I wish I had dated this when I wrote it, but think circa. August 2009...

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via ...and Death Smiled

If you've been following my tweets at all, you'd have read about me gushing over a guy I used to call Fetlife Guy #3, who I now call the Optimist. As his name(s) suggests, I met him through Fetlife, and he is a very positive person

I haven't known him for very long, but my time with him has been nothing short of wonderful. This is the first time in a while that I've met someone who is just as smitten with/infatuated with/interested in me as I am with them, and who treats me in ways I like to be treated. This probably sounds really dramatic, but he has been a ray of hope in the pit of college douchebags I've been dolefully scrabbling in until now. Knowing that it's possible to meet someone who likes me just as much as I like them, who reciprocates my feelings, and who wants the same kind of relationship and closeness that I want, is very encouraging, because I had begun to doubt whether it was even possible.

Of course, as it always happens when I meet someone awesome, I am leaving in a week, which sorta sucks.

---

We were chatting online on the evening of Labor Day when he impulsively asked me to come over. We both had work the next day, and he had to drive for about an hour across the city to pick me up, so I had my doubts about whether or not it was a good idea. But he really wanted to see me.

"I know I'm asking a lot for you to come over now, but I'll do anything you want," he said.

"Anything?"

"Anything."

How could I say no to that?

A couple of hours later found us making out in his apartment on his bed.

"I meant what I said earlier," he told me. "I still want to try dominating you, but tonight is all yours."

We kissed some more as I tried to figure out what I wanted to do with him. Eventually I thought of something - I've said many times how I wished I had a significant other at home who would welcome me nicely when I came home from work, and offer to give me a footrub, backrub, that kind of thing.

"You know, you never really finished giving me that foot massage last night," I said.

"Is that what you want?"

"Can you do that?"

"No, no," he said, shaking his head, lying underneath me as I straddled him. "You're telling me, not asking me. Tell me what you want."

I told him. "I want you to give me a foot massage." And I laughed at him. "You know, it's pretty funny, you telling me to tell you..."

I laid back, propping myself on the pillows as he went to work. I closed my eyes. It felt lovely. He seemed to be getting into it - running his lips over my toes.

And then I ran into a problem.

I wanted to ask him to do something. I have very sensitive feet. So sensitive, in fact, that Christopher had sucked on my toes a couple of times, and each time, the sensations blew me away.

So I wanted to ask the Optimist to do that. But the words got stuck in my throat. He continued to rub my feet, and I rolled the words around in my mouth, wanting so much to say them. I must have had a funny look on my face, because eventually he noticed and asked me what the matter was.

"Do you... think you could use your mouth a bit more?" I asked bashfully. He did - kissing and licking my feet, putting my toes in his mouth. My eyes closed in pleasure.

After a while of that, I asked him to stop.

"Take off your clothes." I said. He gave me a little striptease, pulling off his T-shirt, shimmying out of his jeans and finally removing his boxers, twirling them above his head before throwing them to the other side of the room.

His little show made me laugh, and I gestured for him to come into my lap.

We kissed again, and I scratched over his back, marking up his skin. And then I asked him if he had any flat, hard implements lying around.

He didn't. Oh well. I'd have to make do with my hand.

I positioned him across my lap and told him to straighten out his legs. I felt up his ass and the backs of his thighs for a while. And then I started spanking him.

It was so much more intimate like this, with him across my lap. I experimented more this time - slapping his thighs, each cheek, both, varying my pace, asking myself what would happen if I did this? Or that?

It felt good to spank him; to hear him ask breathlessly "are you enjoying this?" and to respond "yes" in a voice husky with pleasure; to check if he was OK and to realize that he was so incoherent that he could barely even answer me. Finally, I had him count off the last few spanks up to 5.

When I heard his voice, I regretted not asking him to do that from the very beginning...

"Five." I finished spanking him and gathered him into my arms. He was sniffling a little bit. I kissed him, cuddled him, ruffled his hair, and felt him up as we talked. I loved having him naked; I loved being able to casually play with his cock as we talked and hear his words falter.

Both of us felt so much closer to each other than before. I felt this intense rush of affection and intimacy. I asked him how he liked it, and he admitted that a couple of my swats were a little too hard - but ultimately he really enjoyed it. Mostly, he said, because he knew I was really enjoying it.

"I just really want to please you," he said.

Those words were like music to my ears. Yes, this is it, I thought. This is how I want things to be. Not like before, with those bottommy men who I always felt wanted something from me; who wanted me to do specific somethings to them; who made me feel continually nervous about not meeting their expectations.

Not like the Optimist accepts everything without telling me what is too much or what is unpleasant. He does tell me. But the Optimist just wanted me, not something that I could provide. He just wanted to please me.

Can you imagine how good that feels? Do I even have enough words to describe it?

