reflections « Heartbreak Nymphomania

2Sep/108

“Don’t look so sad, beautiful.”

...That's what some guy said to me when I was on the way home one day, around when I just moved to NYC. I think I responded by ignoring him and continuing on my way. Maybe I rolled my eyes. When I got home, I tweeted irritably about it on my vanilla Twitter account. One of my male friends from college responded thusly:

"At least he wasn't being sketchy! And he was paying you a compliment!"

Let's pick apart the above three things, shall we? - The dude's comment, my reaction, and my friend's comment.

- At least he wasn't being sketchy!

Granted, my friend was right, the dude wasn't. He didn't do anything inappropriate. He called me "beautiful", instead of something lewd and crude. I guess it was a relief that I didn't have to deal with any of that. However, I think it's an immense pity that I'm expected to feel good about not having been treated shittily. Honestly, I do often expect irritating behavior from men, and I'm refreshingly relieved when I can have a decent conversation with a random stranger without him attempting to hit on me or making me feel uncomfortable in some way. It sucks that decency is the exception, and not the rule. It sucks that I have to deal with shitty behavior, and it sucks for men to be perceived as horny skeezeballs.

- Don't look so sad

First of all, where the hell do you get off telling me how I should look? I don't even know you! Why don't you mind your own business?

Second - we were talking about this in the masculinity class I took. A girl in the class was talking about how she was stressed out and working really hard and a bunch of her male friends who saw her told her to look more cheery. She was irritated by that because, well, she was stressed out and working, so had the corresponding facial expression, and didn't see why she had to smile when clearly she wasn't in a very good mood. As a counterpoint to that, one of the guys in the class added that he was once having a very good day, so was walking around smiling. His guy friends reacted by accusingly asking "What are you smiling about?" So basically, women are expected to be expressive, pleasant, cheerful, etc, and men are expected to be emotionless, stoic, etc. Clearly, this is stupid and repressive for both parties because women can be stoic or grumpy and men can be happy or sad.

I don't smile a lot. When I'm walking somewhere, I'm usually thinking about things and so tend to look down and appear very serious. People often interpret it as upset or sad, but really it's just contemplation.

- Beautiful = compliment

And this is probably the most problematic thing of all.

Okay, yes, being called beautiful is a compliment. When I send pictures of myself to L, and he calls me beautiful, I smile and feel myself fill with self-conscious pleasure. It makes me both feel good about myself and how I look, and about him enjoying and being pleased by how I look.

However, again, the stranger thing comes into play. I care about what L says because I love him and he's a very important person to me. But when it comes to strangers calling me that, depending on the time and context I can feel anything from flattered to indifferent to annoyed. In this case, it was more annoyed, because I felt like he was using "beautiful" in the same way people use "cutie", "sweetheart", etc. As terms of endearment. From a lover? Sure, though I've never dated anyone who did the whole pet-name thing. From a stranger? They're assuming a familiarity that doesn't exist, and it comes off as condescending. It makes me feel small and petty, which I do not like. I only want people I know to call me those things. If I even let them in the first place. If I don't know you well? Call me by my name, if you know my name. If you don't know my name, then just don't call me anything at all.

Another layer: - and this is something I've talked about before. Calling me "beautiful" automatically puts my appearance first. It puts beauty ahead of intellect, personality, and, yes, humanity. Over time I've noticed that most of the ways I can up my confidence and get noticed are based on looks. For a woman, being powerful is about being a bombshell, being gorgeous. I've often wanted to feel powerful in other realms, by accomplishing something amazing or by having very intelligent comments to make. And, granted, I've done that and it was appreciated by some when I did. But that doesn't always happen. I remember having grown an immense amount as a person over my senior year, and yet upon catching up with a friend I had made during freshman year, but had become distant from, some of the only comments he could make were that I used to be so much slimmer and that I used to dress a lot better.

So, yes, being called beautiful is a compliment. But, then, it isn't always.

Filed under: feminism, life, reflections 8 Comments

9Aug/103

Cunt

Not exactly up to par with the Vagina Monologues piece, but the word is just so perfect that I can't not write an ode to it. Labels, in a sense, mean nothing, but they can also mean everything. Or anything.

