I'm also immensely excited and happy, but that doesn't mean I can't be scared as well, right?

L & I have explored so many things together - in every respect, but I'm focusing on sexuality, here - and the more we explore, the more I feel as if a certain momentum is building. Also, it seems the further we go, the more likely a D/s aspect is going to come into play. L is in no way or form a submissive, and neither am I with him, not all the time. And in terms of our personalities and our relationship, there isn't a clear person who is "in charge." I quite like it that way. Nevertheless, sooner or later, in the bedroom, I'm going to end up bossing him around.

Upon pondering his visit, I find possibilities & imaginings flitting through my mind, hence a sneaking insistence that I can't not try them now that I know that I can. I mean, presumably. It's much easier to simply fantasize about things without attempting to enact them. Without becoming a reality, they're infinitely filmreel pristine perfect. Also, being the one who wants to do nasty things to the other, well, not to state the obvious, but you kind of have to be the one to come up with the plan. I have a good idea of what he likes; of what he wants me to do with him. But even so, I'm preoccupied with silly little grievances like: I don't have a cane, where can I get a cheap cane? And will that particular one work? I want to bend him over the end of the bed and tie his ankles to the bed's feet, but my bed is lame and doesn't have feet, it only has wheels located closer to the center, how will I get around that? And, most importantly: what if he ends up not liking what I'm doing? What if I fuck up?

Being a switch (and yes I've finally decided to claim switch) can be really irritating. I know that he wants me to hurt him, that he wants me to control him... That he's taken audio files of himself jacking off because he wants me to listen to him & know what thinking about me does to him. I know all this. But I still haven't quite managed to tap into that raw energy that I know is there; to tap into the desire to see him marked up and prone and open and willing to do whatever (within reason) I tell him to. My conflicting desire to have him do those things to me sometimes interferes. See: my last post. He's not the kind of person to lay there and take whatever I dish out; he reacts, he grabs me, makes me hurt. And instead of fighting, like half of me wants to, I typically give in to what the other half wants, which is... to give in.

The thought "maybe I'm not really dominant" enters my mind, even though I know that that's just silly. There is no right way to do something... as much as I know that, I'm intuitively inclined to think that there is, and that I'm not fitting it.

Even though I'm worrying about this, I know at the end of everything, I'll simply listen to me and to him and to what we want; and that even if my plans don't work out, we'll have copious amounts of rough sex anyway and it will all be fine and dandy.

Edit: As always, after writing about something that preoccupied me, I find that I'm not thinking about it as much and not even sure why I was so worried about it in the first place. Ah, the therapeutic powers of writing.

Edit again: After the initial psychological nail-biting... exercising my creativity on this is quite... satisfying and amusing. I was envisioning possible things I could do with my room, and with items I could easily get from pharmacies and hardware stores and laying out situations in my head. Weighing what action would cause what effect. It was like composing an outfit or a writing piece, only better.

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If your body is being groped, used, assaulted, grabbed, handled or otherwise touched without your permission [...] it would seem that you are doing something to provoke it. [...] The average person doesn’t get touched on a daily basis [...] No woman deserves to be treated like a whore, however is she happens to be wearing the uniform….

This post was written in response to Britni, who wrote about her upsetting harassment at a bar, where she was humped and almost penetrated without her consent. What shocks me is that the response I quoted is on a blog that is written by a woman, and someone who I perceived as sex-positive, until now. She didn't write the post herself, but put it on her site so I assume she agrees with the overall sentiment enough to post it, which is just as ridiculous.

I've refrained from writing about rape culture and victim-blaming because I feel that everything worth saying has already been said, and there's little that I can add to the conversation. However, it blows my mind that so many people just aren't getting it: the rapist/harasser is the cause of the rape/harassment. The victim may have made some bad decisions, but that didn't cause the violation, and it was not the victim's fault. The only person who caused it to happen, and who should be blamed for it, is the violator.

Why is that so difficult to understand?

