Heartbreak Nymphomania » non-monogamy

Examining My (Conflictingly) Poly Self

Wilhelmina Wang — Tue, 24 May 2011 11:11:17 +0000

I know that I’m poly, to some level.

I call myself “theoretically polyamorous,” as in, I know that I’m capable of being being attracted to or in love with multiple people at once, but I don’t put it into practice in my life, i.e. in a practical sense, I am monogamous.

There are many reasons for this. When I think about how I act when I’m dating someone, it takes enough time and energy to just do that with one person that I can’t imagine putting equal time and attention on even more people. Also, contradictorily, I can be quite jealous and possessive. I need the person I’m with to be very focused on me and for me to be “#1″ in their romantic life. I know polyamorous people have to deal with jealousy, as well, but I don’t even want to explore poly as an option because I’m afraid that the negative results will end up largely outweighing the positive.

Recently, I started becoming attracted to another guy here. I thought about talking to L about opening up our relationship – not even so we could date other people, but just to engage in casual sexual relationships – but I felt uncomfortable with even that. I know L would be up for it because he doesn’t want to “restrict who I am” – but I don’t want him to do it for that reason, I want it to be something he is interested in doing as well. I also know that if he did something with another person I might end up panicking over it, and I don’t think it would be fair for one of us to be doing things with other people but not the other. I’d need to deal with my jealous feelings first, or find a better way of coping, for an open relationship to even be an option.

L knows about all this, and basically told me he didn’t care that I felt attracted to someone else; that it was normal. He was more bothered by my mentally beating myself up over the attraction than the attraction itself.

Anyway, what ended up happening was that for a while I treated the guy with a combination of wanting-to-get-to-know-you friendliness, antagonism, and trying very hard to not take any notice of him at all. Eventually I decided it would be better for me to spare the poor man my nonsense, and cease all contact with him except brief, cordial greetings when I ran into him.

—

Besides the thing with this guy, there have been other perplexing things that have happened; my feeling desire due to seeing some people engage in rope play – people I wasn’t even attracted to usually (perhaps that just means I have a real fetish for rope play); and, with a handful of people I know, not wanting to date them, have sex with them, or engage in any other sort of sexual activity with them, but wanting to form a very strong emotional bond with them (perhaps that’s just close friendship and I’m misinterpreting it as something else).

Maybe if I could just find words that describe these things, it would be enough of a solution.

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Wait, what? Really?

Wilhelmina Wang — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:12:51 +0000

Apologies in advance to twitter friends and other friends who I’ve been talking about this incessantly to, already. You’re probably fed up of hearing about it ^^; This will probably be the last I’ll be saying about this for now.

via Sarai Woah Photography

So… I have an announcement to make. Of sorts.

I am currently a taken woman.

Yep. That’s right. The Heartbreak Nympho is off the market (!)

Nobody could be more surprised than me, I think. It’s ironic because I had pretty much written off my senior year as a bust. I’d given up looking for anyone I could possibly date, I’d already exhausted the Zeta Mu pool, and I’m graduating this year anyway so I basically resigned myself to being single until graduation. It hasn’t been to bad – I flirted online, hooked up now and again, but with no one new, made out with people on dance floors, got sexually frustrated and lonely now and again, got jealous when the Professional would hook up with other people (seriously, he is the very definition of “slut”. His face should be under the word in the dictionary. Which is fine and all, but not when I’m one of the people fucking him, with me being as possessive as I am). Basically, I was comfortably accustomed to, and happy with, being a single woman.

Clearly, this is when life decides to throw a relationship right into my lap.

I first met J when I was a freshman, in passing, but I met him again this term at somebody’s room party, since he was there with someone I knew. We said hi, we started talking, and pretty much instantly hit it off. A few days later he sent me this very cute, kind of awkward email asking if I wanted to get coffee. So we did. And then he asked if I wanted to get dinner. So we did. Throughout all of this, it’s pretty obvious to me that he has a crush on me, but my feelings are still ambivalent, or rather I’m not expecting very much to come of it, so I just let things flow.

But I began warming up to him. It was pretty difficult not to And then we were in my room watching Old Boy one night (fucking awesome movie, btw. Not really date material, it was my choice though, oopsie, but it’s still a great movie) and… things all went downhill from there

I know this sounds like a really, really typical story. Boy meets girl, they go out on a few dates, they solidify the relationship… but you have to believe me, it is such a relief, such a refreshing change, from what I’ve been experiencing up until now. People don’t go on dates at my college. They don’t. Me and my friends have bitched to no end about how people are perfectly fine with getting wasted and making out with each other in a frat basement, but if you even so much as attempt to ask someone you like to – gasp! – get dinner with you, suddenly it’s super awkward. And, while I’ve enjoyed the lovers I’ve had over the past couple years, I really was looking for a “proper” relationship, and instead I experienced all manner of bizarre sexual set-ups. It just gets a bit tiring after a while.

So… basically, me and J are dating now. And I don’t think I deserve him on so many levels. He’s super intelligent. When we’re hanging out and talking the hours whip by. He’s one of the nicest, most gentle and considerate guys I’ve met, and he has been nothing but good to me. (I mean, he cooked for me, for goodness’ sake! o.O)

Of course, there is a spanner in the works. (There always is.) Turns out that J is an extremely monogamous person. If you’re at all familiar with my blog or tweets at all, it should be pretty obvious to you that I’m… well… not. Right now, my ideal relationship structure would be a deep, intense, committed relationship, but it would be open, with us being free to have casual sex with other people, so long as we communicated everything to each other. I already know that’s not going to happen here. I knew this would happen eventually – that I would get into a relationship with someone and I would have to try and reconcile the crazy, exciting sexual journey I’ve been on with the new relationship: discovering my kinky side, discovering that I’m pretty much polyamorous and could “do” a poly relationship, if I wasn’t as insecure and possessive as I currently am. Besides the monogamy question, I have no idea what he thinks about BDSM. I also haven’t told him about this blog yet.

How typical that a nice boy like J would end up with a raging pervert like me.

I’d be lying if I said I was super into being monogamous. Just because I’m dating J doesn’t mean I don’t desire other people. I still do. I’m not one to want to hook up with every random, hot person who crosses my path, but there are at least 1-2 people here who intrigue me and who I would love to sleep with if given the chance. (And it would probably pain me to get that chance now and know that I couldn’t take it.) And I still think about trysting with my old lovers, like Girl, and the Optimist, who I might be visiting at some point. (Or not, if I wouldn’t be able to control myself…) And giving up my sexual connections with them is a big deal for me.

On the other hand, though, with some of my other lovers, knowing that I can’t sleep with them anymore actually lifts pressure off of my shoulders. It’s kind of nice to just interact with the Professional and the Scientist, knowing that we’re just friends and that I don’t have to care whether they hook up with other people or not (as they obviously would. The Scientist is as big of a slut as the Professional is). It’s nice socializing with people as friends without my using sex as some kind of social lubricant (ha ha) or way of bonding with them. (More on this later.)

Basically, I don’t want to insist on sleeping around when I know it’s going to make J upset, or if he isn’t going to put up with it. Maybe in the future things will shift more to my liking, but I’m not holding my breath. And for now, I’m going to do things the way he wants to do them. Giving up sexual connections with other people for this, for something I’ve been wanting for such a long time now, seems like a small price to pay.

This is a big change in my life. But it’s a change that I’m very happy with

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Want

Wilhelmina Wang — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 16:01:08 +0000

I’ve been writing so much less lately… Finals week – two more days and it will all be over and I can go back to having a life…

[via Bend Me Over]

Yesterday, me and my friend AQ were “studying” together – read: procrastinating on our laptops and chatting – and she was telling me about some of the frustrations she was having with her boyfriend.

“I just want to be worshipped,” she admitted sheepishly.

She also asked me what my ideal relationship/person would be. I had been discussing something similar with Christopher – we were trying to decide what kind of person I’m typically attracted to. After considering the people I’d been with, we came up with – powerful/in a position of power, charismatic, nerdy, shy, cocky, and capable of bantering. (…)

Really, that doesn’t say very much. And as F says, humans prefer to see patterns where patterns might not really exist.

So what do I want?

I want…

I want someone who I can be good friends with.

I want an open relationship.

I want to be in a triad.

I want to be intensely wanted, and shown just how much I’m wanted.

I want to be loved.

I want someone who will clean for me as I stand nonchalantly in the doorway and curtly tell them that they’re doing it wrong (when that may or may not be true).

I want someone who I know would be alright with me calling them at 4am if I’m upset. (Even though I might never actually do that, knowing that it would be OK is enough…)

I want space.

I want someone I could spend entire days (and nights) with.

I want someone who will throw me down and fuck me breathless.

I want someone who will tie my hands behind my back, blindfold me, turn me on with their words and then proceed to do what they described.

I want someone who will let me shove them up against a wall and bite, scratch and otherwise mark them.

I want a man who will worship my cock with his mouth and then turn around and let me do him from behind.

I want to exchange teasing, snark and sass that will shift inevitably into flirting and back again.

I want comfortable silence.

I want stimulating conversation.

I want someone with a sexy mind/intellect.

I want to giggle as they perv on other people and not feel any need to be jealous.

I want us to both have other lovers and to be able to talk about it in great detail.

I want androgyny.

I want someone who is strong and impetuous… but gives up control in the bedroom.

I want to be paid attention to.

I want…

Fuck. I don’t know what I want, do I?

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