This also appears to be part of a slightly grandiose and ridiculous trend with me; of putting the female on a pedestal. It's not something I really believe in... except, of course, when he is under me, calling himself my fucktoy, saying that I can do as I want with him.

I call it my cunt. C-U-N-T, cunt. Vagina sounds like a hollow vessel, a medical term for a cavity that disappears speculums and latex-gloved hands. Pussy brings to mind glitter and colors and lace. Girly. Say it: pussy. Feel your tongue curl. It's a delicate word; delicate and tasty like silk strands of pink cotton candy; like cunnilingus.

I call it my cunt when I'm fucking you with it, as opposed to getting fucked in it. I say cunt in every sense of the word: the c and t sounds spat from the mouths of hooligans in pubs, brawling, flinging the word at each other as a sharp-spined insult; whispered by lesbians under the sheets, mouths parting gently on the vowel; shrieked from the rooftops by women, shirtless, big-mouthed, and defiant.

It will draw you in, please you and make you disintegrate. It will clutch you, put you at my mercy. It will end you, and begin you.

I call it my cunt.

Filed under: Domme, Gender, reflections 3 Comments

6Aug/100

On the Popular Representation of Dommes

Transcript to come.

Accompanying Pictures:

Please, Sir & Please, Ma'am

Yes, Sir & Yes, Ma'am

Francesca Le dominating Christian in Tristan Taormino's Rough Sex

Image found via MaleSubmissionArt.com

Filed under: BDSM, Christopher, Domme, feminism, reflections, voice post No Comments

27Jul/103

A Plea for Help

[Photo via renewleeds]

I'm in a bit of a pickle.

I don't like having to whine and beg for money, help... anything, really. Especially on a blog where people come here to enjoy my writing. However, I've gotten to the point where I'm willing to try anything, so I'm pulling out all the stops.

If you follow me on Twitter, you've probably read me whining about my current visa/job situation. To summarize: I'm a UK citizen, and have been living in the US for four years, as I was attending college here on a student visa. I just graduated from said college, and I'm currently completing an internship that lasts until the beginning of September. Basically, I need to get a "real" job by then. "Real" as in non-temporary, and requiring higher education, i.e. nothing menial like being a dishwasher or waitress, though I'd be perfectly willing to do something like that to get by, if I were allowed to. I also need to get hired by a company that's willing to shell out a couple of thousand dollars to sponsor my work visa. If I get a job, hence the visa, after October 2010, the visa doesn't go into effect until Oct 2011. Which means I'll be forced to leave the country for a year. (Although, my current visa, which is student-work-experience, is good until December, provided I'm interning or volunteering somewhere.)

I probably don't need to state that, because of all this, I'm under quite a large amount of pressure.

In many ways, I feel like the US is my home now. My friends are here. I believe that there is more freedom here, compared to my hometown (Hong Kong), for me to do what I want to do, i.e. pursue artistic expression and find communities to support me in that, to be queer and sex-positive and kinky and involved in causes that are important to me... Hell, a few weeks in New York resulted in more new acquaintances and social opportunities than months in Hong Kong. And the clincher: I'd have to be away from L for a year, and we'd only be able to see each other after months at a time, if that. Being forced to leave all the other stuff? That would be upsetting and saddening, but having to leave L would be... gut-wrenching.

So what I'm asking is for... anything you might have that would help. If you know of any resources regarding companies that often hire internationals, or any companies that are hiring in general, or any words of advice on how I could deal with this... If you need to know more: my background is in English, publications & writing, and clearly I have some knowledge of web-stuff. I'd prefer to be in Communications and to stay in the North East, but really don't care what field I end up in or what area I end up in at this point.

Thank you all so much.

Filed under: Friends & Lovers, L, life, reflections, relationships 3 Comments

22Jul/103

Jitters

L is coming to visit tomorrow, and I'm a little scared.

I'm also immensely excited and happy, but that doesn't mean I can't be scared as well, right?