So many of the posts and comments I've read about this issue have just been assertive re-iterations of the same message due to, it seems like, the large amount of schmucks out there who aren't willing to open up their minds and attempt to comprehend what is being communicated to them.

A few days ago, a man groped my ass in the middle of the street. I was going home, drunk and alone, from a party at 2 a.m. Thinking back, I shouldn't have gone home alone. I shouldn't have gone home that late. Those actions were contrary to my own common sense, and to what any friend or family member has ever advised me. But that hardly matters. What matters is some guy came up to ask me the time, actually blocked my path when I tried to avoid him, and then grabbed me. I didn't notice him as I walked up to him, but when he came to speak to me I realized he had been loitering in the shadows next to one of the buildings, and had probably waiting for someone to walk past him so he could do that.

On the other hand, I was wearing a sundress - nothing that showed a lot of thigh or cleavage - and still had good motor coordination so didn't look obviously drunk. I was walking the mere three blocks from the subway to my apartment. And both of my (female) roommates had assured me that the neighborhood was safe and that they had both walked back late at night with no trouble. While I've just moved to the area, they have been living here for a year already.

I think that anecdote makes it obvious that none of the details of the event really mattered. I just had the bad luck to run into that guy.

I don't even know why I'm bothering to address the claim that victims might be to blame. Really I shouldn't even be dignifying it with a response, but it's clear that some people need some kind of counter-evidence.

I was talking to the Inventor about this, and he compared victim-blaming in rapes and assaults to victim-blaming in traffic accidents. Someone died in a car crash? Shit, they must have been driving too fast. They probably weren't careful enough. That couldn't happen to me. Basically: people blame the victim because it gives them the illusion that they can somehow control what happens to them. If they're careful enough, they won't get raped or involved in a traffic accident.

Well, you know what? It's a scary thought, but it could happen to you. Nothing you do will change that. If you happen to run into a horny asshole who doesn't give a shit about other peoples' feelings and personal space, and if you don't have the ability to defend yourself, it might happen to you.*

The bottom line is that it's pointless to point at the victim and somehow try to make them to blame. They aren't. The victim did not cause the violator to violate them. The violator chose to do what they did, and they should face the consequences and take responsibility for their actions. I have no fucking idea why so many people think that they deserve pity, coddling, and enabling. They don't.

* Note: Not to say that I believe you should engage in risky behavior just for the hell of it. If you know a certain area is dangerous, it's probably a good idea to avoid it. What I'm trying to say is that even if you take precautions, that doesn't mean you're 100% immune to danger.

Further Reading:

- Rape Prevention Tips and Victim Blaming

- It is not your fault

- Stop Street Harassment

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[via hckyso]

Yeah, I kind of disappeared the last three weeks or so, pretty conspicuously. Quite a bit has been going on in my life lately, to say the least, and I don't think I'll be blogging or writing reviews until things have settled down a bit:

- I just officially graduated two weeks ago! As opposed to being done with classes/requirements, but not having "walked" or received my diploma. My mother came up to visit me. It was her first time in the US or at my college. It was very interesting, and went better than I anticipated. The ceremony was... bemusing, and kind of boring, but I guess I feel glad that I experienced it.

- I moved to New York City soon after. I got a paid summer internship, and luckily one of Girl's roommates was moving out, so I moved in with her. I'm hoping to find a more permanent job so I can stay in the US / in New York longer than just the summer.

- I'm currently visiting my friends the Emperor & the Wanderer in Chicago, which has been lovely but also a little charged. I hadn't seen them in more than a year.

