I had pictured a spectacular hours-long session where we did everything we had ever wanted to do to each other… well, actually that sounds more like ‘hello sex’ after not having seen each other for months. And a few hours [...] No related posts. Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.]]> I’m not sure what I expected ‘goodbye sex’ to be like.

I had pictured a spectacular hours-long session where we did everything we had ever wanted to do to each other… well, actually that sounds more like ‘hello sex’ after not having seen each other for months. And a few hours probably wouldn’t be enough time for us to do all that we wanted to do to each other anyway.

‘Goodbye sex’, in reality, was 30 minutes of rushed, semi-clothed passion which was over as quickly as it had began.

But it was spectacular.

—

About a month ago, Christopher walked back to my room with me after a night of gallivanting. To inform me that he had decided to drop out of college, was going to move in with his girlfriend and focus on his writing.

I was quite unsurprised. He had taken a long personal leave from college before, and I knew his academics were dragging along, and he didn’t seem as though he was getting what he wanted from his experience here. In all honesty, I think this is the best thing he could do for himself. He will probably be way happier. And he will be doing what he really wants to do.

What followed his admission was a lot of talking, and a few tears (from me…) and hugging, and affection, that inevitably derailed into kissing and… other things.

I know I haven’t shared this – me and Christopher had continued sleeping with each other for the past term. A couple of weeks after I came back from my exchange program, me and Christopher had been out drinking together one night, and he walked back to my dorm building with me. When we reached my door, we ended up kissing in the hallway and soon he had me against the wall, feeling me up… I opened the door to my room, and after a few minutes of indecision, he came in with me.

I couldn’t talk about it before now, though I wanted to, because me and Christopher really didn’t want our friend F to know. (She reads my blog occasionally.)

—

The day before he was due to leave, he emailed both me and F asking if we wanted to meet him for dinner. F was at work then, and couldn’t come, but I was able to make it.

We hung out for about three hours or so, just walking and talking. Eventually we ended up at the highest point of campus, silently watching the sun go down.

I haven’t experienced many spiritual moments in my life, but that was one of them. Sitting in the notquitecold, with someone I cared a great deal for, and nobody else around, as the sky blazed pink and purple, thinking cliche thoughts about love and time and endings and beginnings and how neither of them really exist… (And, also, though I’m ashamed to admit it, thinking of how how he had come to this spot with his girlfriend before, I knew that, I had seen the pictures…)

After it was dark, we started making our way back to the center of campus. The ground was iced over, and I was wearing Converses, so I had to keep grabbing hold of his arm or hand to keep from slipping. We reached a dirt road and were halfway down it when he stopped walking.

“I don’t want to go yet.”

So we stood for a while. He took my hands and we pressed them together, smoothing our palms over each other and twining and untwining our fingers. Eventually he told me,

“I really liked the time we spent together. And I’m sorry… if I hurt you… and I’m afraid of hurting you even more…”

We were standing close together and for once I took the initiative and caught his lips with mine.

He abruptly started walking again, while holding on to me with one hand.

“Where are you going??”

“Um… in the direction of your dorm, it looks like. Muscle memory…”

We kept going in that direction. He was supposed to show up at his best friend’s apartment in half an hour, so called ahead saying he was going to be a bit late because he was “hanging out with friends” (riiiight…). I was touched by the fact that he had started to tear up a little and had to make an effort to keep his voice cheery on the phone…

When we reached my suite, I cracked my door open and looked at him.

“Are you sure you want to…”

Before I could finish, he rushed towards me and pushed us both into my dark room, kissing me urgently. The door swung closed and I flipped on the bright, overhead light. Soon I was on my bed and both of us were working to get my clothes off. Naked, while he was still fully clothed, I lay back as he groped and kissed my breasts, moved down my body and buried his face in my pussy.

Christopher is fucking amazing at giving head. Some of it is technique, but mostly it’s just that he enjoys it so much. His warm mouth just engulfs me and all I want is to let him go at it for hours and hours. When we’d had ‘hello sex’ a few months before, it felt like that’s what happened, and I came so much and so hard and was so deliciously exhausted even before he had put his cock in me…

He comes back up to kiss me and I start pushing at the top of his jeans impatiently with my foot. This is how it always is – he gets so wrapped up in touching me that he can’t pause even for the few minutes it takes to let me take off his pants so I can play with him too. (Part of me likes that…)

He gets off me and stands next to the bed and drops his pants. I don’t waste any time. I lick the tip of his cock before sliding it into my mouth, relishing the feeling of it filling my mouth and gently hitting the back of my throat as I work it in and out.