L & I have explored so many things together - in every respect, but I'm focusing on sexuality, here - and the more we explore, the more I feel as if a certain momentum is building. Also, it seems the further we go, the more likely a D/s aspect is going to come into play. L is in no way or form a submissive, and neither am I with him, not all the time. And in terms of our personalities and our relationship, there isn't a clear person who is "in charge." I quite like it that way. Nevertheless, sooner or later, in the bedroom, I'm going to end up bossing him around.

Upon pondering his visit, I find possibilities & imaginings flitting through my mind, hence a sneaking insistence that I can't not try them now that I know that I can. I mean, presumably. It's much easier to simply fantasize about things without attempting to enact them. Without becoming a reality, they're infinitely filmreel pristine perfect. Also, being the one who wants to do nasty things to the other, well, not to state the obvious, but you kind of have to be the one to come up with the plan. I have a good idea of what he likes; of what he wants me to do with him. But even so, I'm preoccupied with silly little grievances like: I don't have a cane, where can I get a cheap cane? And will that particular one work? I want to bend him over the end of the bed and tie his ankles to the bed's feet, but my bed is lame and doesn't have feet, it only has wheels located closer to the center, how will I get around that? And, most importantly: what if he ends up not liking what I'm doing? What if I fuck up?

Being a switch (and yes I've finally decided to claim switch) can be really irritating. I know that he wants me to hurt him, that he wants me to control him... That he's taken audio files of himself jacking off because he wants me to listen to him & know what thinking about me does to him. I know all this. But I still haven't quite managed to tap into that raw energy that I know is there; to tap into the desire to see him marked up and prone and open and willing to do whatever (within reason) I tell him to. My conflicting desire to have him do those things to me sometimes interferes. See: my last post. He's not the kind of person to lay there and take whatever I dish out; he reacts, he grabs me, makes me hurt. And instead of fighting, like half of me wants to, I typically give in to what the other half wants, which is... to give in.

The thought "maybe I'm not really dominant" enters my mind, even though I know that that's just silly. There is no right way to do something... as much as I know that, I'm intuitively inclined to think that there is, and that I'm not fitting it.

Even though I'm worrying about this, I know at the end of everything, I'll simply listen to me and to him and to what we want; and that even if my plans don't work out, we'll have copious amounts of rough sex anyway and it will all be fine and dandy.

Edit: As always, after writing about something that preoccupied me, I find that I'm not thinking about it as much and not even sure why I was so worried about it in the first place. Ah, the therapeutic powers of writing.

Edit again: After the initial psychological nail-biting... exercising my creativity on this is quite... satisfying and amusing. I was envisioning possible things I could do with my room, and with items I could easily get from pharmacies and hardware stores and laying out situations in my head. Weighing what action would cause what effect. It was like composing an outfit or a writing piece, only better.

Filed under: BDSM, Domme, L, angst, learning, reflections, switch 3 Comments

9Jul/104

Stop with the fucking victim-blaming already.

I'm not typically one to respond to other blog posts, or share my opinion on social issues here. However, a certain post just makes me too angry to not say anything; and, I suppose, unfortunately was written at the same time that I've been experiencing frustrations surrounding this issue in my daily life:

If your body is being groped, used, assaulted, grabbed, handled or otherwise touched without your permission [...] it would seem that you are doing something to provoke it. [...] The average person doesn’t get touched on a daily basis [...] No woman deserves to be treated like a whore, however is she happens to be wearing the uniform….

This post was written in response to Britni, who wrote about her upsetting harassment at a bar, where she was humped and almost penetrated without her consent. What shocks me is that the response I quoted is on a blog that is written by a woman, and someone who I perceived as sex-positive, until now. She didn't write the post herself, but put it on her site so I assume she agrees with the overall sentiment enough to post it, which is just as ridiculous.

I've refrained from writing about rape culture and victim-blaming because I feel that everything worth saying has already been said, and there's little that I can add to the conversation. However, it blows my mind that so many people just aren't getting it: the rapist/harasser is the cause of the rape/harassment. The victim may have made some bad decisions, but that didn't cause the violation, and it was not the victim's fault. The only person who caused it to happen, and who should be blamed for it, is the violator.