- About a month ago, at Zeta Mu, I met a guy who I will refer to as L. I can honestly say it was like at first sight, as unlikely and cheesy as that sounds. I had abandoned hope of anything happening between us because he was kind of seeing someone else at the time, but after we had hung out quite a bit, he decided to stop seeing her in favor of trying to pursue something with me. I had toyed with the idea of trying to "compete" for him, but ditched the idea pretty quickly, and was fully ready to just be friends. I'm happy that I did that, because now I know that he chose to do what he did because he wanted to and not because I indirectly pressured him into it. It was a difficult and sucky situation for him to have to break things off with her, and I... feel a little bad for my role in that, but then again it sounded like things with them weren't going anywhere in the first place. The only catch? He's a rising senior and I just graduated. Yeah. We decided to do the long distance thing, though, which so far is working out well. We text and talk frequently and he's already coming to visit me this week.

So... a lot has happened! I haven't even had time to fully move in yet and clean up the apartment. I start my job early July. I suppose once I've moved in I'll get back to yapping about sextoys and such.

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[via My Lonely Hearts Club]

gravitation. n. movement, or tendency to move, toward a center of attractive force, as in the falling of bodies to the earth.

It doesn't have to take more than a glance. You can tell almost immediately. Not love at first sight; rather, the recognition of potential. Or: desire.

How is it that you know this about a person so quickly? ...It doesn't matter. You must react to it. You owe it to yourself, and to whatever arcane forces in your head or in the air that's causing this to happen.

---

This is more a reminder to myself than anything. For the second time in a handful of months, I discovered a connection to someone, but didn't take action quickly enough. It's a little frustrating when you know the only reason you're not with someone right now is because somebody else got there first...

At the same time, I'm almost happy enough knowing that the potential is there but it isn't going to turn into anything. A little self-denial is probably good for me.

And, anyway, I'm enjoying the tension.

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This post is made up of edited excerpts of an email exchange I've been having with the Emperor. I'm just sharing it here because I'd like to see if anyone has an opinion on it, or had experiences similar to this they wanted to share. I think I want what everyone in this world is looking for, in some shape or form.

---

I am a very lonely person. Today, I was thinking about how it's been ages since I was next to someone and felt like they were fully there with me. Completely present in every fiber of their being. Lately, I've been very aware of being in the same room - same bed with someone, even - and feeling such distance. And thinking that it's not so much that we're there with each other, than it is that we both happen to be in the same place at the same time. Right now, I don't feel like anybody is so much a part of my life, or me a part of theirs, than we are simply bystanders of each other's lives.

I also want very much to let people close to me. Really let them in. It's hard first of all to find someone to trust with that much of myself, and then there's the issue of feeling like I'm forcing lots of baggage on someone. It's a weighty act for the other person to be able to see me else completely. I would imagine it to be an unwanted burden many times.

I was talking to Sir a while ago, and he said something like, "it's no good to have a partner you can't unleash yourself on." And for me that applies to close friends or close... anyone, as well. I want someone to just be able to take and accept me in all my ridiculousness, but I end up feeling guilty for not filtering myself in case they won't be able to handle it.

More and more, I'm realizing the intimacy that comes from the power, violence and extreme acts that constitute BDSM. I've had little tastes of it, and want so much to experience it with someone on a deep level, but have no idea how to find it.

I want to meet someone and look at them and think: I know you. And to look at them and realize they're thinking the same thing. That we understand each other without having to say anything; that we are the same.

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Read part 1, part 2 and part 3, if you want.

[a scene from the movie Secretary]

I believe that if you have an interest in D/s, power probably has some sort meaning in your life.

Of course, power effects everyone in some shape or form. It underlies every area of life. But if you're into D/s, it's different.

Power means something special to you.

Well, at least, it means something special to me. I'm fascinated by it. I write about it, both in erotica and regular fiction. And sometimes I crave it. Crave to at least pretend that I have it, that I have power over something or someone else. Crave for it to be taken away from me and given to someone else.

Power says something about me - about my personality. About my background. About the experiences that formed the person I am today.

I'm not saying I'm some kind of rape or assault survivor. Nothing as severely damaging as that. Much less harmful. Some things, that I don't even understand enough to talk about here, aren't harmful at all.

But still. Doesn't have to be big to be meaningful.

