Exotic little white girl

Today, I was walking around the University' extracurricular activities fair, alone as usual, and I got sketched on by at least three guys who I had never spoken to before.

It's common to get cat-called randomly here, but no one has ever approached me or tried to get in my face before... until today. A couple of guys tried to say 'hi' to me; one of them opened the cafe door for me, which was in my walking-path but I didn't actually want to go in. "I thought you wanted to get coffee?" he said, and I said that I didn't, and after I walked away I could hear his friends laughing...

One guy, who was sitting at a table with a bunch of his friends, greeted me, and I greeted him back. After that, he followed me into the cafe (yeah, I did want to get coffee eventually) and randomly started talking to me:

[Him: Hi.
[Me: Hi...
[Him: I'm sorry, I saw you and thought you were so cute, I just had to talk to you.
[Me: Thank you...
[Him: What's your name?

We made small talk for a while. He tried to ask me for my number, and I lied and said I didn't have a cellphone, then he asked where I lived - thankfully, it was my turn to order and I did, without answering him. The cashier didn't hear me the first time, she asked me to repeat myself, and he actually repeated my order for me. We both gave him odd looks, and I repeated my order instead. A while after that he left me alone, and the cashier said:

[Her: Was he harassing you?
[Me: ...He just randomly started talking to me.

Maybe it had something to do with the clothes I was wearing - a lime green skirt that went to mid-thigh, and a fairly form-fitting top.

I guess you could say I dress in an 'ultrafeminine' way. I wear skirts a lot of the time - many of them long and flowy. (Here that's mostly just because it's too hot for pants... though women here generally wear tight-fitting jeans. I don't know how they bear it.)

Anyone who knows me well enough (or at all) knows that I care a lot about what I wear. I often get complimented on my outfits and I like to think I have a good sense of style. I put a good amount of self-definition, self-expression and self-confidence in what I wear. If I oversleep, for example, and just throw something on randomly and it ends up not looking bad, I can be in a crappy mood for the rest of the day. Or at least until I go change. Sounds pretty vain, I know.

(Random note: the airline lost my luggage so I didn't get it until a few days after I arrived here. I was stuck wearing my comfy but frumpy travel-clothes. I spent those days being in a bad mood, not really wanting to interact with people and spending most of my time reading in my room =\)

I only started investing in my outward appearance about 3-4 years ago. I literally sat down one day and said to myself "you're going to get rid of every piece of clothing that isn't 'you' and you're only going to buy clothes that you really like." Before that, I basically wore whatever, and before that, from when I was about 9-13 years old, I dressed like a boy and hated wearing skirts or anything pretty.

Most of the time, I am a very quiet person. In big groups, or when I'm meeting new people, or when I'm in a new place, I'm definitely a wallflower. Sometimes it's by choice (because I need to observe what's happening for a while before I participate, or I just don't feel like participating) and sometimes it isn't (because I feel too shy/afraid to approach anyone, or I feel uncomfortable).

I used to dislike my quiet-ness. I assumed that people misjudged, misunderstood, or looked down on me as a loner; an outsider. (A lot of the times they were doing just that.) I thought that if I at least looked good it wouldn't be as bad. I also had issues with my body back then. I still kind of do. I'm pear-shaped: chubby legs, big hips and ass, a bit of a belly, but for some reason up top I'm quite slim... and flat-chested. So clothing definitely helped with that as well.

Most importantly, clothing lets me be creative and expressive. In a sense, it's a form of identity. As a mixed-race girl, I don't really identify with any of my ethnicities, so clothing is a way to re-define myself; to distract from the skin-color.

It's ironic that my source of confidence and expression is also what allows men to sexualize me. In Islam, a woman needs to cover all of her body in order to prevent men from 'having lustful thoughts'. I've definitely read somewhere before that some cultures blame women for their own sexual harassment; saying that it's their fault for dressing so scantily or provocatively in the first place.

Dress can empower. For women who are part of cultures which seek to downplay the feminine (body, etc), dressing provocatively is a revolt against the oppressive rules and constructs of their society.

And then, because of the same oppressive rules and constructs, the men take this as a sign that the woman is sexually loose or is 'asking for it.'

I almost wish that I brought or had more 'butch' clothing. All of this unwanted attention makes me want to be less noticeably feminine.

Conversely and contradictorily, though, when that random guy followed me into the cafe, told me I was cute, and tried to chat me up, it was a bit of an ego-stroke; a sign that I had power over him.

---

Afterwards, I was walking to the supermarket with D, one of my tripmates, talking to her about what had happened. (We got cat-called at least twice on the way.) She said:

[Her: I was talking to [a Trinidadian dorm-mate] and he said that we should assume that any Trinidadian guy who talks to us is interested in us in some way. Apparently it's 'cool' to have an American girlfriend, or to date someone with fairer skin. Just like in the States... dating foreign people can be considered 'exotic.'

Granted - the dorm-mate in question tends to exagerrate. But still -

Why do we do this? People seem to either treat 'the other' with fear; or to exoticise them. And we take notice of it - throwing phrases like 'yellow fever' around; treating it like it's something unusual and worthy of special notice. And this is the States, where interraciallity and diversity are commonplace; and this is the West Indies, whose cultural history is supposed to be rich and diverse. Why, then, are we still insisting on fetishizing 'the other'?