frat life « Heartbreak Nymphomania

25Oct/094

Stress

Remember AR? This new person I've been getting to know at Zeta Mu?

He has spent the last week or so ignoring me. Or, well, at least being very distant and dismissive towards me. He talks to me if I talk to him, but compared to the cordiality we had a couple weeks ago, long late night conversations, and him being warm and greeting me whenever he saw me, this is definitely a drastic change.

I've been obsessing over this for the whole week, trying to figure out what happened, if anything.

I know, I know. I'm probably just wasting my time. Or worrying over nothing. The Professional was being really distant with me at one point and it had nothing to do with me. I'm aware that people have lives and all...

... but still, I'm pretty convinced that this is something unique to me since he's acting pretty much normally around everyone else.

It could be any number of things. I don't know him well enough to guess.

Since it happened right after we hooked up, it could be because he "got what he wanted" from me and then decided I wasn't worth his attention anymore.

Or maybe he feels awkward about it; regrets it.

Or maybe he actually really likes me but is trying to "play it cool" because that's what everyone else does here.

Maybe he's trying to be an asshole because he thinks that will make me more into him (well, I suppose it's working)...

Also, his (now ex) gf recently graduated. Maybe he was just using me to get over her and then realized that it didn't work.

Actually, after we hooked up I started being unnecessarily affectionate/touchy with him - not inappropriately so, but definitely more than before, maybe he didn't like that I was being too clingy.

And, I sent him a random angry email when I got drunk one night. Even though I apologized for it after, and I didn't even say anything specific about him, I was just venting about other stuff, he probably got upset by it or thinks I'm a crazy bitch by now.

And, a few days after we had hooked up, I went ahead and hooked up with the Professional. I'm pretty sure he saw us flirting in Zeta Mu's basement. Maybe he was hurt by that? But I don't even know how serious he was being about me. I'm so used to people here hooking up casually that I don't expect anyone to take things seriously anymore. Plus, just because I hooked up with someone else doesn't mean I'm not into him. I just don't see why I have to stop hooking up with other people when I find someone new to sleep with. And it's not like we even had sex more than once! ...Or even had penetrative sex, for that matter! Or are committed to each other in any way...

Maybe I'm being too greedy?

I mean, clearly I do like him, otherwise I wouldn't be stressing over this so much.

Why do I always fuck things up?

...Maybe I should just talk to the guy.

Filed under: angst, frat life, non-monogamy, reflections, relationships, the Professional 4 Comments

22Oct/0918

HNT: Fishnets

Part of my outfit for Zeta Mu's show/party last night... the rest of the outfit was my white combat boots and a bowler hat

Great way to kick off the big party weekend...

HHNT!

DSCN3416

DSCN3417 DSCN3418

Filed under: HNT, Uncategorized, frat life 18 Comments

12Oct/092

life update: oct 09

...No worries, I'm unpacked and fully moved in by now, but that's what my room looked like when I came back to school a few weeks ago (it's only been that short a time? It feels like ages).

Yes, I'm back in New England, after a summer of sunshine and awesomeness. It feels so odd to not be living with Sylvanus and Mina anymore, and I am missing them both. They were such lovely housemates I can't be too unhappy, though, because I'm living at Zeta Mu (the co-ed fraternity I'm a member of. It is chock full of queers ) and I love it. I had my reservations about living there - the noise, distractions and lack of privacy, for instance - but I'm so glad I ultimately decided to live there, because it's so nice to wake up, or come home after a long day, and see people I like in the bathroom / hallways instead of random people I don't know... I'm hanging out a lot more, getting to know more of the members who I've really wanted to get to know better for a while now, and I feel so much more like a part of the house.

Besides that...