---

While I was doing those things for Sir, I felt familiar emotions come over me. Familiar, but not the same as I remember. You see, I've been in a number of emotionally abusive friendships in my lifetime, in the sense that I was too giving, and they were assholes who took advantage of it. At least three of my closest friends were people who also demanded a lot of me.

Best Friend #1 would criticize me for very small things, intensely and spitefully enough that it made me terribly upset. That's when I started scratching myself. She got me to do things for her, like help her with her homework, keep her company, wait for her when she had things to do after school, but at a detriment to the things I had to/wanted to do for myself. And she would get really angry if I said I couldn't do them. I was friends with this person for four years. I think it's a large reason behind why I struggle so much with having low self-esteem now. We still actually keep in touch, although our friendship dynamic has changed: now she treats her boyfriends like shit, not me.

Best Friend #2 was very needy. He had a lot of issues to work through. For a while it was almost like I was his counselor/personal assistant. I'd wake him up and try and get him out of bed if he asked me to. I stayed up late with him when he wanted me to (I think the latest I stayed up with him was until 8am on a school night). I talked through his schoolwork with him when he was having trouble with it, and skipped social events I wanted to go to for him. This friendship was unlike the first: I really don't believe that he purposefully set out to hurt me. I think he was just going through a very bad time and really needed someone to be there. And another difference: this time I tried to struggle. Sometimes I'd try to turn my back on him, but he made me feel so bad about it and guilt-tripped me so badly that I ended up giving in anyway.

The bottom line, though, is that a large part of me very much enjoys, and needs to, help the people I care about and do things for them. They were being selfish, but in a way I was being selfish too, because I needed to be needed. I like being needed. Often, I care more about the things I'm doing for other people than the things I'm doing for myself. (Which I know is not healthy - I need to care about myself too, just as much as anyone else I love, and I am getting better and better at doing that.) But I made it too easy for people like #1 and #2 to take advantage of me. I didn't take care of myself enough. I let that be their responsibility instead of my own - and so they walked all over me.

I felt myself falling a little bit back into that mindset with Sir. Wanting intensely to do exactly what he wanted me to do, feeling anxious when I wouldn't be able to. But it wasn't exactly the same as before: it was better. It was so, so much better. Some people still mistakenly believe that BDSM is abuse - it's really not. With Sir, I didn't feel panicked or scared or sad. On the contrary, the experience made me feel happy and fulfilled. The few times that I started to panic about not being able to do something, Sir realized this and calmed me down. He took my feelings and my needs into consideration every step of the way. In many cases, it was more like Sir was doing things for me, giving me chances to indulge in the fantasies that I had, instead of the other way around.

Most importantly, I chose to submit to him. I wasn't forced to. It wasn't like he threatened to end our friendship if I didn't do this with him.

Consent and consideration. A person who says s/he's a "dominant" and ignores those two basic principles is a dick in dominant disguise, or else a really bad dominant.

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You're single now.

You do not have to care about where he is, who he's with, or what he is doing. You do not have to uphold his values, do things that please him, or work on fixing the things he thinks are problematic about you. (Not unless you want to, of course.)

You do not have to ignore your lust for other people, thrust your kinky urges under the rug, or wonder if he'll care about whether or not you strip down to your underwear at one of Zeta Mu's parties. You do not have to wait around for him, call or check up on him, or sucker yourself into spending large amounts of time with him, while sacrificing time that could be spent socializing or with friends.

You do not have to care that he likes you better 10 pounds lighter, or that he likes it when you wear girly clothes. You do not have to worry about whether or not you'll offend him by calling him out on his shit, or bluntly disagreeing with him.

You do not have to take his future plans into consideration when you make plans for yourself. You do not have to give any part of yourself over to him or let him have possession of it.

You do not have to care for him any more than you want to, or are comfortable with.

---

On the other hand...

You're alone now.

