[via hckyso]

Yeah, I kind of disappeared the last three weeks or so, pretty conspicuously. Quite a bit has been going on in my life lately, to say the least, and I don't think I'll be blogging or writing reviews until things have settled down a bit:

- I just officially graduated two weeks ago! As opposed to being done with classes/requirements, but not having "walked" or received my diploma. My mother came up to visit me. It was her first time in the US or at my college. It was very interesting, and went better than I anticipated. The ceremony was... bemusing, and kind of boring, but I guess I feel glad that I experienced it.

- I moved to New York City soon after. I got a paid summer internship, and luckily one of Girl's roommates was moving out, so I moved in with her. I'm hoping to find a more permanent job so I can stay in the US / in New York longer than just the summer.

- I'm currently visiting my friends the Emperor & the Wanderer in Chicago, which has been lovely but also a little charged. I hadn't seen them in more than a year.

- About a month ago, at Zeta Mu, I met a guy who I will refer to as L. I can honestly say it was like at first sight, as unlikely and cheesy as that sounds. I had abandoned hope of anything happening between us because he was kind of seeing someone else at the time, but after we had hung out quite a bit, he decided to stop seeing her in favor of trying to pursue something with me. I had toyed with the idea of trying to "compete" for him, but ditched the idea pretty quickly, and was fully ready to just be friends. I'm happy that I did that, because now I know that he chose to do what he did because he wanted to and not because I indirectly pressured him into it. It was a difficult and sucky situation for him to have to break things off with her, and I... feel a little bad for my role in that, but then again it sounded like things with them weren't going anywhere in the first place. The only catch? He's a rising senior and I just graduated. Yeah. We decided to do the long distance thing, though, which so far is working out well. We text and talk frequently and he's already coming to visit me this week.

So... a lot has happened! I haven't even had time to fully move in yet and clean up the apartment. I start my job early July. I suppose once I've moved in I'll get back to yapping about sextoys and such.

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One of the great things about my vacation? The thrift store shopping. I bought this beautiful leather coat for $10 at a Goodwill. I feel like I'm in the Matrix when I wear it And it's warm enough to stave away the 35*F cold here!

Visiting the Actor was wonderful - it's a gorgeous city that's just at the right point between sprawling metropolis and quaint suburbs. A shoreline, superb public transport and a warm climate. My kind of city.

I didn't sleep with the Actor, the Emperor, or his gf while I was there. Not only because of it being, um, that time of the month for me, but because of other factors. The Actor's relationship with his bf is becoming more serious, which I'm as happy about. And the Emperor's and my living situations made it difficult to bring anyone home, since we were staying with friends and all.

But when I left, the Emperor wrapped me in a big, long hug and said he would keep in touch.

Seeing them all again was great. And it brought some kind of resolution that made returning to college without them somehow easier.

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In about 6 hours, I'll be on a plane back to the US.

During the two weeks I've spent at home, I met a few of my old high school friends. With some of them I could pick up from the place we left off the last time we saw each other, be it a year or a few months, and with others we found that after catching up on each other's news we had nothing left to talk about. Nothing like resorting to chatting about memories and old times to make you feel like you're no longer a part of each other's lives.

For a while I thought it was easier to stay in touch with friends when you were able to meet each other in person every now and again, but that's not entirely true. I've kept better touch with certain friends who I met and continue to interact with online, but have only met in person one or two times, than with certain friends I went to high school with for years at a time. Even though we're not in the same place, we still have loads to tell each other.

When I meet close friends again after a long period of time, I look forward to it but I also worry. About whether or not our relationship would have changed and not be as good as it used to be; about whether or not the other person had 'forgotten' about me a little bit after so long. Because forgetting inevitably happens when you don't contact each other or think about each other much.

I'm going to visit the Actor, the Emperor and his gf. The few months that we were apart, I missed them and was immensely happy about the chance to see them again, but as my departure grew closer, I almost wished I wasn't going there after all. Because if I met them again only to realize we no longer had a connection and be disappointed, I'd rather just live with the memories. Not only that, but since I'll only be with them for a few days, I know that I'll be ecstatic to see them and then very sad once I have to leave and not be able to see them again for... who knows? A few months again maybe, at best?

Now that I'm going to see them in a matter of hours, however, my excitement is back. I really really want to believe that the Actor and I will be able to preserve our unique brand of friendship no matter how much time and distance is between us. I imagine him meeting me in the airport, grinning madly at each other, talking at a mile a minute while we go back to his place, and then cuddling on his couch like a pair of lovebirds.

The Emperor? I imagine his sardonic smile, our self-satisfied snark and banter ricocheting off each other, my being able to be happy to see him without pining after him anymore, and hopefully raunchy sex that will send me into a sexcoma for several hours.