I'm taking my first queer / gender studies class, and I love it. It's the only "elective" class I'm taking this term, i.e. I don't actually need it for anything, but it's my favorite class. I wish I had taken a class like this earlier, I may have not ended up majoring in English after all...
I'm going through some growing pains with my friendship with S, who is one of my best friends. Basically, we haven't been speaking for about two weeks now. I'm not quite sure what to do... We both like and care about each other a lot, but lately I've been finding our differences quite hard to reconcile
I'm a senior this year. A senior! I have to do all that scary, job-hunting shit now. I haven't even really started yet. I checked out the corporate recruiting stuff going on here, but I do not want to work at a big corporation / in business. Ideally I'm looking for something creative, or related to social justice. Or, well, something sex-positive. Working for a sextoy / sex education org. would be perfect for me, lol. Hire me, someone?

Goddess (Valkyrie): 1/2

[Press Play]

You've known her for more than half a year; and you've slept with almost everyone who you've seen in her immediate vicinity by now. Well, not everyone, but it feels like it. These were people who you weren't not attracted to, but they didn't drive you particularly crazy, either. They were... comfortable. You liked them well enough, but didn't like them so much that you'd be disappointed if they turned you down.

She was always the one you wanted the most, which was probably why you could never bring yourself to approach her. You remember seeing her dancing at Zeta Mu's disco party that one time: tall and awkwardly graceful, like a swan who hadn't quite learned how to cut cleanly through the water. The press of people made the dancehall hot, and her short brown hair was stuck to her pale skin. Sweat dripped in small rivulets down her neck. This picture will be forever burned into you mind: her shaking her bangs out of her face, glistening beads of moisture flying in the strands' wake.

She's renders your alcohol-induced uninhibition absolutely useless. You want to kiss her, tell her how gorgeous she is (the words are on the tip of your tongue), you want to do something but, as drunk as you are, you can't. You know you'd be too hurt if she rejected you.

The steps you took were tiny. You put your hand on her waist and pulled her close, moving and swaying to the music for mere minutes until the heat rushed to your face and you pulled away. She didn't follow you...

That night you desperately pulled that slightly dumpy, shy butch girl into kiss; daydreaming as she went down on you in your bed; imagining other people in her place; hating yourself for it afterwards.

Maybe, you ask yourself, you're working your way up the ladder. Screwing up your courage to finally approach her. But you know all that isn't really true.

---

It's all the Emperor's fault, really. At least that's what you tell yourself. In actual fact, you were the one who finally caved and confessed your feelings to her. Once again, it all started with one too many plastic cups of booze at Zeta Mu.

"By the way, I'm insanely attracted to you." That's what you said. And not even to her face - you texted her and then left before anything could happen.

The next day, she still hadn't replied. This was probably her way of indicating her lack of interest. You'd expected as much. Oddly, you didn't mind. But you felt immensely relieved, like a large weight at been lifted off your chest. (You realized that your desire had been sitting inside of you for all this time; clamouring so loudly you felt as though you'd burst.) She said nothing about it when she saw you next, and you both acted as normal.

...But it didn't end there, like you'd thought it would. When the Emperor came to visit, he bombarded you with questions about your "newfound" attraction. (It had been one of the first things she'd mentioned to him upon his arrival.) And then he decided that you and she would be a very good idea, so started attempting to not-so-subtly get the two of you together. (As in: telling her more about you and picking you up, unceremoniously dumping you in front of her, and announcing that the two of you should hurry up and hook up already.)

Nothing happened until two weeks after the Emperor had left. It started with a few emails. Then lunch. Then the inevitable conversations about your views on sex, hooking up, having a "fluid" sexuality, women (and how frustrating they could be). You can usually never tell when someone is interested in you, but once the "sexual & relationship history" conversation happens, that's a pretty good indicator. You felt like you were being evaluated...

To be continued...

Filed under: Erotica, Girl, Queer, drunk, frat life, journal, kinda sorta awk, relationships, the Emperor No Comments

22May/090

The Stage: Act 2

My second performance. Must have been fairly drunk by then because I can't remember everything exactly... feh.

"Perform with me!"

You haven't put your clothes back on from your last performance, and you're in the middle of dancing backstage, barefoot, in your underwear, with the rest of the membership, when the Emperor excitedly ambushes you.

You raise your eyebrows at him.

"What do you want to do? You have to give me a clear idea. I'm not going to go onstage and just... fumble around..."