You will not depend on him, expect to be the center of his attention, or expect him to be a refuge you can run to. You will not think like you are part of a unit. You find him attractive, you like cuddling with him, but there's no meaning behind any physical act you might have, except for affection and maybe lust. When you come home, you will greet him like a roommate and a friend.

You will remind yourself that your relationship was good in its way, but not satisfactory or fulfilling, and that you're better off as friends. You will remind yourself that he really did like you, and things didn't work because you weren't right for each other. He didn't replace you with somebody else. You will remind yourself that he cares about you, just not in the way that you're searching for.

You will support and be there for him as a friend, just as he's doing for you. You will encourage him in resolving his problems because you want him to be happy. If he gets what he wants, you will be happy for him.

You will be all you need. You will focus on yourself; you will work on getting fit and dress up and be industrious and work on your own projects and hang out with friends and have fun and plan your future. You will look forward to leaving here because what comes next will be adventurous, new, and exciting... and you'll have no baggage holding you back.

Photos via zhenikeyev.

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Yesterday at Zeta Mu meetings, this Japanese girl showed up. She was gorgeous. Slim, stylish, with a fierce attitude.

I wanted to look like her.

Don't misunderstand me. I think I look pretty gorgeous too. But seeing her reminded me how jealous I sometimes am of people who come from just one culture.

I'm quite a chameleon. People have asked me if I were Egyptian, US-American, Greek, Trinidadian, Colombian (or some other kind of Latin American; I get that one a lot), Japanese, or a Chinese/White mix. When I'm in a new place, I find myself trying to blend in. My accent shifts depending on who I'm talking to: mostly American here, more British when I talk to my family, and more Cantonese-ish when I talk to my friends from home. One of my online friends once called me a self-made chimera. When I do express myself, it's usually though clothes or the media I consume/create. Or it's through personality traits, like being introverted, or interests. My cultural background rarely comes into play in outward expression.

Sometimes it can be pretty cool. But other times I get tired of being misread as something I'm not, and tired of the inevitable flurry of questions that ensue after I reveal where I'm actually from. (How come your English is so good? Wait, if you're not Chinese then what are you? What brought you to the States?)

Granted, I know that many people have a mixed heritage, especially people in the States. And even with people from one culture - it's not like everyone can tell exactly where they're from sometimes. If you're not from that part of the world, inevitably you'll find it more difficult to pick out intricacies, and might mistake someone from one country for someone from another. Heaven knows I can't tell which kind of European people are most of the time just by looking at them. And then, even if people can tell where you're from, then you might get subjected to stupid stereotypes or overly simplistic observations of your country's culture. I get irritated as well when people actually perceive my heritage, but then proceed to make stupid assumptions about me based on it when they have no idea what they're talking about.

I don't feel like I particularly fit with any of the cultures I'm from. If I had to pick one, though, I would identify the most with Hong Kong. I grew up there. I spent 19 years of my life there. And while I interacted with a mixture of people, including Indians, Filipinos and British people, I spent most of my time around the majority - Chinese people. I find myself trying to uphold typical Hong Kong values even though I knew I didn't have to since me and my family weren't from that culture. I've been conflicted about what my life's path is going to take for a long time because I really want to write and do something artistic/creative, but I should be doing something practical that will earn me lots of money and a good life. I feel the need to take care of my parents financially and contribute to the family now that I'm an adult. I feel ashamed when I fuck up in public because I feel like I'm losing face. I mostly speak indirectly instead of bluntly, I still think tooting your own horn constantly (something people in the States have to do a lot to get recognition, jobs, etc) is kind of arrogant, and I'm preoccupied with notions of respect and politeness. And I only recently started judging my looks from other perspectives besides the Hong Kong standard of beauty that I was used to.

None of these things I picked up from my family. Of course, these values are problematic much of the time because they clash with the more Western parts of my mentality, as well as my personal wants and beliefs.

Sometimes I wish I looked Chinese because I feel like its cultural impact is a large part of who I am. That's why when I see East Asian women sometimes, I think that's how I'm supposed to look. Not to mention that looks is a large part of why I don't think I'll ever be accepted as "Chinese" by the rest of the Chinese community. My looks make it completely evident that Chinese-ness is not in my blood.

