to not harp on my past sexual relationships constantly for no reason (hmm. I hope). I introduced J to the Rationalist, and he reacted with the same tenseness and shiftiness at first, but after they ran into each other more often and had more conversations, they got along pretty well, which is nice.

And, of course, my "exes" have their own reactions to when I talk about J, ranging from happiness on my behalf, to defensiveness/protectiveness, to suspicion, to silence.

As J said, it's the elephant in the room: "we both fucked this girl at some point in time." With my friends who I didn't have a sexual relationship with, that tension is not there. J is friends with his ex-girlfriends as well, and I don't have a problem with that or feel jealous, but I do think of them differently than the rest of his friends.

I don't regret anything I did in the past. I did what I did, and I'm dealing with the ramifications now, and they're not awful or all that difficult to deal with. I didn't write this post because I'm stressing. These things are just probably good things to know for future use. I think I need to re-evaluate how I approach boundaries.

All part of growing up, I guess.

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So me and J hit a rough patch a couple of weeks ago. I think everything is alright now, but our talks made me realize something that I thought might be worth sharing here.

One of the things that was bothering J about our relationship was that he felt that he was putting more into it than I was - he was the one who would take the initiative to invite me to things, he'd do nice things for me and listen to me talk about my various inane and not-so-inane problems.

He was right, of course. There were many reasons why that was happening, some due to my own emotional issues which I've worked through to some point since then. However, I've found myself getting into friendships or relationships with men before where the man ended up being some kind of "protector" or security blanket for me. And what I realized that one of the reasons I slipped into that sort of relationship with J was precisely because he is a man.

I imagined how I'd treat my significant other if they happened to be a girl, and interestingly I don't think I would have run into any of the problems I ran into with J, because I wouldn't have been acting that way in the first place. If I were dating a girl, there's no way that I'd let her do all these things for me and wait around for her to take the initiative all the time without doing just as much myself. I'd take much more care to check up on her, do little random things to make her feel happy and try and spoil her as much as I could.

Even though I'm feminist or progressive or queer or whatever I am, I still have a lot of internalized heteronormativity, and I still subscribe to gender-myths. I was acting like the man was supposed to make the first move, be chivalrous, take care of the woman, etc, etc, when really there's no reason to assume that men don't need attention and TLC as much as women do.

Luckily, it seems that all I needed to snap out of that behavior was to talk about it a little bit. I think I'm acting like that less now. In any case, it's interesting that with all my views and intentions, the way I act can sometimes not match up.

Have any of you ever had moments like this?

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- Shall We Dance (seriously the only part of the movie that was worth watching)

The point where a relationship transitions into being a serious one is when you ask your significant other, and yourself, if you want to share each others' lives. Like, "hey, do you want to experience my journey with me? Do you want me to experience your journey with you?" You take two wandering paths out of millions and millions in the world and have them become one and the same.

It's been a while since I've shared my life with anyone. I began to think I had lost the capacity to, but I know that that's not true. I guess the question now is: will it work for us to have our paths converge?

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Hey, so, Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it) and happy holidays and such. I've been spending a lot of time hanging out with family and friends and such and oddly haven't been in the mood for blogging, until now. Being apart for a month can do that to you, I guess.

I'm quite aware that this post is about topping from the bottom. But you can't exactly get a person to start hitting you. You have to start somewhere. I wonder when I'll work up the nerve to ask that first question? We've both very sexual people, but I have a feeling that sex means so many more things to me than it ever will to him.

[via jkrabbit]

Would you like to try pulling my hair?

No, don't pull the tips; everyone does that, and it doesn't feel good. Put your hand here, close to my scalp, and grab a big handful. Feel free to yank; it's okay. Yes, just like that. Hold me against the wall; bite my neck, my shoulders. Can you feel them - my muscles, my pulse - under your teeth? You could be gentle, or bite down hard enough to draw blood - neat, red pinpricks - like this. Don't worry, I'll tell you if it hurts too much.

Hold me up against the wall. Kiss down my body; hold, grab, squeeze my tits; pinch and twist my nipples between your fingers, until I can't keep quiet. My arms are folded behind my back. You didn't ask me to put them there; but it feels right. I'll keep still if you want me to. You're so good to me, so patient with my nonsense; I want to do something for you now; I want to make you feel good. You never ask for much, but that doesn't mean you don't want. I'm learning you more and more as time passes; I notice the hitches in your breathing and the way your voice gets soft and husky with desire, even if the words you say are few.