"I don't know, you could strip me or something..."

Before you can say anything, a new song comes on and he walks down the runway, starts unbuttoning his shirt, then turns around, reaching his hand out towards you, unmistakably beckoning you to join him.

You shrug your shoulders - oh, what the hell - and step onto the stage for a second time as the crowd cheers.

You loosen his tie and coax it off over his head, push his shirt off his shoulders and toss it haphazardly to one side of the stage. Then comes the binder. Fuck, that thing is tight. "Just keep pulling," he says, and you do, coaxing it over his breasts, then off.

And he's pushing you to the floor, ghosting his lips down your body as you squirm - they want a show so they'll get it. When his mouth reaches your center, your back arches in earnest. All of a sudden, he's off you and pulling you back up. He keeps moving. Makes you keep moving. He's picking you up now - his strong, thick forearms must be tensing; why is that a turn on? On his first try, he hadn't gotten his balance quite right and almost falls backwards - "don't pick me up if you're going to drop me!" you yell - on his second try he's successful, and your arms wrap around his neck; legs around his waist. He holds you there and grinds against you.

You're dimly aware that a bunch of people have joined you on the runway when he puts you down. You face him, pull at his waistband, fumbling to undo his pants. Then you matter-of-factly yank them down to his ankles, and work your way back up his body, mouthing his crotch through his grey cotton boxers, closing your eyes and breathing in, continuing up between the valley of his breasts and finally giving in to the urge to kiss him. His hand comes up behind your head and you think of the crowd, there, watching you, watching your pleasure.

You hadn't kissed him for more than a few seconds and the music stops. Immediately, you jump off the stage and stand with the rest of the members. No music means no magic spell. You're starting to feel embarrassed but strangely pleased, hands coming up to cover your face. You can't believe you just did that. The fact that it was completely unplanned and honest just makes it that much more intimate, and your intimacy was just witnessed by at least a hundred fellow students...

He stays on the stage for a moment, heckling the DJ for ending the song too soon, and eventually jumps down as well. The music swells again as a new performance starts. He comes over to you and says, in your ear, "Why does this always happen?"

"What?" you asked, dazed, confused.

He takes your hand, pushes your palm against his boxers, and you can feel his softness through the thin material; feel the heat pooling there.

"I always get so turned on by you."

You can't do anything but lick your dry lips, swallow, and feel.

Filed under: Erotica, Queer, exhibitionism & voyeurism, frat life, journal, the Emperor, transgender No Comments

15May/090

The Stage: Act 1

More about my fraternity Every term, we have a "big weekend" where there are a ton of parties, events, fun activities; alums come up to visit; it gives everyone an excuse to drink (like we need another one?). A few days before each "big weekend", my frat does a runway show of sorts where people get onstage and strip, dance, perform... Anyone can participate, it's an event that's open to campus, and no pictures are allowed to be taken. It may sound kind of strange, but it can be a really fun, liberating experience.

Here's my (first) performance.

[Press play.]

You're backstage, and you're crinkling with nerves and sparkling with excitement as you watch the performances. The room is packed and everyone is shouting, cheering. You're in a black, lacy miniskirt and bright red stiletto pumps, with the remnants of red lipstick on your lips.

And then your names are announced. It's your turn to take the stage.

You walk onto one side of the narrow, T-shaped platform with K, while the other pair you're performing with takes the opposite side. Whatever nervousness you were feeling melts away in the spotlight. You and K face each other, and you run your hands from his shoulders down his body.

"Shall I take your shirt off?" he asks over the music, you nod, and your black tank top comes over your head, to rowdy cheers from the audience. Then he simultaneously unzips your skirt, and releases your cock from where it's uncomfortably tied to your thigh, and you're suddenly standing in nothing but your heels, lacy underwear, and strap-on.

The other couple is probably doing the same - the boy dropping the girl's black slacks to expose her bright red cock - but you really can't pay attention to anything else besides the mesmerizing sight of K getting on his knees in front of you and putting your cock in his mouth.

