Heartbreak Nymphomania » wanking

The Wonderful World of Slashfic and Yaoi, and How it Informed my Awakening Sexuality

Wilhelmina Wang — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 16:22:34 +0000

Or: The “Porn” I consumed as a 14-year-old.

Disclaimer: I don’t profess to be an expert on this topic. As with practically everything else on this blog, it’s all drawn from my personal experience, and the examples I’m giving are in no way representative of the fandoms as a whole, since there are millions of works out there and I’ve probably read a tiny handful of them, cumulatively. Yaoi and slashfic culture are also, really, two separate things, but I’m addressing them at the same time here because I had pretty much the same relationship to both. I was/am primarily a consumer of these works and never really participated by commenting or posting on forums or anything like that. In short: if you want a Yaoi 101 or Slashfic 101 or heavily researched analysis of either, you should probably look elsewhere.

I can’t remember the exact event that marked when I first started to become a sexual being. I do know that it started when I was 14. Sure, I had had sexual thoughts before then, but they were quick and fleeting and I had no idea that they were sexual at the time. No: 14 was the year that I became aware of my sexuality and started thinking about it in a coherent way. It was when I fell in love for the first time, got over my homophobia, realized that I was bisexual, and started consuming pornography or erotica.

Except I didn’t look at porn videos and pictures online, or at smut mags. No, my porn came in forms that some may consider unexpected: manga and fan fiction.

Yes. I used to be (and still sort of am)… a yaoi fangirl.

For those who don’t know: yaoi, shounen-ai, slash and Boy’s Love are all terms for pretty much the same thing¹ – media created and consumed primarily by women that features gorgeous boys who make out with each other a lot. They range from fluffy and innocently romantic to raunchy and plotless, but most of them incorporate the characters’ dynamic and build up emotional tension so that the sex scene is 100x more delicious when it finally happens.

How it all Began

I found my first slashfic by accident on Fanfiction.net. I was skimming through the Harry Potter section and didn’t know any of the slash jargon used in the story descriptions,² so I ended up reading a steamy twincest scene between Fred and George Weasley.

At first, I was shocked by what I had read. I felt like I had done something bad and forbidden, and I didn’t understand how anyone could write things that were so awful and wrong. Of course, soon enough the guilt turned into fascination, then thrilled, then not being able to get enough. This was around when I started getting into anime, as well, so I started reading slashfic based on anime series I liked – sometimes even before I had finished watching the series themselves. I discovered Adult Fanfiction and Media Miner and fan archives and started downloading original yaoi manga from scanslation directories like Aarinfantasy. Sometimes, during the weekend, I stayed up really late – often somewhere between 3 – 7am – consuming slashfic for hours after everyone else had gone to bed, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing what I was doing.

Discovering yaoi and slashfic was like discovering a buffet of impossibly beautiful boys who I could mix and match together to create an infinite amount of new and exciting flavor combinations.

Doujinshi of Heero Yuy & Duo Maxwell from Gundam Wing. Possibly one of my most favorite yaoi pairings of all time³. Pictures via 1x2x1.org.

I never masturbated when I looked at yaoi. At that point I didn’t know how to. I attempted “masturbating” only once: while laying in bed, without fantasizing about anything, I put one hand inside my underwear and pressed it against myself. Nothing happened. Exasperated, I decided that masturbating must be overrated. I didn’t try masturbating again until three years later, when I started dating and had a better idea of what to do.

I didn’t masturbate, but I of course got pleasure from what I read. These warm, fuzzy, exciting feelings built up towards a fever pitch and I’d go to bed thrumming and content. There was this one time where I’m pretty sure I read myself to orgasm – I reached a climactic point in one story after at least a couple of hours of reading, and I shuddered as my eyes widened and liquid fire spread all the way through me.

The Context: a Catholic, All-Girl’s Secondary School

The backdrop to all this was a primarily Catholic, all-girl’s secondary school, i.e. middle and high school. We never interacted with boys. We didn’t have any male friends. Going on dates was completely out of the question, let alone experimenting with sex.⁴

I never spoke about my fascination with my friends. I didn’t want them to think I was strange. It wasn’t that we never talked about sex – we did. But we never talked about doing it, wanting it, fantasizing about it, or of the actual mechanics of it. Our conversations about sex consisted of nervous giggling and making random nonsensical jokes about boobs and balls. I’d giggle along with the rest of my friends during these silly, perverted discussions; all the while thinking about my “secret.” Looking back, the frequency of these conversations probably meant that all of my friends had “secrets,” too, that they didn’t feel that they could talk about in the open.

Fanart of a young, naked Daniel Dreiberg (Nite Owl) coming onto a young Walter Kovacs (Rorschach) from the Watchmen graphic novel. Found via the Watchmen Kink Meme on LJ. I have no credit for this picture, so if you know who drew it, let me know.