Why is that so difficult to understand?

So many of the posts and comments I've read about this issue have just been assertive re-iterations of the same message due to, it seems like, the large amount of schmucks out there who aren't willing to open up their minds and attempt to comprehend what is being communicated to them.

A few days ago, a man groped my ass in the middle of the street. I was going home, drunk and alone, from a party at 2 a.m. Thinking back, I shouldn't have gone home alone. I shouldn't have gone home that late. Those actions were contrary to my own common sense, and to what any friend or family member has ever advised me. But that hardly matters. What matters is some guy came up to ask me the time, actually blocked my path when I tried to avoid him, and then grabbed me. I didn't notice him as I walked up to him, but when he came to speak to me I realized he had been loitering in the shadows next to one of the buildings, and had probably waiting for someone to walk past him so he could do that.

On the other hand, I was wearing a sundress - nothing that showed a lot of thigh or cleavage - and still had good motor coordination so didn't look obviously drunk. I was walking the mere three blocks from the subway to my apartment. And both of my (female) roommates had assured me that the neighborhood was safe and that they had both walked back late at night with no trouble. While I've just moved to the area, they have been living here for a year already.

I think that anecdote makes it obvious that none of the details of the event really mattered. I just had the bad luck to run into that guy.

I don't even know why I'm bothering to address the claim that victims might be to blame. Really I shouldn't even be dignifying it with a response, but it's clear that some people need some kind of counter-evidence.

I was talking to the Inventor about this, and he compared victim-blaming in rapes and assaults to victim-blaming in traffic accidents. Someone died in a car crash? Shit, they must have been driving too fast. They probably weren't careful enough. That couldn't happen to me. Basically: people blame the victim because it gives them the illusion that they can somehow control what happens to them. If they're careful enough, they won't get raped or involved in a traffic accident.

Well, you know what? It's a scary thought, but it could happen to you. Nothing you do will change that. If you happen to run into a horny asshole who doesn't give a shit about other peoples' feelings and personal space, and if you don't have the ability to defend yourself, it might happen to you.*

The bottom line is that it's pointless to point at the victim and somehow try to make them to blame. They aren't. The victim did not cause the violator to violate them. The violator chose to do what they did, and they should face the consequences and take responsibility for their actions. I have no fucking idea why so many people think that they deserve pity, coddling, and enabling. They don't.

* Note: Not to say that I believe you should engage in risky behavior just for the hell of it. If you know a certain area is dangerous, it's probably a good idea to avoid it. What I'm trying to say is that even if you take precautions, that doesn't mean you're 100% immune to danger.

Further Reading:

- Rape Prevention Tips and Victim Blaming

- It is not your fault

- Stop Street Harassment

Filed under: feminism, life, reflections, the Inventor 4 Comments

25Jun/102

life update: june 10 (mini-hiatus)

[via hckyso]

Yeah, I kind of disappeared the last three weeks or so, pretty conspicuously. Quite a bit has been going on in my life lately, to say the least, and I don't think I'll be blogging or writing reviews until things have settled down a bit:

- I just officially graduated two weeks ago! As opposed to being done with classes/requirements, but not having "walked" or received my diploma. My mother came up to visit me. It was her first time in the US or at my college. It was very interesting, and went better than I anticipated. The ceremony was... bemusing, and kind of boring, but I guess I feel glad that I experienced it.

- I moved to New York City soon after. I got a paid summer internship, and luckily one of Girl's roommates was moving out, so I moved in with her. I'm hoping to find a more permanent job so I can stay in the US / in New York longer than just the summer.

- I'm currently visiting my friends the Emperor & the Wanderer in Chicago, which has been lovely but also a little charged. I hadn't seen them in more than a year.