---

It was such an interesting experience - I'm pretty quiet during sex, I rarely say anything, and asking for what I want still embarrasses me considerably. I am also not a very assertive person at all, typically. I'm so timid sometimes that I'm almost invisible. And whoever heard of a bashful dominant? I also "conditionalize" what I say a lot of the time: inserting "I think", "probably", "maybe", "could you try to...", "could you help me to..." But telling the Optimist what I wanted in a situation where I didn't feel pressured really helped. I've been with people who have been all "just say what you want!" or "why are you so shy about this?" which didn't really help. I'd just feel even more embarrassed over being shy.

I also felt so... opened up, listening to my thoughts and wants, listening to his reactions. It's funny, dominating/topping someone, because I feel that when you're playing with someone you have to be very much "in the moment", but because I hadn't thought much through beforehand, I was also sort of planning out what would happen next. But I just relaxed, and listened, and let the wants come to me. It felt so good to let myself just flow like that. I wish I could do it more, well, in life. I felt like I learnt a lot about myself, both sexually and otherwise.

I'm terribly grateful to the Optimist. When you get right down to it, he is the one who gave this experience to me. And I truly value that as the gift that it is.

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As one of my friends once said to me: I seem to have no limits. Many of the BDSM-related things I don't want to do, I don't want to do because I don't know how to do them in a safe manner. Of course, I don't want to do everything, but I can comfortably say that typically I'm up for almost anything.

Which is why my aversion to rimjobs was kind of perplexing to me.

Anal sex, sure, but putting one's mouth there seemed too... intimate. Dirty. I didn't want to let someone do that to me because I was too embarrassed, and I didn't want to do it to someone else because I thought it would be... kinda gross.

Christopher had to try very hard to convince me to let him rim me. And even when I gave in - bent over, on my knees, ass in the air, head in my pillow, his tongue in and around my hole, me moaning and panting and my mind being blown - I wondered how he could possibly find that erotic.

Well... all of that changed one night, when me and the Optimist started making out.

Things quickly progressed until he was naked and I was blowing him, licking and sucking his balls and his thighs. Soon enough the same thought came to both of us at pretty much the same time:

"Can you kiss my butt?"

I blinked. I had been thinking of doing that, and more... but did I really want to?

It took me a few seconds to make up my mind before I gently turned him over. I kissed and nibbled his ass cheeks for a bit before spreading them to reveal his little pink star.

I looked. I smelt. It smelt... different, but not unpleasant. I rubbed over his hole with my finger. I enjoyed having him spread out before me like that. I imagined I was making him feel exposed... I hoped that I was.

And then I put out my tongue and took my first taste.

Again, it tasted different, but not unpleasant. He was clean, and I felt like I could have been licking any other part of his body... except this was somehow so much more erotic.

I dove in and started lapping.

He made the most amazing noises. Different. Mewling, whimpering, vulnerable. My tongue is too short, so I couldn't do more than just lap and swirl my tongue against his hole - but that was more than enough. Soon, he breathlessly asked if he could flip onto his back so he could jerk himself off more comfortably. I let him - but my mouth could no longer reach him. So I used my fingers and watched him as he came - hard, hard...

My god. How could I have ever thought that was gross?

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But then I got it into my head that I wanted to get the Optimist a gift for his birthday, which is coming up in November. A butt toy. I was thinking about the Lelo Bob or the njoy pure plug small, but after a quick Twitter Poll and an almost unanimous heralding of the Fun Factory Bootie as the perfect plug/beginner's plug, I wanted to get that instead.

And so I'm blogging about Epiphora's blogiversary contest, since she's giving away a Bootie! If I win it, I'm giving it to the Optimist. Sure, it's a random draw, but a chance is still a chance, right? And if I manage to win something else, well, I'm sure I'll either use it or find a friend who would love it

And I thought it would be cool to tell you guys about this contest and about Epiphora's blog, since I really enjoy her snarky, informative sex toy reviews

---

Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of this here blog, so of course, I wanted to give out some presents! I was inspired by other blogiversary contests held by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr and Wilhemina Wang, which featured a bunch of prizes and thus many winners. I have seven great prizes here to give away to seven lucky winners! I will choose most of the winners by random draw, and let each winner pick from the available toys.

Since there are about a hundred really great toys I’d love to give away, I had to narrow the scope a little bit. I decided to play with the theme of realizations. So all of these prizes are toys/porn I have tried/seen and absolutely loved, for one reason or another. Check out the quotes from my reviews to find out why, then scroll down to find out how to enter!

The toy that made me realize…

…how awesome butt plugs can feel: the Fun Factory Bootie! Courtesy of Early to Bed.

Bootie is a perfect example of why I created the Hi, I love you sub-category of reviews. It was love at first insertion.

Click "Continue Reading" on the bottom right of this post to read more.