Women as Observers in a Perfect Fantasy World

Most mainstream porn videos and magazines are geared towards straight men. Consequently, most of that porn consists of unrealistic ideals like drop-dead gorgeous babes with slim builds, big boobs, and a love of being jizzed on. Or whatever. Likewise, yaoi manga is full of idealized romantic relationships that are for the most part completely unrealistic and unrepresentative of actual Japanese gay men. Just like women in porn all look mostly the same (white, thin, busty, feminine, made-up, etc), men in yaoi manga are all thin and beautiful, fall into several typical character types, go through some sort of convoluted relationship drama before they actually get together (and have sex), and think about their passionate loving feelings amid falling roses and shoujo bubbles. For the most part.

The interesting thing about yaoi manga is that women are rarely present in the stories, and hardly ever appear as main characters. Sometimes women take on “best friend” or sisterly roles, but more often than not if a woman plays a large role in a yaoi story, it’s as a villain – an ex-girlfriend or a love-rival who is preventing the main couple from getting together. I read one story – Zankoku Yuugi – where Man A was romantically pursuing Man B, but Man B already had a girlfriend. So Man B indirectly causes the girlfriend to get into an accident, and she ends up in the hospital. And Man A and Man B end up dating at the end of it. Even though Man B knows that Man A put his girlfriend in the hospital⁵

A page from Zankoku Yuugi Ch.1 , scanslated by dokidoki. Remember to look at the panels from right to left!

Within the Gundam Wing yaoi fandom, the main female “threat” to the Heero x Duo pairing was female lead Relena Peacecraft. While she and Heero weren’t a canon couple, it was heavily implied that they were interested in each other, or that one was interested in the other. Among the Heero x Duo fanfics I read, I encountered countless stories where Relena was demonized beyond belief, ridiculed, traumatized and, in some cases, killed off.

And remember: the vast majority of these works are created and consumed by women.

I can’t really begin to address the sinister negativity with which women are sometimes treated in yaoi. But I can address the absence a little bit. I’ve come across articles arguing that one reason why women like consuming gay male porn is because the absence of women in that porn is actually a relief. For me, it definitely was a relief. It took me quite a while before I was comfortable including myself in my sexual fantasy fodder; imagining someone else doing things to me or with me, and not just being a detached observer in my own fantasy. Imagining myself would just make me think of all the aspects of myself I felt insecure about. I did not think of myself as hot or charming or sexy and therefore I could not possibly think of myself as sexual.

Consuming yaoi was a form of escapism. I knew it was a fantasy world; that it wasn’t real. And because it wasn’t real, it was a safe space where my curiosities and potential turn-ons could come out to play, without any consequence or responsibility. I could be sexual without… actually being sexual.

In the world of yaoi, women are the ultimate voyeurs of a perfect fantasy.

10 Years Later

So yaoi played quite a big part in shaping my sexuality. This post doesn’t really have a conclusive point; except that after writing this I find several things worth noting. As a teenage girl:

the Internet was probably the most important tool I used to develop my sexuality – not magazines or talking with my peers
I didn’t feel like consuming porn or talking about sex were things that were appropriate for me to do
I didn’t really involve myself very much in my own sexuality – I didn’t touch myself or even picture myself in my own sexual fantasies

I wrote this post both to include yaoi and slashfic in “lady porn” and to prompt a discussion about it; but also, I guess, to prompt a discussion about teenage girls and porn. When most people think “teenage boys,” they think “sex-crazed horndogs” and assume that of course they’re looking at porn. Or they’re trying to. Which isn’t exactly a positive picture and probably isn’t completely true, either. But what about the girls?

This post is part of a blogosphere-wide carnival called Lady Porn Day! Read more Lady Porn Day posts or keep up with the discussion on Twitter under the hashtag #ladypornday.

Except yaoi and slash are usually more explicit, and slash refers to fan fiction, not anything canon
e.g. lemon = explicit sex scene; using an / or x between two names denotes a pairing
I somehow found out about the pairing before the series they were from, probably because they’re such a popular pairing. I didn’t really like Gundam Wing, the series, all that much. Too much mecha and war and politics for my taste
Although my school ended up having a lot of lesbian, bicurious and queer women in it. Go figure.
In order to persuade Man B to date him, Man A also basically took Man B hostage, blackmailed him, and once or twice forcefully coerced him into doing sexual acts against his will. So it was a fucked up story, in many ways. But oftentimes in yaoi manga, destructive and extreme acts performed by a character are just taken as evidence of how strong and passionate that character’s love really is.

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Choke

Wilhelmina Wang — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 00:45:41 +0000

Sir has been on a bit of a choking kick lately.

He’s never really mentioned choking before, but since I started subbing to him he’s brought it up quite a bit.