- About a month ago, at Zeta Mu, I met a guy who I will refer to as L. I can honestly say it was like at first sight, as unlikely and cheesy as that sounds. I had abandoned hope of anything happening between us because he was kind of seeing someone else at the time, but after we had hung out quite a bit, he decided to stop seeing her in favor of trying to pursue something with me. I had toyed with the idea of trying to "compete" for him, but ditched the idea pretty quickly, and was fully ready to just be friends. I'm happy that I did that, because now I know that he chose to do what he did because he wanted to and not because I indirectly pressured him into it. It was a difficult and sucky situation for him to have to break things off with her, and I... feel a little bad for my role in that, but then again it sounded like things with them weren't going anywhere in the first place. The only catch? He's a rising senior and I just graduated. Yeah. We decided to do the long distance thing, though, which so far is working out well. We text and talk frequently and he's already coming to visit me this week.

So... a lot has happened! I haven't even had time to fully move in yet and clean up the apartment. I start my job early July. I suppose once I've moved in I'll get back to yapping about sextoys and such.

Filed under: Girl, L, life, long distance, reflections, relationships, the Emperor, the Wanderer 2 Comments

23May/100

Gravitation

[via My Lonely Hearts Club]

gravitation. n. movement, or tendency to move, toward a center of attractive force, as in the falling of bodies to the earth.

It doesn't have to take more than a glance. You can tell almost immediately. Not love at first sight; rather, the recognition of potential. Or: desire.

How is it that you know this about a person so quickly? ...It doesn't matter. You must react to it. You owe it to yourself, and to whatever arcane forces in your head or in the air that's causing this to happen.

---

This is more a reminder to myself than anything. For the second time in a handful of months, I discovered a connection to someone, but didn't take action quickly enough. It's a little frustrating when you know the only reason you're not with someone right now is because somebody else got there first...

At the same time, I'm almost happy enough knowing that the potential is there but it isn't going to turn into anything. A little self-denial is probably good for me.

And, anyway, I'm enjoying the tension.

Filed under: intimacy, love, reflections, relationships No Comments

10May/105

Presence & Acceptance

... are the two things that I want the most right now, from a lover. Or from anyone I'm close to, actually.

This post is made up of edited excerpts of an email exchange I've been having with the Emperor. I'm just sharing it here because I'd like to see if anyone has an opinion on it, or had experiences similar to this they wanted to share. I think I want what everyone in this world is looking for, in some shape or form.

---

I am a very lonely person. Today, I was thinking about how it's been ages since I was next to someone and felt like they were fully there with me. Completely present in every fiber of their being. Lately, I've been very aware of being in the same room - same bed with someone, even - and feeling such distance. And thinking that it's not so much that we're there with each other, than it is that we both happen to be in the same place at the same time. Right now, I don't feel like anybody is so much a part of my life, or me a part of theirs, than we are simply bystanders of each other's lives.

I also want very much to let people close to me. Really let them in. It's hard first of all to find someone to trust with that much of myself, and then there's the issue of feeling like I'm forcing lots of baggage on someone. It's a weighty act for the other person to be able to see me else completely. I would imagine it to be an unwanted burden many times.

I was talking to Sir a while ago, and he said something like, "it's no good to have a partner you can't unleash yourself on." And for me that applies to close friends or close... anyone, as well. I want someone to just be able to take and accept me in all my ridiculousness, but I end up feeling guilty for not filtering myself in case they won't be able to handle it.

More and more, I'm realizing the intimacy that comes from the power, violence and extreme acts that constitute BDSM. I've had little tastes of it, and want so much to experience it with someone on a deep level, but have no idea how to find it.

I want to meet someone and look at them and think: I know you. And to look at them and realize they're thinking the same thing. That we understand each other without having to say anything; that we are the same.

Filed under: BDSM, intimacy, life, reflections, relationships, the Emperor, the Inventor 5 Comments

21Apr/101

Claiming (4/4): A Postscript on Power

This is a series I started a while ago, around October 2009, but never finished. It's kind of stale now so I don't want to continue it. I wrote this post as a planned ending, and I'm posting it now because I think it's important for me to say it, though I didn't actually write the rest of the planned posts. Also, it's less awkward to post this now that I'm not seeing someone else.

Read part 1, part 2 and part 3, if you want.