Soon he pulls me up.

“You’re too good at that,” he says. “I’m going to come.”

Back on the bed again. I glance at the clock. It’s been about 20 minutes.

“What do you want to do?” he asks, considerate as always.

“Um,” I say. “I really want to fuck you, I just don’t know if we have time…”

“No, we can do that.”

As I’m about to get a condom from my desk drawer, we both get waylaid again – he starts licking at my pussy and slowly pumping his small, cute, thick fingers into me. I’m dripping wet. I can feel it. I had been speaking but I drift off mid-sentence and my head rolls back and my eyes shut. We manage to coax ourselves away from each other long enough for me to grab a condom.

He lay on my bed, half propped up against the wall, shirt still on and staring at me intently with half-lidded eyes. I roll the condom on and climb on top of him. He feels so good sliding into me – he always feels good – and I move up and down his shaft for a while.

I’ve never been good at being on top. Sort of annoying really. I’m not in very good shape, and I always need to brace myself against something with my hands. So I do so.

As I look down at him he slides his middle finger into his mouth, which makes my breath catch. Christopher – and my other lovers – just look so hot when they do that. I also realize what he’s going to do with said finger. As I keep up a leisurely pace, he slowly works it into my ass and when it’s fully in I flop forward onto his chest and sigh.

I really do love anal play.

He slides his finger in and out at a counterpoint rhythm to his cock. I start to moan. And then I notice him pulling the oddest of faces.

“Are you okay?”

“Just… trying… not to come…”

I make a ‘tsk’ noise.

“Stop that. Just… let go…”

The last few words are said quietly, into his ear, almost imperceptible, but he listens to me and grabs my hips with both hands and pistons into me, hard, at a pace that I could never hope to maintain.

I watch his face as he spills into me, then nuzzle the space in between his neck and shoulder.

No time for cuddling, though. I wrap myself in a towel to run to the bathroom and grab him some tissue, and after cleaning himself up he starts hurriedly pulling on his clothes.

I look at the clock.

“Wow,” I say. “Looks like you’re only going to be a few minutes late. Not that bad at all.”

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I came so fast and I…”

I want to go into detail about how I find making him come and watching him come just every bit as hot as he finds doing the same with me, but now isn’t the time.

After he gets dressed, he unexpectedly asks,

“Do you have any alcohol?”

“What??”

“For the smell.”

“Oh. No… oh wait! Will mouthwash work?”

He takes the mouthwash from me, grabs my trashcan, gargles and then spits the mouthwash over his hands into the bin.

I’m a bit embarrassed at the thought of his hands touching things in his friend’s apartment with traces of my wetness still on them.

“Um… you might want to just wash your hands…”

He finishes getting ready to leave and cups my face for one last, hurried kiss.

—

I know that I’ll always be Christopher’s dirty little secret. (Or, well… one of them, at least.) I have a strong feeling that I’m not going to really be able to be a part of his new life because of my status as, well… the person he cheated on his girlfriend with for a long period of time.

In a sense, his girlfriend won. Yeah, like it was even a competition in the first place. She had always won – even before this ever started. That’s not been on my mind really, but it has popped up a couple of times.

Am I ever going to visit him? Fuck no. That would be as awkward as hell – not to mention invasive. Is he going to visit me, read: the college? He says he will. Whether or not our sexual relationship will continue while he’s here is still up in the air, though he’s made comments that imply that he’d like it to continue.

I hope to still keep in touch – to still be close.

His leaving is, in a way, a good thing. With him gone, I have no choice but to stand on my own two feet. To be strong for myself, purely because I know there’s no one else around who will be.

Now, the door has closed – for good, this time. But who knows what the future holds?

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K came up to me after our class, gave me a hug, and we went and had a two-hour lunch where we talked non-stop. All our interactions were very obviously platonic – I had expected as much. While I [...] No related posts. Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.]]> After getting back to college, I met K and Christopher within the first couple of days.

K came up to me after our class, gave me a hug, and we went and had a two-hour lunch where we talked non-stop. All our interactions were very obviously platonic – I had expected as much. While I had been gone, all our emails were fond and sometimes even affectionate, but definitely platonic. And during our conversation he told me all about the sexploits and heartaches he had gotten into over the past few months. I was disappointed for about five seconds, and then realized that ultimately it’s better this way. This way, I now have an awesome new friend. And I never felt that we “clicked” very well romantically or even sexually, though I’d probably sleep with him again if given the chance – now that the pressure and uncertainty have gone we’d probably be able to just play, and enjoy each other. We’ll see.