Today, Sir granted me two jack-off sessions. The first was while I was videochatting with him. After telling me to strip off each piece of my clothing until I was naked, he gave me a choice: to come on camera, or off camera. After some initial nervousness, I felt comfortable enough with myself to choose to come on camera. I lay back, adjusted the computer so he could see, closed my eyes, and went at it. I knew Sir was naked, jerking off at the same time, and I wish I wasn’t so self-conscious so I could look into the camera, and watch him.

Maybe next time.

Afterwards, Sir told me how much he enjoyed seeing me. He’s trying to make it so that I’m comfortable enough to perform for him. I’m surprised at how quickly I felt at ease with being naked, and then getting myself off, in front of him.

My second session came with a condition:

Since you did so well with your performance art – you are due for a reward. We will focus on your traditional pleasure points. Toys are permitted. but you are required to do this in a way that pleases me. you will be fully naked, lying on your back. There is one key – you need to loop a belt around your neck, and pull it just slightly tight as you do this. Cut off no oxygen, just make it slightly harder to breathe. I wnat you to be able to come through this sensation… and hopefully love it.

Initially, I was at pains to figure out a way to keep the belt around my neck hands-free and without hurting myself. Finally, I looped the belt around my neck, used a rubber band to mark the point where I’d want to add a new hole, and made a new hole in the belt with a craft knife thing I’d drunken-kleptomaniacally taken from Zeta Mu one night (I should probably return it). The belt itself, interestingly enough, is from my first boyfriend. He left it behind, and I kept it, but it actually doesn’t fit me. I used it to belt Christopher once, and hopefully will use it again.

Anyway, the belt made it more laborious for me to breathe, but didn’t actually deprive me of air or make me feel lightheaded or anything, which I assume was the point. Feeling the leather and metal tight around my neck, and having to alter my breathing, added to my arousal almost immediately.

I used my trusty Lelo Ina and came ridiculously quickly.

I’m looking forward to the day that Sir will be the one wielding the belt.

—

Note: I only had the belt around my neck for a 10-15 minutes, but I wonder if doing this multiple times would damage my neck. I feel like it’s the same as wearing a collar tight around your neck, but maybe I’m wrong. If anyone has any advice about this, please let me know. Also, ideally I would have wanted to do this with somebody else, maybe one of my roommates, knowing what I was doing so they could come check on me, just in case.

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Pet

Wilhelmina Wang — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 21:18:53 +0000

It’s only been about a month since me and J broke up, and already I’m back up to my old tricks.

A few days ago, I was venting to an online friend (who I will refer to from now as the Inventor) about the breakup. He consoled me, and after a while the conversation somehow segued to the topic of BDSM.

He asked if I wanted to submit to him.

I said yes.

For the past few days, he has given me numerous tasks to do. Some highlights: go without underwear for the entire day, expose myself and take a picture (he gave me permission to post it ^ ), & wear a plug for at least an hour.

He requests that I call him Sir, and wear my amethyst & silver bracelet (the one I used last time I was subbing for someone) when serving him. He let me choose my own title. I find most submissive titles somewhat obnoxious. I couldn’t really settle on one I loved, but I went with one that sounded less obnoxious than the others – pet. The more he addresses me with it, the more I grow to like it.

He knows I’m inexperienced, and so is doing his best to build me up without causing me (too much) discomfort. So far, I’ve given up quite a lot of control to him already. I cannot touch myself or orgasm without his permission (excluding sex with other people), and starting from tomorrow he will be picking out clothes for me. (I sent him a list of most of the clothes and shoes I own. God, that was a long list.) Interestingly, I think the clothing rule will be more difficult than the orgasm rule, because clothes are such a big part of my self-expression. But, then, that’s also part of the reason why I like that rule so much. Having someone control my behavior, even though it may be in seemingly inconsequential terms, is such an exciting act to me.

He also wants to make a point to get me to get over my aversion to verbalizing my thoughts and wants. If I’m IMing with someone, or writing, the dirty talk will just come pouring out – I’ve even started narrating sex in my head sometimes – but when it comes to saying it out loud, I freeze up. He knows this about me. He also wants to get me to be more comfortable with “performing” on cam for him. (And he knows me well enough to explicitly forbid any form of “liquid courage” while I’m camming with him. Damn.)

Yesterday, we were camming and he was telling me how hard he was at the thought of fucking me. Seeing his face and being able to put his facial expression to the words was exciting enough – I mostly just IM with him, and have spoken to him on the phone a couple of times, but never cam with him. Then he panned the camera down to show me the unmistakable bulge in his jeans. I bit down on my lip; on the tips of my fingers.

He said I might get to see more if I did something else for him. He wanted me to say, out loud, how much I wanted to fuck him. And to call him Sir. Nicely.

Part of me hates calling people “Sir” out loud. The word just sounds out of place; like I shouldn’t be using it.