…vibrations aren’t necessary at all: the Tantus Alumina Motion! Courtesy of Tantus.

The arrow-shaped bulbs create a unique feeling that I haven’t experienced before. The bulbs are small, but they’re mighty.

…I can squirt: the Lelo Ella! Courtesy of Tabu Toys, in your choice of black or white.

I know the story of my first ejaculation is a heart-warming tale, but the point is, the Lelo Ella is an incredible dildo . . . It practically oozes luxury, as do all Lelo toys, and it truly works in harmony with my body in a way that no other toy ever has.

…my boyfriend actually does like masturbation sleeves, as long as they rule: the Fleshlight! Courtesy of PinkCherry, in any style you desire.

My boyfriend was grinning after he used the Fleshlight. Grinning, people. His reactions to other masturbation sleeves have been indifferent shrugs and swift shakes of the head . . . But the Fleshlight has blown every other masturbation sleeve out of the water . . .

…how much I love girth: the Papaya Toys Candy Stick! In lime green, people! Courtesy of Papaya Toys.

It’s easy to drown this review in praise for all the little things that make the Candy Stick awesome, but the way it feels in my pussy seals the deal. It is thick and fairly stiff — perfect for the tail end of my masturbation sessions . . . Fill my pussy up with the Candy Stick, and I am happy as a clam.

…vaginal balls are fun, no matter if my kegels need them or not: the Lelo Luna Beads! Courtesy of Vibrator.com.

The sensation of the balls vibrating inside their plastic housings was so exciting and interesting. It made my pussy say, “hello, I exist!” I began dancing, rocking in my desk chair, and walking around the apartment aimlessly. I couldn’t get enough of the feeling. How did I ever think I didn’t need vaginal balls? Yes, my vagina is as tight as a Chinese finger trap, but these beads feel supremely awesome just hanging out in there.

The porn that made me realize…

…how hot and fun porn can be: Tristan Taormino’s Chemistry series! Courtesy of the glorious Tristan herself, all 4 DVDs from the series, autographed!

Um, can Tristan Taormino make one of these per year until I die? I dare say she’s found the gold mine with the Chemistry series. Each one of them has been exciting, interesting, and hot . . . I think the reason I love these films so much is because they have the perfect balance between sex and integrity.

Ways to Enter

There are five ways you can enter, and an endless number of times you can enter, if you feel like being relentless! Pick and choose whichever way(s) you prefer.

• Comment on other posts and reviews on this blog. I will be choosing my 2 favorite comments of all time — yes, going all the way back to last October, all 80+ pages of them — and giving prizes to those commenters.
• Subscribe to my RSS feed and comment here to let me know. If you’re already subscribed, comment here as well.
• Comment here and give me a suggestion for Hey Epiphora. Something I should review, write about, etc. Or even something I should change about the current state of affairs at this blog.
• Blog about this contest and let me know. (Please don’t hotlink to the images, yo.)
• Tweet! I will count up to 10 tweets. You must include @Epiphora in your tweet and be following me. Use this text or concoct your own: Oodles of sex toys are up for grabs! To enter to win, follow @Epiphora and RT. More ways to enter: http://bit.ly/1t20RZ

Deadline: October 27, 2009 at 11:59 p.m. PST.

The fine print

• If you are selected as a winner, you will have 24 hours to reply to my email with your address and choice of toy. If you do not respond, I will choose the next winner.
• The Lelo Ella and Papaya Toys Candy Stick are only available to winners in the continental U.S. The Fun Factory Bootie and Chemistry series are available to winners in the entire U.S. The Fleshlight is available to winners in the continental U.S. and Canada.
• Obviously (I hope), you must be 18+ or 21+ as required by your local laws to acquire sex toys/porn.

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Him: you have a problem in one place, so you're trying to solve it by creating happiness in another place. it's like trying to heal a broken leg by taking morphine instead of setting the bone. and you know what the problem is. you already said. i quote: i want to feel wanted, desired, beautiful. you need a certain kind of self-actualization. in other words, you need to find a way to be happy with yourself that doesn't depend on what someone else thinks about you.

A couple of nights ago I realized something.

I don't need to hook up anymore.

I still want to, of course, but that need to fuck in order to feel more beautiful, more desirable, more worthwhile a person, isn't there anymore.

When I was in the Caribbean and hooking up with the Atlantean, him and his roommate kept saying that they thought I was a sexually liberated woman. I would nod along but feel that something wasn't right - this desperate need to hook up? The need for sex to affirm myself? The need for someone to pay rapt attention to me and my body, for at least an hour or so? And for the need to be so strong that it would sometimes make me do things that were against my better judgment, or do things that compromised my views?

Whatever a sexually liberated woman is supposed to be like, I thought, this isn't it.