And afterwards, I'll be heading back to college. Where I'll be seeing Christopher and K again. I've missed them both to bits but I'm not exactly looking forward to dealing with the ambiguous terms that we left each other on. Things will probably be easier with K, since he's just likes to let things roll and see what happens, and I hope I can be fine with that, and not come back absolutely besotted with him or something. And despite the cyber-shenanigans me and Christopher have engaged in while I've been gone, the last time we chatted we had a long talk where he said he wasn't sure whether or not sleeping with each other again would be a good idea. I wasn't surprised - it wasn't as if I expected to just continue being fwbs just because we Gtalked each other to orgasm a couple of times. The thing is that I've no idea what I want to do when I get back, either. I don't know what I'm going to say to him. And I don't know if I'll know what I want even after getting back and seeing him in person

Crossing my fingers that things will work out okay.

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Some things are just not meant to be made public.

The first post was a series of gossippy chats between me and the Scientist - basically, he's started hooking up with the Emperor and his gf, and has almost hooked up with K on several occasions. (Hey - one fantasy fulfilled.) Personally, I found it extremely amusing that my fwbs were converging like that... Anyway, we both exchanged comments about the Emperor and his gf and agreed that they're both very amazing, hot people. The Scientist pretty much implied that he wished I was there with them so I could join the sexy mayhem. We both wondered what would happen if me, him, the Emperor and his gf were to all sleep together at the same time (conclusion: multiple small explosions). And the Scientist threw out that he wants to fuck K (and possibly other people) with me once I get back. I've definitely wanted to try cruising for people together with an fwb, but right now I really don't know what I feel about doing that with the Scientist. It might kick up way too much chaos (the negative kind) than it would be worth.

I didn't post that in the end because - well, it was a circus of a conversation. Pretty vapid and immature. It was funny to me, but probably unreadable to anybody else. The other reason was that I showed the conversation to my friend S, to ask her opinion on whether or not I should post it, and she told me that what I was talking about in the conversation "sounded unhealthy."

More on that later.

The second post was a series of hot emails between me and the Emperor. The Scientist was dirty-emailing with the Emperor but had to go offline and work, and he happened to be chatting to me at the same time, so... surprise! He "tagged" me and told me to pick up where he left off. More of me being amused. But nevertheless, I emailed the Emperor and the result was a very nice, deep, sexy conversation, which ended in him sending me a long description of how he pictured himself domming me. (He's naturally a sub, but I mentioned how I really wanted to be dommed at some point, and he said that for people he was especially close to, he could probably make an exception...)

It was a fucking gorgeous, arousing description. Beautiful, really. Pretty much exactly what I would want my first dom experience to be like. But I couldn't bring myself to post that either because... well, he doesn't know about this blog and I don't know how comfortable he would be with his words all over the internet. And those words were meant for me to read. He waited until things were quiet at work, and until no one was around, before sitting down and writing that email to me. Letting other people read it - lovely as you all may be - would... make it seem less meaningful, somehow. Less special.

Okay. Maybe just one line. One line! No more than a taste. The rest is for my enjoyment only

...bringing my arms around you, sliding my fingers lightly over your legs, tracing up your thigh, rubbing and squeezing your clit before coming in to fuck you, fingers hooked, pumping and banging against the walls of your sweet dripping pussy, all hot breath and sweat...

(Mrr... how can he make my breath stop and my body weak over email? Seriously, how?!)

Anyway - the point is that all of this has made me want to stop and evaluate what, exactly, I want to do with this sexblog. And perhaps what, exactly, I want to do with my sex life in general, but I have a feeling that the blog will be easier to deal with.

I started blogging because I had wanted to experiment with writing about sex(uality) for a while. I briefly considered filling the long-empty sex-columnist position at my college's liberal publication, but I wasn't comfortable with even the people on staff knowing who I was behind the pen-name. And I had been wanting to start a blog for some time as well so... voila. I also thought that, well, since I spent so much time talking about sex anyway, I might as well write about it instead, and give some of my long-suffering friends some peace.

But what else? I wanted to, in some sense, immortalize the people close to me and the intimate moments I shared with them. (I mean, in no way at all am I comparing myself to Shakespeare and his sonnets, but still.) Besides my own erotic experiences, I want to deconstruct relationships and queerness and kink. I wanted to present a new, fresh perspective on a subject that is already beaten to death. But what that perspective is, and why it's "new" and "fresh", I still don't know.

Blogging has helped me become more confident, both as a writer and a person. Through expressing myself and my sexuality on a regular basis - but also because of my readers. =)  But a blog can only go so far... and can definitely present a skewed version of who I am. This is a sexblog after all, so I try to keep on-topic.

Sex is a big part of my life, but it's not the be-all and end-all of who I am:

I'm a writer.

I'm curious and exploratory.

I want to travel and see more of the world.

I'm existentialist.

I like taking pictures.

I probably daydream too much.

I love the ocean.

I like art, and culture, and want to immerse myself in it more.

I like watching good live music.

When left to my own devices, I largely end up living nocturnally.

I drink too much coffee.

I have insecurity-attacks way too often.

I need to be needed.

I find myself drawn to odd, eccentric, awesome people.

Lately I've suffered from an unfortunate addiction to electropop.

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.

...And, well, maybe I don't just need to remind my readers of that; maybe I need to remind myself, too.

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