But I did it. I fumbled around awkwardly in my seat for a minute, and then I did it.

He rewarded me by letting me watch him take his cock out and stroke himself, slowly. I stared. I wanted so much to take him in my mouth…

After I got over some of the initial nervousness and shyness, I began wondering how I could make things even more interesting. Like a child with a new schoolteacher, I started thinking about loopholes, margins that I could play with. D/s is interesting because it’s basically mutual manipulation, except both parties know exactly what’s going on. I wouldn’t want to do enough to anger or disrespect him, but I’m curious about what a little struggle could do.

I got an answer today. Last night, I got drunk at Zeta Mu and couldn’t find this one person I’d been looking to hook up with (again). I went to bed drunk and sexually frustrated, and ended up putting my hands into my boxers and touching myself for a few minutes before drifting off to sleep.

I confessed this to him today, while I was at work, actually. He told me to find a private place, expose my ass, and spank myself hard enough to leave a red mark. I very self-consciously went to the restroom and did so. I knew that my hand would not be enough, so I ended up using a letter opener. Talk about creative use of office supplies.

I came back to my desk feeling embarrassed and obedient, with the sting of the letter opener slowly fading away as I sat.

I’ve been brought to such a heightened state of sexual tension that it feels like my entire body is thrumming. I think about fucking him while I’m at work, and while I’m doing my daily errands. I picture him taking me bent over desks, surreptitiously in darkened hallways, and on sumptuous bedsheets. I picture him biting me, fucking me hard and kissing the breath out of me until I’m too spent to move or speak after he’s done.

Naturally, I hadn’t done anything sexual for about a week beforehand. He has only granted me one orgasm so far, so I savored it. I made myself come like I hadn’t in a long time: only with my fingers, slowly circling my clit and exploring my folds, while imagining him throwing me over his lap, spanking me and making me whimper, before brushing his fingers, oh so softly, over my wetness.

He has wonderfully large hands. I know that much.

This is re-opening parts of me that had been temporarily closed off. I’m writing erotica again; feeling my sexual energy again. I didn’t realize what a big part of my sexuality kink was. I don’t need it all the time, but it was definitely difficult being with a purely vanilla partner. I love vanilla sex as much as anyone, but so often my mind would naturally edge towards biting, scratching, slapping, serving and kneeling. Not being able to express my sexuality that way made me kind of boring.

I’m grateful for what he has done for/with me so far. And I’m looking forward for what is to come.

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Claiming (3/4): “Go pantiless after.”

Wilhelmina Wang — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 19:16:07 +0000

I suppose I should finish what I started… wrote most of this a while ago.

These events occurred circa. October 2009. Read part 1 and part 2.

[via Maria's Photo]

Day #2, continued.

The first thing he wanted to do was make use of me being so turned on. We had moved back to email now, and I sat there, waiting eagerly for him to tell me what he wanted me to do.

I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped when I read his next message: he wanted me to find a restroom to masturbate in, and wanted me to go pantiless after I was done.

Just picture it, will you, for a moment? Me, unassuming in my grey puffball dress, walking through the library – which was silent except for the occasional rustle of pages, filled with students intent on their work. Me, filled with so much nervousness and excitement that I was practically sizzling with emotion…

I went down the stairs, floating in a dizzy haze, and found the restroom. I entered the biggest cubicle, took off my boots, took off my leggings, finally took off my panties. I folded them nicely and set them down, then set about getting myself off.

It didn’t take me very long. I was already soaking wet and had mental fodder enough… but the thing that kept playing over and over in my head was the word used. How Sir wanted to use me, how he wanted me to feel sore and exhausted and worn out and used, used, used…

This library was one of the less “popular” ones, and so the restroom was completely empty, and also silent. Every breath, every slide of my fingers inside me and back out were clearly audible, and I hoped and hoped that nobody would walk in until I finished.

I was lucky. Just as I felt my orgasm begin to swell, somebody loudly pushed the door open.

I gave myself a few moments to calm down before I pulled my leggings and boots back on and tucked my panties into my jacket pocket. My leggings were made of silk, and I could feel the material against my damp pussy – cool and soft.

I walked slowly and self-consciously back to my spot. I sat down and immediately sent Sir a message, telling him I had done what he asked.

His next demand was that I take a picture of my panties with my phone and send it to him. I considered walking back to the restroom and taking the picture there, after a quick look around I realized that so few people were in the library that no one would notice if I took the picture right where I was. I quickly took my panties out of my pocket, crunched them in my hand, and shoved my hand under the desk. I opened my hand, clearly displaying the panties (unfortunately, white with bright pink stars and, for some reason, Superman logos on them) and snapping a picture.

He had a few more instructions for me for the rest of the day. He wanted me to find a collar or choker of some sort that I could wear when I was doing tasks that he set me. I had a cloth choker, which he told me to use. He asked me what the rest of my day looked like. I didn’t have anything to do except go to dinner with a friend. He told me that I had to excuse myself during dinner and bring myself off again.

Shortly before dinner, I went back to my room to look for the choker, that I hadn’t worn at all before this. I couldn’t find it in my dresser or among my clothes. I took down the storage boxes from the top shelf of my closet, and rifled through them, then grumbled loudly in frustration.

The choker wasn’t there.

I checked all the drawers and boxes over again. I was so frustrated. Sir wanted me to use that choker, and I wanted to use the choker, but the choker was not there. I wanted to try my hardest to do what he wanted me to do, but I couldn’t, since I guessed that I must have left it back home, halfway across the globe. (An email to my sister asking her about it later confirmed my suspicion.)

I apologetically told him about what happened. He immediately reassured me, and asked if I had anything else. I was relieved. He knew I don’t like being talked down to or humiliated, and I’m glad he remembered and didn’t do either of those things. He ended up choosing a simple bracelet – silver with a plain amethyst clasp – for me to wear when I was submitting to him.

Soon I had to go to dinner, so I put on the bracelet and went over to my friend’s place… It soon proved that excusing myself to get myself off would be difficult. My friend wanted some advice on a problem, so I felt bad about interrupting her. Eventually our conversation wound down, so I went to do what Sir had asked.

My friend didn’t live in a dorm, she lived in an off-campus house. She directed me to the bathroom… it was right next to the kitchen, and the door didn’t lock. Great. I had to hold the door shut with one hand, and I could hear everyone talking and hanging out in the kitchen. Using my fingers against my clit, there was no way I was going to come, I was too distracted.

I had come twice that day already, but Sir wanted me to have come three times. He’d be making me pay for that transgression later…

To be continued…

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Review: Lovemoiselle Cecile

Wilhelmina Wang — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 09:04:50 +0000

The Lovemoiselle Cecile from TabuToys falls short as a vibrator, and yet I wanted to marry it after the first time I used it, and it has been my go-to toy for about a month. Cecile is a luxury toy in every sense of the word – it isn’t meant for a quick-and-dirty wank break, it’s meant to be enjoyed. Preferably with aromatic candles and mood music.

Cecile is made of ceramic – a material I’ve never tried before and was very excited about – and is aesthetically beautiful. I admire the minimalist, elegant design – white, with two small flower motifs. The vibe tapers out to the battery compartment, getting gradually wider, so it looks quite like a flower itself.

It comes in an equally elegant box, with an information booklet and a velvet storage pouch. I don’t use the pouch, because it isn’t padded, so I’m paranoid that it won’t be enough to protect Cecile from cracking or breaking. The box, however, is a perfect storage unit. It’s pretty small and comes with a foam “mould” that Cecile rests in, preventing it from being jostled around. The booklet provided me with useful info about the toy, ceramic as a sex toy material, and how to take care of it. The same info can be found on Lovemoiselle’s website.

Ceramic, as a sex toy material, is excellent. Unlike silicone, it’s hard and unyielding, but much lighter than steel. It can be heated up and cooled down. It’s also non-porous, and can be sterilized with 10% bleach solution or alcohol. You can’t boil it or put it in the dishwasher, though, because of the electrical components. Well, you could probably just dip the shaft into a pot of boiling water, I suppose.

I had my own preconceptions about ceramic. I expected Cecile to be fragile, which didn’t turn out to be the case. Cecile definitely feels very solid, and I have no qualms about putting it inside me and thrusting away. However, be careful not to drop Cecile, and don’t abruptly expose it to drastically different temperatures.

What’s nice about Cecile is that it doubles up as a dildo as well as a vibrator. I first tried it out as a dildo. Cecile felt pleasantly cool (thanks, cold Northern winter) sliding into me, but warmed up quickly to my body temperature. As I thrust Cecile in and out of me, it felt like this… smoothness inside me, not an object. And, god, is Cecile smooth. Compared to silicone, it’s hard and sleek, and only needs a dab of lube in order to be used comfortably. Cecile also has light ridges, which make the sensation of the Cecile that much better.

I’ve never really understood the point of straight-shafted toys. I mean, the G-spot exists, shouldn’t every toy be made to pinpoint it? I’d prefer Cecile to be more curved than it is, but by angling the toy, or my hips, I was able to hit my G-spot pretty easily. Also, in other reviews I’ve read, some bloggers have complained that the toy being wider at the base was uncomfortable. But since I can’t even get that much of the toy inside me in the first place (typically when I use toys I only fit about 5 inches of them inside me) I didn’t have that problem.

Cecile as a dildo was amazing. I really can’t articulate why, but it feels so good that I want to use it on myself over and over again.

Now, as a vibrator, Cecile doesn’t perform quite as well.

The toy takes two AAA batteries (not included), and the battery compartment twists off very easily. (After experiences with annoying, fiddly compartments, I’ve come to appreciate ones that actually work.) The vibrations are controlled by a single button on the base – press it to turn it on, then keep pressing to cycle through the modes, and press it for a few seconds to turn it off. I appreciated that I didn’t have to cycle through all of the settings to turn it off, which you have to do with some vibrators. I don’t grasp the base in order to thrust, I use the tapered end of the ceramic to do that, but if you prefer to hold onto the base, you might have some trouble with pressing the button by accident.

Cecile has five different vibration settings:

- constant – low intensity
- constant – high intensity
- pulsations – high intensity
- pulsations – low – medium – high – [pause] – high – high – high
- pulsations – high intensity – long – short – short – short – short – long

For some reason I expected Cecile to rattle really loudly because it was made of ceramic. Don’t ask me why I expected that; most vibes are made of plastic, which is a hard material, and those don’t rattle. Cecile is a little on the loud side, though, to the extent that I’m a little worried about my neighbor hearing me use it. Thin walls.

I tried Cecile both on my clit and inside me. The vibrations weren’t strong enough for my clit. And coming from me, this says a lot. Compared to other sex bloggers I know, I don’t need very strong vibrations to get off. I’m able to get off from a Lelo vibe on a medium setting, when many sex bloggers complain about even the highest setting being too weak. Internally, Cecile didn’t do it for me. Vibrations on my internal walls don’t really do much, and I couldn’t maneuver Cecile to vibrate well against my G-spot. The last two of Cecile’s settings just confused my vagina. They’re too complicated.

I adore Cecile. Thrusting it in and out of me, with Mia on my clit, makes for one luxurious orgasm indeed. However, as a vibrator it doesn’t quite cut it.

Specs:

- Type: Traditional vibrator
- Length: 8″
- Diameter: 1.5″
- Material: Ceramic
- Vibrations: 2 speeds + 3 pulsation patterns
- Other features: slightly ridged
- Powered by: 2 AAA batteries
- Color: White with lavender accents
- Price @ TabuToys.com: $97

4 out of 5 hearts.

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Review: Tantus Curve

Wilhelmina Wang — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 04:02:59 +0000

The Tantus Curve is the first Tantus dildo made with a wider base, designed for a better fit in a harness. Ever since I heard about it, I’ve been hankering to try it. Luckily for me, TabuToys sent me one to review

For those who don’t know -

Tantus products are hand made from a premium silicone blend (not compatible with silicone lube, and don’t store it next to other silicone toys), which is phthalate-free, bleachable, boilable and dishwasher-safe (if you’re not planning on sharing, simple soap and water will do), and pretty much super sweet.

It’s a very comfortable size – 6″ insertable and not overwhelmingly thick – and quite firm with some give, i.e. not floppy. The surface is a soft matte v.s. sleek and glossy. It also has a fairly pronounced head, and slight ridges.

Used vaginally, its curve does hit my G-spot, but not as spot-on as other Tantus G-spotting toys I have (the Acute and the Techno), and I had to thrust really hard with it – pretty much pound myself with it – in order to feel the most sensation. Though, I have been told by J that my G-spot is very “deep” which might have something to do with it. The ridges are subtle – not as intense as the Echo, for instance – but their presence is definitely noticeable and pleasant. I also tried using the Curve anally, but it was slightly too thick for me, so I ended up getting sore and stopping :/ The only dildo I actually use anally on a frequent basis is the Acute, which is quite tiny (5″ length, 1.25″ diameter). I can see the Curve being an excellent step-up from the Acute, once my butt is ready for it.

Okay, now that I’ve finally written as much as I can – the rest of the review is on video. I have terrible performance anxiety (yes, even if I’m not showing my face in the review) so I’ve only ever done one before, but the Curve needs a video review. It’s just that great.

Go watch to see my awesome harness demo and to find out why the Curve almost replaces the Acute as my favorite/go-to dildo. Almost.

…I tried the “pull test” (as patented by Backseat Boohoo), and it stood up tremendously. No matter how much I yanked, the Curve stayed put. As a good strapped-on dildo should.

(The base also lets you stand the Curve up on a flat surface )

I adore the new base. I hope that Tantus makes all the rest of its products (or, well, a good number of them at least) with this base. The only reason the Curve isn’t #1 on my list is that I can’t use it anally (yet). Otherwise, I absolutely love it.

Specs:

- Length: 7″
- Insertable length: 6″
- Diameter: 1 3/8″
- Material: Silicone
- Color @ TabuToys: Light purple
- Colors @ Tantus: Light purple, midnight purple, black
- Price @ TabuToys: $59.00

Five out of five hearts!

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Claiming (2/4): “Assume the position.”

Wilhelmina Wang — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 18:14:28 +0000

These events took place circa. October 2009. Read part 1 here.

Day #2

Two days later, on a typically doleful Monday, I was at work when Sir emailed me. He was at work, too, and was having a stressful day. He asked me if I was up to helping him “relieve himself.” I agreed at once – both excited to see what was to come and glad to escape my own humdrum day, if just for a little while.

He asked if I had done anything to warrant a spanking, and I told him a few “bad” things I had done over the past few days. Slept through class. Behind on work. The usual transgressions. He said that I should take my academics more seriously, and then asked that I “assume the position”: all fours, face down. He wanted me to feel vulnerable. I was familiar with how that position felt – it made me feel exposed – but tantalizingly so – imagining the gaze of my lover wandering down my body, taking in everything.

Sir started spanking me, again: harsh swats that stung and reddened up my skin. He built up a rhythm until he was happy with the hue of my behind, then soothed my burning skin with his hands.

At the library front desk, I bit my lip and shifted, suddenly uncomfortable in my seat. My eyes were fixed on the computer screen – utterly intent on it. I hoped that the head librarian wouldn’t suddenly come by to fetch something, as she sometimes did, because I didn’t want to interrupt our session by having to hurriedly minimize my email in order to hide it.

He resumed spanking me, letting his fingers land between my legs, moving on to heavier blows… I let him know how turned on I was, and imagined what I’d do if this was really happening – gasp, squeal, half-attempting to escape from his blows and half-arching towards his touch; wanting and detesting the mix of pleasure and pain at the same time.

By then, my work shift had come to an end and I had to leave to do some errands. I told Sir, and so we switched to text messages. It was so unbelievably hot to do something as mundane as stand in line to pick up some packages, but with my thumbs flying over the keypad of my cell-phone, attempting to settle my facial expression into a non-incriminating configuration that did not betray what I was doing, heat pooling at my clit…

Sir began probing me, pressing his fingers inside me as he continued landing slaps all over my behind. I was both embarrassed and intensely aroused, groaning, overwhelmed with sensations. He rocked his hand as I rocked back into him, then pulled his fingers out and rubbed my clit, using his other hand to pull my hair so my head snapped back uncomfortably.

And then he took his cock out, the cock that I had never seen but knew was thick and substantial, according to what he had told me, and that I knew would stretch and fill me wonderfully… He pulled my body towards him, sinking himself into me. I tried my muffle my moans until he asked me to stop… half-reluctantly I took my knuckles out of my mouth and let my moans and choking cries fill the room. He pounded into me until he was about to go over the edge… then pulled out just as he came, spurting his come all over my back, leaving me limp, shuddering, and sated…

The end of our tryst found me in the library again, this time getting ready to do some homework… but so wet, bothered and distracted that I could barely even focus on the readings in front of me; my mind filled with gorgeous, filthy images as a result of what had just happened between us.

But things did not end there – Sir had more in store for me: he wanted to stake a claim on me. It was early afternoon and the day still stretched on before us, and Sir gave me a list of things that he wanted me to accomplish before going to sleep.

To be continued…

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Clandestine

Wilhelmina Wang — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 19:05:02 +0000

Sometimes you wonder if you only get your best ideas while you’re jerking off.

You hadn’t showered all day, and feel filthy, so you decide to take one even though your sister and her fiance are over to visit. The water heater is working properly for the first time since you’ve been home, and you’re taking full advantage of it; holding the showerhead close to your body, letting the warm water run all over your shoulders, rinsing the shampoo out of your hair slooowly.

Then you turn the water off, rub the conditioner into your hair and suddenly get the impulse to lie down in the tub. So you do, sliding down the slope of the tub until your head is resting against the bottom and your legs are bent at the knee. You close your eyes. You open them again and survey the bathroom from your new vantage point. It looks a lot more interesting from this point of view.

You’re caught by another impulse: a powerful one; bizarrely sensual. Your eyes slide shut and your hand wanders down your body, coming to rest at your clit. You tease yourself with your fingers and imagine one of the erotic scenes you’ve been wanting to write.

You can hear your sister and your mum chatting animatedly in the sitting room outside.

As you slide a finger inside yourself, rub yourself quicker, feel your hips raise slightly almost of their own accord – you fill in gaps in the imagined scene, picking the characters’ names, adding in little details, clarifying certain happenings – you move your finger from your cunt to your ass, surprised when your (now-well-trained) sphincter practically swallows your finger up. And your imagination jumps from the first scene to a different one; one that you’ve envisioned a hundred times before and that never fails to get you off.

A woman is bent over a table, hands stretched out in front of her and tied in place, ankles spread and tied to the table legs. She is naked. The man behind her is landing blow after blow on her plump bottom as she struggles uselessly. Finally he stops; she catches her breath; and he pushes a lubed finger into her ass, absolutely ignoring her copiously dripping pussy. She’s completely open before him and powerless to do anything, but doesn’t seem to find that a bad thing at all, if the sounds she’s making are anything to go by. She moans and gasps as he preps her, and when he finally rams his hard cock into her…

You throw your head back and come.

When your regain rational thought, you’re dimly aware of someone in the sitting room mentioning your name -

“Is Wil almost done in there?? I really need to pee.”

Oops…

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Review: Tantus Feeldoe Original

Wilhelmina Wang — Mon, 18 May 2009 18:55:01 +0000

Reviewing the Tantus Feeldoe Original from Pinkcherry.com sex toys! Originally I was supposed to use it on the Actor when he came to visit me but we… didn’t manage, for one reason or another. Hence this review isn’t as complete as it could be, but I’ll post a follow up review when I’m able to.

It’s designed by women, for women, specifically to fit the contours of the female body, which is full of win; but men can (supposedly?) use it by inserting the bulb anally for some hot double-penetration action, or if you… can’t get it up, I guess? The bulb also doubles up as a nice handle.

So I’m visiting the Actor right now and it’s making for a lot of fun, wonderfulness and sexytimes. We finally got to using the Feeldoe together! Obviously using the Feeldoe with someone else was much different from using it alone. I’ll talk about the Actor’s experience with it first and then move on to my own perspective.

The Actor regularly has anal sex and is pretty experienced. He found the size of the shaft to be fine, but he didn’t like how it was angled slightly upwards. The vibrations were pleasant, but not really a big deal. The biggest problem with the Feeldoe’s shaft was its head – or lack thereof. I never really noticed before the Actor pointed it out, but the head of the Feeldoe is quite small/narrow compared to the head of a penis. When I used the Feeldoe vaginally on myself, that was actually a bit of a plus. With other dildos I’ve used, the feeling of the bulbous head popping in has always been intense – sometimes in an awesome, pleasurable way, but at other times uncomfortably so. It’s definitely a plus to have a dildo in my arsenal that has less of a head, since sometimes I’m in the mood for a dildo that smoothly slides into me. While I was fucking the Actor with it, however, the lack of a head was irritating because the dildo kept sliding out of him. Since I obviously couldn’t feel how far I was pulling out while thrusting, feeling the “catch” of a head when I was about to pull out would have been really useful.

For me, the Feeldoe was both an improvement on your typical strapon harness + dildo, as well as a regression. The “straplessness” of the Feeldoe generally worked quite well: the bulb didn’t fall out during sex, and the strapon didn’t get jostled out of place at all. However, using the Feeldoe made thrusting a lot more difficult, and I found that using a harness gave me a lot more control. Using a harness also meant that the ridges were pressed up against my clit at least 80% of the time, when without a harness the ridges were hardly pressed close to my body at all. Having the ridges against my clit was a huge plus because I could feel the vibrations. Vibrations against my clit while thrusting into someone is a pretty addicting feeling, let me tell you. The bulb, on the other hand, I pretty much forgot was there; it didn’t really add or take away from the experience.

So, overall, I’d say the Feeldoe isn’t mindblowing, but as a strapless-strapon it works pretty well and I’m glad that I own it purely because of the dual-stimulation function. It doesn’t feel like “my” cock when I wear it though, so generally I’ll prbably eschew the Feeldoe for more traditional strapons and get off in other ways

4/5 stars.

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Microfantasy Monday: Long Distance

Wilhelmina Wang — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:02:29 +0000

Wow. It’s been a while. Coming back with a theme I like a lot though – long distance.

You’re clutching the dildo in one hand. The phone in the other. The one is slipping in and out of you, and the other is almost slipping from your grasp. You hold onto it, wedging it into your shoulder and pushing it close to your ear.

On the other end of the line is panting. Rough, harsh breaths. In-out.

The two of you were having a normal enough conversation until you let slip that you were lounging around in your underwear, something about the heat, and he teasingly asked you what kind you had on, and you told him. Cotton. Floral. Cute. From Victoria’s Secret.

And the one short answer turned into a long spiel of how your body sprawled over the bed, how your lightly sweaty limbs were positioned. You traced a hand over yourself and let him follow it, from your hips, down to the dip in your waist to your chest to your hair.

He groaned. Talked you into putting your hand inside your panties. Practically guided your fingers inside you with his voice. In no time at all, you were both panting and thrusting in a chorus that was stretched over 600 miles. Spouting nonsense words:

“God!”

“Your pussy–”

“You feel –”

“s’so good–”

“amazing…”

He insinuates your other hand into your bra and pulls the dildo out of your drawer and tells you to imagine him. Imagine it’s him doing all this to you.

You do. And then a few seconds of ragged breath – and you come. And the phone skitters, clatters, to the floor.

Got a sex fantasy? Microfantasy Monday is by Sweltering Celt and rules can be found here.

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