Christopher came by my room while I was hanging out with F, who is a mutual friend. My reactions were completely the opposite to when I met K. We hugged, he sat down and we started chatting with F – and I could almost see sexual tension fill the room like a particularly large elephant.

Have you ever felt that before? When neither of you are even doing anything special or suggestive, but the most normal words and gestures suddenly feel different? Like they mean something? Like legs touching, like too-long hugs, like “I’m really glad to see you,” “Were you okay last night?”… I turn the words over in my mind and they’re completely normal and mundane, so I don’t know what he does that somehow charges them with wealths of meaning

I had fully decided to not do anything rash, and let things roll and just see how things would turn out, but obviously I ended up drinking wine with the Scientist later that night, and ran into Christopher when we were visiting the frats. I still would have been able to not do anything rash, etc, except that someone pointed out to me that one of the girls we were with was ferociously hitting on him, which lead me to act quite visibly agitated, which lead Christopher to notice and start persuading me to tell him what was wrong, which lead me to say that I couldn’t tell him but I would text him instead, which lead me to send him a text saying that I wanted to ravish him, and that I found my feeling very bewildering.

Ravish. Honestly.

I have to stop doing this thing where I spill my guts over email/SMS.

He found me and said that he felt the same but didn’t know what he wanted to do about it yet. He seemed stressed and I promptly felt bad because I hadn’t needed anything from him at the time, really, I just wanted to express how I felt… I left soon after that and comforted myself that it wasn’t that bad because I hadn’t said anything different from what I had already been telling him many times over email/chat, and maybe it was better that I brought things out into the open early instead of letting them fester. At least now the tension would abate for a while, right?

Not really. I got brunch with him and the Scientist the next day and everything seemed perfectly normal until we all had to leave and he said “See you later.” At which point the tension asserted loudly that, yes, it was indeed still around and very much so.

Dammit.

—

When me and Christopher were fwbs, I always viewed myself as simply “warming the bed”. I told myself that the reason he was sleeping with me was because he was lonely and horny and his gf wasn’t around and he just needed someone. I actually asked him recently why he slept with me, specifically, and he said it was because he was attracted to me and he felt emotionally close to me.

He also said something like I wasn’t the only one who missed our non-sexual intimacy – he missed it as well. Which really confused me. Because if he could be both physically intimate and sexual with his gf, then why would he miss being that way with me?

What also confused me that I think there was tension between us even when his gf was visiting. Looking back, I remember hanging out in a big group or playing RPGs and feeling as if there was so much energy in the air. So many unsaid words.

If his gf was around, why would he want me? Was I not merely the bedwarmer? The cheap substitute?

—

S: Of course he doesn’t see you as a substitute. His feelings towards you and his girlfriend are different. You can care about more than one person.

Wilhelmina: But if he’s in a monogamous relationship…

S: No one is monogamous, it’s just a social construct.

Wilhelmina: I know, I think so too, but if you’re going to be in a monogamous relationship…

Wilhelmina: What I don’t understand is that if he says he only likes me as a friend, and is only sexually attracted to me, then what is all that other… stuff that’s there?

S: Well maybe what he says isn’t the same as what’s reality.

Wilhelmina: Well, that’s what I want to know, I want to know what he really thinks, but he won’t say, so…

S: I think you already know, you’re just trying to convince yourself that you don’t. He likes you.

Wilhelmina: Well, I’ve thought of that, but then it’s probably just wishful thinking on my part since I want him to and all…

S: I wanted to tell you something about low self-esteem. People with moderate or high self-esteem receive a compliment and it makes them feel good. People with low self-esteem receive a compliment, like someone liking them, it makes them feel good for a little while, and then they convince themselves it isn’t true because they want to preserve their view of themselves.

Wilhelmina:

—

I had been petulantly emailing with the Emperor last term. Something about my liking ‘unavailable’ people – including him. That was when he matter-of-factly told me that I needed to determine what I wanted before I could discern whether or not someone was ‘unavailable’. It was then that I realized I didn’t really want to be in a relationship with the Emperor, but I did want to be close to him.

Closeness.

I remember when I went to hang out with the Emperor, at times I would tell my friends I was going to leave to “bask in the Emperor’s presence.” Such a perfect way to put it. I just wanted to be around him, spend time with him. I didn’t necessarily want anything from him.

I think that’s how I feel about Christopher at the moment. I don’t need a relationship with him. I don’t need him to break up with his gf. I just want to… be close.

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