It's kind of like how I wished I looked more obviously queer so people would stop automatically assuming I'm straight.

In the end, though, my envy or want to look like something I'm not, dissipates. I know if I didn't look like me, eventually I'd just be weirded out by it. This is who I am - and part of what makes me me is that I'm mixed-race. I'll just have to put up with all the annoyances, and blessings, that that carries.

Life is more interesting this way, anyway.

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[Press Play]

So, me and J broke up.

Most of my friends (online and offline) and family have reacted with surprise, and for good reason: this all seems very sudden, but in fact it has been a slow build-up that started from the moment we got together.

I had my doubts. As did J, but about slightly different things. I was graduating in June, and the likelihood of any relationship lasting beyond that, via long distance, was low. The relationship would have to be pretty fucking solid. I didn't really expect to suddenly find someone like that during the last few months of my college career, so I wasn't planning for the long-term. Any relationship I was going to have would automatically have an expiration date, unless something drastic happened to change my mind.

Concerning J specifically, our relationship had its own issues. I wasn't passionately in love with him, and we had a few glaring incompatibilities (and some glaring similarities) that would probably cause dissatisfaction in the future, and we were both going to be unsettled for the next few years. Despite all that, he made me happy, and I grew to like him so much that I really, really wanted things to work.

We had numerous conversations about these things, but ended up deciding to wait until June to decide whether or not to stay together beyond that. We probably weren't going to, but thought that spending a few months together would be enjoyable and good for the both of us.

He'd asked me to move in with him in a moment of impulse and passion, and I said yes. Ironically, after I moved in, it became apparent that things weren't playing out how I hoped they would. We ended up treating each other more like good friends than a couple, and he told me he'd come to feel as much towards me. He told me that part of the problem too was that he hadn't fallen in love with me, and didn't think he would. And to make things even more complicated, two of his exes are still on campus, with whom he still has somewhat confusing relationships. He'd tell me how pressured and troubled he was by his relationships with them, and I'd want very much to be supportive, but would feel too jealous and angry. I distinctly felt like I had already lost him as a significant other. Because he didn't "want" me and because his romantic feelings weren't focused on me, I felt like everything was already over. I was lonely. I came home once or twice and just lay in bed and cried for hours.

And yet we were still dating.

We finally broke up when I told him how upset I felt by feeling as if I'd lost him but not being able to deal with it because we were still "together."

So now I guess we're good friends who also live together, are emotionally/physically intimate, and have sex. We've agreed that if one of us hooks up with or goes on a date with somebody else, we'll let the other know.

Personally, I think us living together is working out fine. Things might be difficult once one of us gets together with somebody else. It's not like one of us will get into another serious relationship, but something casual is definitely a possibility. I'm interested in a couple people, but I don't know if I even want to bother trying to initiate anything with them. The most I can hope for is casual sex, and right now that sounds pretty pointless.

On the plus side, we're still there for each other. And now that I'm not dating him, I feel less ire at his exes. I'm starting to feel nonchalant when he talks about them. Or sympathy towards him. I hope he works things out with them, because it's obvious that there are still some feelings there.

If nothing awful happens, we'll stay good friends after we both leave here, since we both still like & care about each other a lot. I'm glad that I got to know J, and I'm glad I've gained his friendship, though I lost him as a partner.

In the end, I came to see our relationship as an oasis. Both of us had had many hurtful past experiences, but we then we met each other, and we were good to each other. I can't speak for him, but my time with him healed me.

"There is a storm in the distance / The wind breathing warning of its imminence / There is a lighthouse five hundred yards down / You and I will be safe there / Love, you are foolish, you're tired / Your sleeplessness makes you a liar / The city is burning / The ocean is turning / Our only chance is the lighthouse" - Lighthouse by The Hush Sound

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