[a scene from the movie Secretary]

I believe that if you have an interest in D/s, power probably has some sort meaning in your life.

Of course, power effects everyone in some shape or form. It underlies every area of life. But if you're into D/s, it's different.

Power means something special to you.

Well, at least, it means something special to me. I'm fascinated by it. I write about it, both in erotica and regular fiction. And sometimes I crave it. Crave to at least pretend that I have it, that I have power over something or someone else. Crave for it to be taken away from me and given to someone else.

Power says something about me - about my personality. About my background. About the experiences that formed the person I am today.

I'm not saying I'm some kind of rape or assault survivor. Nothing as severely damaging as that. Much less harmful. Some things, that I don't even understand enough to talk about here, aren't harmful at all.

But still. Doesn't have to be big to be meaningful.

---

While I was doing those things for Sir, I felt familiar emotions come over me. Familiar, but not the same as I remember. You see, I've been in a number of emotionally abusive friendships in my lifetime, in the sense that I was too giving, and they were assholes who took advantage of it. At least three of my closest friends were people who also demanded a lot of me.

Best Friend #1 would criticize me for very small things, intensely and spitefully enough that it made me terribly upset. That's when I started scratching myself. She got me to do things for her, like help her with her homework, keep her company, wait for her when she had things to do after school, but at a detriment to the things I had to/wanted to do for myself. And she would get really angry if I said I couldn't do them. I was friends with this person for four years. I think it's a large reason behind why I struggle so much with having low self-esteem now. We still actually keep in touch, although our friendship dynamic has changed: now she treats her boyfriends like shit, not me.

Best Friend #2 was very needy. He had a lot of issues to work through. For a while it was almost like I was his counselor/personal assistant. I'd wake him up and try and get him out of bed if he asked me to. I stayed up late with him when he wanted me to (I think the latest I stayed up with him was until 8am on a school night). I talked through his schoolwork with him when he was having trouble with it, and skipped social events I wanted to go to for him. This friendship was unlike the first: I really don't believe that he purposefully set out to hurt me. I think he was just going through a very bad time and really needed someone to be there. And another difference: this time I tried to struggle. Sometimes I'd try to turn my back on him, but he made me feel so bad about it and guilt-tripped me so badly that I ended up giving in anyway.

The bottom line, though, is that a large part of me very much enjoys, and needs to, help the people I care about and do things for them. They were being selfish, but in a way I was being selfish too, because I needed to be needed. I like being needed. Often, I care more about the things I'm doing for other people than the things I'm doing for myself. (Which I know is not healthy - I need to care about myself too, just as much as anyone else I love, and I am getting better and better at doing that.) But I made it too easy for people like #1 and #2 to take advantage of me. I didn't take care of myself enough. I let that be their responsibility instead of my own - and so they walked all over me.

I felt myself falling a little bit back into that mindset with Sir. Wanting intensely to do exactly what he wanted me to do, feeling anxious when I wouldn't be able to. But it wasn't exactly the same as before: it was better. It was so, so much better. Some people still mistakenly believe that BDSM is abuse - it's really not. With Sir, I didn't feel panicked or scared or sad. On the contrary, the experience made me feel happy and fulfilled. The few times that I started to panic about not being able to do something, Sir realized this and calmed me down. He took my feelings and my needs into consideration every step of the way. In many cases, it was more like Sir was doing things for me, giving me chances to indulge in the fantasies that I had, instead of the other way around.

Most importantly, I chose to submit to him. I wasn't forced to. It wasn't like he threatened to end our friendship if I didn't do this with him.

Consent and consideration. A person who says s/he's a "dominant" and ignores those two basic principles is a dick in dominant disguise, or else a really bad dominant.

Filed under: BDSM, Sir, bottom/object, in retrospect, intimacy, reflections, relationships, sex 1 Comment

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Wilhelmina Wang. Queer, female college student with her mind lodged firmly in the gutter, seeking genderbenders, lessons in BDSM, a meaningful fuck, and a point in life.

Here's where her mind is spilled like the proverbial guts.

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