My Failed Search for Intimacy

Or: Why this blog is named "Heartbreak Nymphomania"

Note: I've decided to give Cute-Tripmate an actual title. So from now on I'll be referring to him as the Atlantean. Yes, like the underwater city.

So I mentioned a couple of chat-posts that I didn't end up publishing for various reasons... but today's post is my chat with S. So, yeah, instead of getting the gossippy/hot chats, you get the rambly, self-reflective one. Ha!

But no, seriously, I feel that what me and S talked about was pretty important. It gave me a lot to think about. Thank goodness for friends who care about me enough that they can give me the reality checks that I so desperately need.

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S: i worry that you think about sex too much. i worry that you have been caught up in the whole hookup thing. you spend so much time and effort on this that i don't know how you fit anything else in. i feel like you really need to sit down for a few minutes and think about what you want and what all of this means in terms of your larger life.

Wilhelmina: you're right, i think about sex a shit ton. probably about half of my thoughts drift to sex. and this really is nothing new at all, you probably just haven't heard me talk about it as much as i do now. to me, sex isn't just a nice thing to have now and again, it's almost like a quota to be filled. and it means many different things to me. it's a way for me to communicate with and understand another person, and a way to feel wanted and paid attention to and desired. but you're right, it probably does take up a lot of my time. and just like everything else in life i need to moderate it somehow.

Wilhelmina: maybe what's different now is that i'm drifting into realms that i've never touched before, with the whole queer thing and BDSM thing. and the whole sexblogging thing, too. so i guess that comes with a fair bit of novelty or excitement. and there's so much to explore, that it probably gives me more to think about.

Wilhelmina: well, okay. i actually think i've been thinking about sex a lot less these days. well, besides the whole Scientist gossip thing. the Scientist is a huge slut too if you haven't noticed. i think he's even hornier than i am.

S: i know he is, but i think you're willing to go along with it. people around you do it a lot just for the hookups, and i think you're starting to buy into that.

Wilhelmina: yeah. lately i've been able to do stuff with people i don't feel anything for. i almost think that hooking up with people and being able to not be emotionally attached to them is a good thing. it makes you so much less vulnerable. i mean, i've figured out that having sex with people i'm not attached to isn't fulfilling, and i don't like it. but i wish i could. i hate that i have sex with my fwbs, and then fall for them, and i end up being this emotional person who falls for people and then is sad because i can't be with them. it's just so stupid. if i could emotionally detach myself it would be nice and uncomplicated.

S: no, people always fall for other people. it just means you have feelings. you're supposed to be vulnerable to the people you hook up with. otherwise you don't get anything out of it. why would you want to emotionally detach yourself?

Wilhelmina: well, because bringing emotions into it makes everything messy. it means that i get into a threesome with Christopher and F, and watch them do stuff to each other, and feel depressed. or watch the Emperor's girlfriend fuck him and then cry after they've both fallen asleep. if i hadn't been in love with either of them i could just go through with the sex, enjoy it, and that would be it.

S: someday you will fall for someone who is single. you want a monogamous relationship with someone, that's why you feel hurt when you watch Christopher with someone else, or the Emperor and his gf together.

S: you just tell me things like "I feel lonely," "I worry that no one will ever love me," "I don't feel like girlfriend material." and then, I feel like that drives you to hook up more and more, and it becomes less and less about the emotion involved. and then you feel worse and worse about yourself, and you feel like hookups are all you're good for and that no one will want you for anything more

S: like i said, i always thought there was a real emotional connection there with your fwbs, and it was way more than just a hookup. and now you need a hookup just to have a hookup, and you look around for acceptable people, like the Atlantean and Tobago-Guy

Wilhelmina: something has changed. i've definitely done the casual hookup thing here, and i don't like it. it feels so empty and pointless and frustrating. i feel like i might have something special with the Atlantean, but every time we hook up, his roommate is involved too and it's really awkward. and i do need to have someone, because if i don't i'm sexually frustrated and needy and that's just pathetic, and i start throwing myself at people. so the solution is to either get over it, or to find someone i can get rid of all my neediness and horniness with.

S: can you be not-needy without having someone? i feel like this goes back to the dependent personality thing that you showed me in sophomore fall. i feel like it might be really healthy for you not to need someone, anyone, to be happy.

Wilhelmina: i think so too. i feel like i don't need to be in a relationship anymore, which is a good thing. i could be happy with a close, affectionate, physical relationship like i had with the Actor. what i've missed so much here is to just have someone to hug and cuddle with and lay in bed with, not even sexually. and maybe i'm trying to find a cheap substitute by hooking up. i know i am, actually. partly why i kept sleeping with the Scientist, way after it stopped meaning anything and i stopped feeling anything, was that i just wanted someone to be close to and lie next to and hug and touch, and the sex was just something that happened to go along with it.

Wilhelmina: all i want is to curl up in somebody's arms and feel safe and loved and needed and desired. and feel our hearts beating next to each other. and it's silent but we know what's going on through each other's minds because we're so closely connected

S: i understand completely. i really do. i actually thought something similar to that. i feel like that's exactly what you're looking for. and you find anyone to fill that need, which doesn't necessarily work. it depends on the person you're hooking up with.

S: i feel like you found what you wanted with Christopher.

Wilhelmina: and the Emperor. we were so on the same wavelength. it was awesome. so i did find it. but both of those relationships were... i don't know what they were. unqualifiable.

Wilhelmina: i was so disappointed when Tobago-Guy ended up being emotionally distant from me. i wanted us hooking up to lead us to being closer, but that didn't work out, and it sucked. how do normal people go about getting closeness, then?

S: haha, normal, your favourite word. well, i think a lot of girls are really physically close the same way that you were with the Actor. like girls on my study abroad spoon all the time, they're always on each other's laps, hugging, tickling each other nonstop, etc. i feel like you could have that but can't seem to be able to remove the sexual connotation.

Wilhelmina: i'm so confused by myself. i don't know what i want. i feel like i need all this affection and stuff that normal people don't need from their friends. or they need it but they can get it from anybody.

S: not true. i need it too, as do most people.

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I hate that this appears to be a classic case of the mislead girl who casually hooks up but what she really wants is a cosy monogamous relationship. Which isn't true, because I don't want a cosy monogamous relationship, I just want intimacy. I definitely believe that people can be single and do the casual hookup thing and be perfectly happy and healthy, I just... am not one of those people, unfortunately.

I probably will end up doing the casual hookup thing at least a few more times more, just out of curiousity. And I think that I could enjoy casual hookups now and again, but that can't be all I have. I'll end up needing more. Having no relationship with somebody outside of hooking up? I couldn't deal with that for very long.

Just like I told S, I used to wish I could be someone who was emotionally detached. Instead, I've mostly been the person who assigned special feelings to sex, while the person I was with probably just saw what was happening as nothing more than another hookup. And I used to wish it could be the other way around. I used to wish that I could be the person who didn't care.

But now I don't think that anymore. I imagined a world where everyone was detached and casual, and it wasn't a very pretty world at all.

So okay, maybe I'm clingy and fall in love too easily and care too much about the people I care about. I've complained to the Actor about being 'too clingy' many many times, and he always told me he didn't think it was a problem at all. And maybe he's right. Maybe people like me need to exist. Maybe that I love too many and too much is really a good thing.