What would you like me to do for you? Please, tell me. Tell me how you want me. I'll suck your cock, lave you all over with my tongue, soft and slow and not leaving a single part of you untouched. I'll bend over, good and obedient, ass high in the air for you to use; a warm hole for you to come into. I won't move. I won't touch myself. Not unless you want me to. Or you could shove my face into my pillows; hold me down and leisurely touch and tease and explore me until my entire body is thrumming like a wire highly charged with electricity.

We could do all of these things, and more. But, for now, we'll begin with you yanking my hair.

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I'm very happy with him - he gives me all the important, emotional things that I need, he's an incredibly intelligent and interesting person, he's absolutely lovely in bed, and I am smitten with him. So, really, complaining about what I'm about to complain about is like saying - "oh yeah, I am in perfect health. I feel on top of the world! ...All except for this one insect bite. I wish it would stop itching." It's even barely worth mentioning. In fact, I'd say that I'm not really complaining because I am in no way discontent with the way things are. This is more of an observation, because my mind does tend to wander to the darker, more twisted places, even when I am happy.

Lately, I've been having fantasies of sharing J with another person. Of course, I know that he would never go for that, so these will stay strictly fantasies - but, because I know that he's bisexual (even though he mostly doesn't act on his attractions to men because of his cultural background), I keep thinking about finding some cute gay/bi man, slim and smooth-skinned, bordering on twink, and J going to bed with him and then coming back to me and telling me all about it. And then having hot, raunchy sex. I've also wondered what would happen if J and one of my old lovers and me all slept together - I think of N, in particular, because the last time we slept together he told me how much he was turned on by fucking me while I sucked another guy's cock... and basically implied that he might be interested in exploring sex with another man.

I've wanted my friends-with-benefits to meet each other and perhaps see if they were attracted to each other, before. The way I see it - I think you're super awesome, and I also think that person is super awesome, so I want the two of you to experience each other's awesomeness! I've also really wanted to tell J about my experiences with Sir - not to make him jealous or to imply that I want him to be more like Sir... but just because I really like Sir and I really like what we did together and I want to share that with J. I probably won't tell him in as much detail as I record here, merely because I don't want him to feel insecure, but I think I will talk to him about it eventually.

This is pretty new to me, especially considering I've bitched so much about past lovers who slept around a lot, in addition to sleeping with me. This is different, though; me and J both know that we are at the forefront of each other's minds and hearts, no one else. And notice that in all the examples I've given, I've had some say or involvement in J's being with other people. Or at least am consulted beforehand, or told about it afterwards. So - not the same thing at all, really.

Like I said, I know that J would never go for this, and I don't actually want it enough to try and push the issue. It's an interesting thing to think about, though.

---

One thing that me and J haven't done much of, but I know might be possible, is SM play. As considerate and concerned with pleasing me as he is, I don't get a submissive/bottommy vibe from him at all. He has also told me that he has no interest in doing that. Which is fine, because I don't want to top him at all, it would just feel wrong/weird. However, he strikes me as the kind of person who would be domineering if he was not as nice as he is. He definitely states his wants and his opinions frankly and without apology, and he enjoys teaching me how to do things...

I've talked to him about some of my interests in SM, and he told me that he finds the idea of spanking me or tying me up pretty hot, but right now he isn't comfortable enough to do any of that. I'm not going to go into detail, but he does have issues with power/abuse.

And, like I said, it's not like I'm not happy with how things currently are. But I do get urges where I really want to engage with power play in some way, and when those urges come, I can't really do very much with them.

This makes me feel pretty selfish. I feel that it's unfair of me to try and get him to do stuff that he has issues with, just because it kinda turns me on, when we have a wonderful sex life already.

I think I might just be unused to being the partner who is more experienced/interested in more things. Before, it was my lovers like K and the Emperor who worked me up to topping them, even though I had never done it before and didn't even know that I was interested in SM at all. And now, instead, I'm in the position where I know I'm into something, and am trying to introduce that thing to someone else.

Obviously, I'm not going to throw everything at him all at once. If I'm going to try this with him, I'm going to work him up to it slowly and gradually. A couple of people have suggested that I start out with asking him to do small things, like perhaps asking him to pinch my nipples harder when he's touching me, or something.

So if anyone has some useful advice on how I should go about this, or if I should be trying to do this at all, it would be very helpful

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