Some things are just not meant to be made public.

The first post was a series of gossippy chats between me and the Scientist – basically, he’s started hooking up with the Emperor and his gf, and has almost hooked up with K on several occasions. (Hey – one fantasy fulfilled.) Personally, I found it extremely amusing that my fwbs were converging like that… Anyway, we both exchanged comments about the Emperor and his gf and agreed that they’re both very amazing, hot people. The Scientist pretty much implied that he wished I was there with them so I could join the sexy mayhem. We both wondered what would happen if me, him, the Emperor and his gf were to all sleep together at the same time (conclusion: multiple small explosions). And the Scientist threw out that he wants to fuck K (and possibly other people) with me once I get back. I’ve definitely wanted to try cruising for people together with an fwb, but right now I really don’t know what I feel about doing that with the Scientist. It might kick up way too much chaos (the negative kind) than it would be worth.

I didn’t post that in the end because – well, it was a circus of a conversation. Pretty vapid and immature. It was funny to me, but probably unreadable to anybody else. The other reason was that I showed the conversation to my friend S, to ask her opinion on whether or not I should post it, and she told me that what I was talking about in the conversation “sounded unhealthy.”

More on that later.

The second post was a series of hot emails between me and the Emperor. The Scientist was dirty-emailing with the Emperor but had to go offline and work, and he happened to be chatting to me at the same time, so… surprise! He “tagged” me and told me to pick up where he left off. More of me being amused. But nevertheless, I emailed the Emperor and the result was a very nice, deep, sexy conversation, which ended in him sending me a long description of how he pictured himself domming me. (He’s naturally a sub, but I mentioned how I really wanted to be dommed at some point, and he said that for people he was especially close to, he could probably make an exception…)

It was a fucking gorgeous, arousing description. Beautiful, really. Pretty much exactly what I would want my first dom experience to be like. But I couldn’t bring myself to post that either because… well, he doesn’t know about this blog and I don’t know how comfortable he would be with his words all over the internet. And those words were meant for me to read. He waited until things were quiet at work, and until no one was around, before sitting down and writing that email to me. Letting other people read it – lovely as you all may be – would… make it seem less meaningful, somehow. Less special.

Okay. Maybe just one line. One line! No more than a taste. The rest is for my enjoyment only

…bringing my arms around you, sliding my fingers lightly over your legs, tracing up your thigh, rubbing and squeezing your clit before coming in to fuck you, fingers hooked, pumping and banging against the walls of your sweet dripping pussy, all hot breath and sweat…

(Mrr… how can he make my breath stop and my body weak over email? Seriously, how?!)

Anyway – the point is that all of this has made me want to stop and evaluate what, exactly, I want to do with this sexblog. And perhaps what, exactly, I want to do with my sex life in general, but I have a feeling that the blog will be easier to deal with.

I started blogging because I had wanted to experiment with writing about sex(uality) for a while. I briefly considered filling the long-empty sex-columnist position at my college’s liberal publication, but I wasn’t comfortable with even the people on staff knowing who I was behind the pen-name. And I had been wanting to start a blog for some time as well so… voila. I also thought that, well, since I spent so much time talking about sex anyway, I might as well write about it instead, and give some of my long-suffering friends some peace.

But what else? I wanted to, in some sense, immortalize the people close to me and the intimate moments I shared with them. (I mean, in no way at all am I comparing myself to Shakespeare and his sonnets, but still.) Besides my own erotic experiences, I want to deconstruct relationships and queerness and kink. I wanted to present a new, fresh perspective on a subject that is already beaten to death. But what that perspective is, and why it’s “new” and “fresh”, I still don’t know.

Blogging has helped me become more confident, both as a writer and a person. Through expressing myself and my sexuality on a regular basis – but also because of my readers. =)  But a blog can only go so far… and can definitely present a skewed version of who I am. This is a sexblog after all, so I try to keep on-topic.

Sex is a big part of my life, but it’s not the be-all and end-all of who I am:

I’m a writer.

I’m curious and exploratory.

I want to travel and see more of the world.

I’m existentialist.

I like taking pictures.

I probably daydream too much.

I love the ocean.

I like art, and culture, and want to immerse myself in it more.

I like watching good live music.

When left to my own devices, I largely end up living nocturnally.

I drink too much coffee.

I have insecurity-attacks way too often.

I need to be needed.

I find myself drawn to odd, eccentric, awesome people.

Lately I’ve suffered from an unfortunate addiction to electropop.

I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.

…And, well, maybe I don’t just need to remind my readers of that; maybe I need to remind myself, too.

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