I think I realized that the need had left me when the Optimist was having a stressful couple of weeks and was being M.I.A. For a few moments, I wondered "maybe he doesn't want to see me?" But then I countered - no, I know he wants to. We may not have hooked up in a while, but I know he wants to see me. And even if he didn't, well, no big deal.

A few months ago, something like that would have been a big deal. I would have felt rejected and hurt. I would have asked myself "what is wrong with me? Why doesn't this person like me? How should I change myself?" And now, if I have a good reason, I still might wonder if I did something to drive the person away, but I'll also remember that people have lives and moods and the way they're acting might not necessarily have anything to do with me. And, while I may feel a bit disappointed at losing the chance at having a good sexual experience, I am able to shrug my shoulders and say - there will be a next time.

I am beginning to love myself more and more. I'm shaking off the last shards of the cage that has been trapping me for so long - a cage of fear, shyness, insecurity and hatred of my differences. I don't need sex to feel validated anymore because I realize that I am a valuable person. And whether [insert person here] wants to have sex with me or not, I will still be a valuable person.

I can't even begin to tell you how much of a relief this is.

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[via sexisnottheenemy]

Lesson #2: The Optimist

"Well, what are you doing?" you smirk as he insinuates his hand underneath your skirt and pushes hard in between your cheeks.

"This isn't going to work if you top me topping you."

"Right. OK. Sorry. I'll stop."

Blindfold. On your hands and knees. Skirt lifted up. Spank.

"Is this what you want?"

Gulp. "Yes."

"Yes what?"

Cringe. "Yes, sir."

"What exactly is it that you want?"

You can't bring yourself to speak. More spanks.

"...I want to be... dominated by you. Sir."

"I don't think I'm convinced."

You have to say it again? You can't tell whether you feel like growling, hiccuping, cursing, or bursting into giggles.

"I want to be dominated by you, sir." Big grin.

Blindfold off. You're back upright, sitting with your legs folded. He takes your face in his hands. The tough guy act is all gone now.

"Do you really want to do this?"

Pause. "Every time," you respond, "I have to call you 'sir,' I hate myself just a little bit."

"Really?!" He's very sweet about it. Talks about it with you. During the next comfortable silence, you unsnap the collar from around your neck.

"I think this will look better on you," you smile, putting it on him. The black leather does contrast wonderfully with his pale skin.

"...I think I know what I feel like now."

Don't try and make yourself do something when you don't want to do it. Take charge when needed. Above all, do not be afraid, because you've nothing to be afraid of.

"What?"

"Topping you."

"Oh. Good! Because I'm actually more in a bottomy mood."

Giggle. Hug - arms around his shoulders, pulling him to you. "You should have said something... but then that's the trouble with bottoms, you never ask for anything..."

You retrieve the blindfold and place it on him, your fingers clumsily navigating the elastic.

"Lay face down on the bed."

He does. He looks so pretty. Push his plain white T-shirt up, scratch down his back. Admire the pretty pink welts that start to prickle on his skin.

Pants off. Caress his ass, slowly. Indulgently. Spank. No warnings.

The silence folds over you uncomfortably, so you ask him questions. Voice low, almost meditative. You feel yourself slipping into... what? A role? A state of mind? You're not sure. But you ask him questions. You laugh. The only command you issue to him is "say 'yes', not 'mmmhmm.'"

Hands and knees, now. That's better, it's easier to swing your hand this way. Hard spanks, switching from one cheek to the other, flattening your palm. Alternating between smacking him and reaching down, fondling his cock and balls. Pressing your finger against his covered asshole, stroking, listening to him gasp, watching his body tremble.

"Has anyone ever sat on your face before?"

"No..."

"Would you like to try it?"

"Yes."

Pull off your underwear and keep on the lime-green miniskirt. Straddle his face and push your clit into his mouth, and he starts licking, oh yes, good boy. Steady yourself against the wall with one hand.

"C-can I please touch myself?"

"Yes." Too lenient? Maybe.

You rock gently in and out of his mouth as he licks and sucks you tirelessly, oh god, it's been too long, it is so good.

Mmm. Lift yourself wordlessly off him and he stops touching himself. Didn't come. Good. That he shouldn't come before you let him should be an unspoken rule, of course.

Catch your breath. Boxers off, now.

You rub lube onto your hands and start jerking and rubbing his cock. It is honestly quite beautiful: long and dark pink. Abandon it. Spread his legs apart and rub his hole, one finger, two, start fingerfucking him.

"Can I touch myself?"

"No."

Slide the little buttplug in. And then start jerking him off in earnest.

"I'm going to... I can't hold back..."

"Well, don't," you say, and he comes all over his belly.

Smile. Wipe your hands off as he lays there, all angular hips and skinny abdomen with the come all over it, T-shirt pushed up, black collar & blindfold still on, still half-hard. Pretty as a picture.

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