You put your hand behind his head and hold him there, watching him worship you, wishing you could see more, feel more... The other girl sinks down into the chair behind her and you mirror her actions, pulling K in between your legs and pushing his head into your lap, arching your back.

All too soon, the song is over and K is standing up. You undo one of the buckles of your harness and step out of it before you walk off, perfectionistic to the last, not wanting the audience to witness the undignity of your cock bobbing as you walk.

Backstage, K gives your discarded clothes back to you and, over the applause of the crowd, says "That was awesome!"

You just smile.

Filed under: Erotica, Gender, K, Queer, chick with a dick, frat life, journal No Comments

9May/092

Into the Woods

Or: why I love Zeta Mu (my fraternity) so much

So Zeta Mu (the gender neutral fraternity I'm a member of) does this termly thing where they reserve a cabin and a bunch of us truck on up there for a night of merrymaking. Last night was my first time going, and it was really nice - small, cosy group of people, beautiful temperature/surroundings, and a nice, low-key level of socializing.

At one point we all walked down to the nearby river and sat on a conveniently large, platform-shaped piece of rock. It was lovely: full moon covered by clouds, midnight-blue sky, the rush of water over rocks, and good company. Actually, it was the same place that I had really good outdoors-sex with K about a year ago now, and I smiled when I thought about it. Good memories, without a trace of bitterness.

It gets better. Somebody jokingly says 'skinny dipping' and, of course, K and his best friend are all over that idea, strip almost immediately, and run up the rocks a little to get into the water. I'm assuming it's too cold or whatever (um, the Northeast in the middle of the night?!) because they come back and announce that they've decided to peer-pressure the rest (8) of us to be naked with them.

Surprisingly, people start caving. It's kinda funny. I actually feel like being naked so I'm one of the earlier people to cave, until the only people left are two of the gay men who eventually give in as well.

It gets better still. After a bit of awkwardly standing around/exploring the area naked, we huddle in a circle to feel less cold, and then somebody suggests doing a bonding exercise that they learnt at X conference.

So we did. It involved doing kegel exercises and taking deep breaths, while at the same time letting out sounds if it felt right, while one or two of the 'leaders' went through a list of colors/peaceful images that we were supposed to focus on. By the end, it had built up into this big jumble of moans, grunts, contented sighs and giggles.

We were ten people of varying ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations. All of us had clearly imperfect bodies. None of the men had washboard abs, and weren't ripped in any sense. The girls were pretty heavy and had amazing boobs. The one girl who could be considered "thin" had no figure whatsoever. My breasts were clearly the tiniest out of everyone's. But the imperfections, the differences, were fascinating. Our bodies just... made sense.

We were ten people standing naked in the middle of the woods enjoying each other's closeness in a purely platonic, non-sexual manner.

And to think that two years ago, I was embarrassed about lounging about naked with my boyfriend after we had just had sex.

Filed under: K, body image, exhibitionism & voyeurism, frat life, life, reflections 2 Comments

28Feb/099

[Me:
what's also scary is that i think i've brought my
alcoholism (?) and nicotine addiction (damnit!) here with me.
what's ALSO scary is that it's only been a few days and i'm
already trying to determine whether or not i'd like to fuck
one of my tripmates, and how i can best go about it.
sigh. what have i turned into?!

[Him:
A Zeta Mu?

(Yeah, I'm way fulfilling the stereotype =p)

And I got these replies:

[The Emperor:
always.
do it

[K:
do it
1.) have a conversation
2.) find a way to bring up nudity
3.) meet at location

Aw, my sweet summer-lovers are so supportive ~

Filed under: K, Uncategorized, frat life, sexual frustration, the Actor, the Emperor No Comments

Older Entries »

This blog contains adult content.

Wilhelmina Wang. Queer, female college student with her mind lodged firmly in the gutter, seeking genderbenders, lessons in BDSM, a meaningful fuck, and a point in life.

Here's where her mind is spilled like the proverbial guts.

Protected posts: Of a more personal nature. Contact me for the password.

Follow Me: