Coming into Queerness – Toybox

Some updates: Recently, F (Phage) stumbled upon this blog, and I told Christopher about it, too. A bit relieved since now I don't have to worry about privacy issues, since he says writing about him is okay =) Edited Adventures in Digital 1 so it's slightly longer. Will also be internet-less until Sunday.

This post continued from here.

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Being with K opened so many things up for me.

K helped me determine that I actually was pretty fucking queer. He helped me determine that I was - not bisexual, not heteroflexible - but pansexual. And he helped me realize just how attractive I found androgyny. (Not entirely a surprise, considering my high school celebrity crushes and fascination with pretty anime-boys...)

Being with K also lead to many 'firsts' as well. Walking back to the cabin at 3am for him to suddenly ask, "hey, do you want to swim in the river?", stripping down to nothing, and submerging my shivering body in the swirling water. Lounging and walking around his room naked, and being completely comfortable with my nakedness. Using sex toys.

Especially using sex toys.

Much like any other horny college-aged person, I masturbate. However - I pretty much only used my hands, the internets, and an active imagination. I didn't even do the grind-against-a-pillow thing until a couple months ago.

So one night, when K nonchalantly pulled out a box of dildos and strappy-looking things, I almost fell over.

He showed me how the wrist restraints worked; running belts through them and tying the belts in turn securely to other stationary items. Strap-on harness (I was extremely interested in the harness) and how the dildo fit; how there was a pocket at the back where a vibe could slide in. And then he grinned at me and said "For later... when we have more time."

"Later" came that weekend, when us and a couple of his other friends drove into the woods to spend the night at one of the college-owned cabins. The sun was setting by the time we got there. We (i.e. K, since the rest of us had no idea what we were doing) lit the oil-lamps, started a fire outside, and set some pasta down to cook on the stove inside the cabin.

The night is gorgeous and fun. The sky is full of stars, nothing is around us except the trees... and we sit around the fire and drink and talk and laugh for hours... K drums and we randomly sing Christian songs (for some reason me and K both know a ton. Yay for Christian families...).

The weed and the gin make me talkative and giggly and affectionate. If K's friends didn't know 'something was going on' between us, they definitely do now. I lean onto him, nuzzle him and kiss his cheek...

Eventually, I go inside for more booze or something, and K makes some excuse to come with me. We kiss, grope each other playfully and his hand ends up down the back of my jeans. "We'll have to find a way to sneak off later," he tells me.

Later. "Later" is when we're all about to go to sleep and K says that we want to go 'for a walk.' We walk with a flashlight. Everything looks (and feels) surreal. The flashlight gives everything a white glow and random details stand out to me in my hazy state - the bright white of a mushroom, the sensuous squish of mud on my now-bare feet. He leads me over rocks and tree roots and I hear the familiar rush of a river. I gingerly pick over the rocks on the bank and we find a smooth, flat surface. He has his messenger bag with him, pulls a towel out of it and lays it down. And then pulls out the strap-on.

I almost fall over again.

We mess around for a bit, and soon he asks if we can use the toy. I stall... nervous.

[K: *asking if I'd want it used on me or to use it on him*
[Me: Um... Probably on me, first, since I wouldn't know what to do... *secretly wants to use it on him but won't say*
[Him: What? You just have to do this a lot *makes humping motions*

I laugh at him and realize... he wants me to fuck him.

[Him: You might have to take your pants off for this...

He guides me through it, like he guided me over the rocks... He shows me how to pull it over my legs and adjust the straps so it fits. I decline the vibe. I don't want to be distracted. And then I'm on top of him, sliding a lubed hand into him. I want to get to it as soon as possible, before the nerves take over...

[Him: Whoa, hold on! You have to make love...

(Such a K thing to say ~ ) I guess I'm being too eager. I go back to kissing and rubbing him and soon I'm grasping the phallic object between my legs, this time, and lubing it up. The dildo is neon blue, and long, and thin, and zigzagged. It feels interesting sliding between my hands. Merely wearing the strap-on is an odd egostroke (and no, no penis envy, goddamnit!).

And then I'm easing into him; feeling the pressure give way as his lips part and let the dildo in; hearing him draw in a deep, satisfied breath. I find a purchase for my feet and knees and hands on the rock and start pumping. I move with my whole body - my legs, my pelvis. It's more complicated and difficult than I expected.

[Him: Listen, you can lay on top of me, you just need to move your hips...

I do that but the thrusts feel too shallow, so I move, move... trying to find the 'right' position. At some point he exclaims "oh, a shooting star!" and in my alcohol-addled mind, that's extremely funny, and I floomp on top of him and start laughing.

[Him: Hey... don't stop!

K's gasps and almost-joyful mantra of yes, yes, and the heady feeling of pumping into him are insane. They almost make me forget the soreness that's building up in my muscles. (Guys - I easily see how sex is such a workout for you, now. Whoa.) K can tell that I'm tired and he tells me to stop, and flips us so I'm laying down. Then he sinks down onto the dildo, and rides me.

I rest my hands on his hips and watch his body move in the scant starlight. Listen to him pant and gasp and murmer under his breath. Feel him come.

He lies on top of me. Asks if he's too heavy, but he isn't at all. His wiry body is slim and soft and he rests comfortably on top of me.

[Him: Did that turn you on?
[Me: ...Yes. Very. It's such a fucking... power trip!
[Him: *laughing* I know, right??

We talk more and he rolls off me. I take the harness off, and I fidget. Yes - I was extremely turned on by what we did. And I couldn't wait to do it again. But at the moment... I needed him to get me off. And I ask him. Hesitant and embarrassed.

[Him: Oh... you should have said something earlier!

(To me, the odd thing about K is that he's such a verbal and expressive person, but nonverbally seems to be a lot more restrained, and picks up on much less...)

He reaches into my underwear and has me coming in a matter of minutes, just by teasing my clit with his fingertips... didn't even have to pull my panties off. I gasp, and my body arches, and I clutch at him, digging my fingers into his shoulders.

We walk back to the cabin and share sleeping bags - using one as a 'sheet' and one as a 'blanket' and fall asleep coiled around each other.

The next day, after we get back to campus, I'm extremely happy and giddy... We spend the rest of the day together, as well. The day after, he leaves for his two-week long trip... and I'm left to process all that had happened. We had spent masses of time together throughout the short space of a week, and I had yet to determine what that meant.

He wouldn't use the dildo on me until he came back... or the wrist restraints. But more on that later, perhaps =)